The Fabric of Our Souls

by K.M. Moronova

Sometimes the darkness inside me thinks that this is what they’ve wanted all along—for me to finally give in.

There will never be a way to explain why I am this way. It’s something that you endure wholly, entirely. A deep and empty pit inside your flesh that never closes, no matter what you try to fill it with. No matter what thread you try to sew it shut with, it gapes and itches. An emergency exit that waits patiently for any who stray.

I know what I did was wrong. But I’m so tired. How do I tell him I want to sleep forever? In a bed of roses or in a goddamn urn, it doesn’t matter—anywhere but here will do. I’m burning inside, and it hurts. I just want to stop hurting.

“You should wait… and it doesn’t have to be for anything specific. I’m just saying—wait for the weight of the world to pass. Wait until the tremors that wrack through your skull drift into the depths again. Wait until the sun rises, and the light makes you feel a little less pointless.”

“You let me know and I’ll hold you until the darkness fades.”

“Because it’s so much better to watch things squirm in pain than simply die,

It’s pouring rain today. The crisp scent of the world entering its slumber and the pitter-patter on the pavement soothe my anxiety.

We are the ghosts here.

My heart aches a bit at the nostalgic songs flowing through my soul just from looking at the beautiful black and white keys.

My dead eyes… I’ve never really figured out how to smile with my eyes. How do you hide your weary soul? The fake one works on most people.

I notice a woman in a blue dress dancing in the downpour. My heart thumps at the magic she seems to feel. She doesn’t appear to carry the chains of the world that I feel weighing me down. I want that freedom.

storm calls to her soul.

there’s nothing more peaceful than embracing your own silence.

I want to run free with all the dark things in the night.

The fabric of our souls is thin—we’ve been wandering this world just to unite in this small corner of the universe.

He pulls me closer, holding me like I’ve always wished someone would.

I want to punish myself for not being a better man… for not being good enough.

Men. They sure act tough, but the second they catch a cold or have to investigate a sinister dark basement for missing people, the charade is over—the cards are on the table.

My eyes return to the field, and just as they do, the moonlight showers down as if the pale light is liquid. A thousand little white blooms illuminate at once, returning the light back to the sky and the world around them.

“Moonflowers,”

Your mind is a beautiful and dangerous thing, Wynn, sick as it may be. But your soul illuminates the world around you, setting all else ablaze with your inevitable anguish.”

“I saw a young woman. A confused little flower trying to bloom in the daylight when you were always meant to thrive beneath the stars, unlike those around you. You’ve wilted enough for the world. Don’t you think?” Liam’s smile and question fill every part of my weary soul. “It’s time to let go of the things that hurt.”

I’m afraid of what I can do when I’m not myself, in the brief moments when too many horrible thoughts run through my mind. This is why I hate myself. Because I do awful things to people I care about.

“I’m not okay either,” he whispers, his voice trembling. “I’ve never been okay. But when I watch you fall apart, it hurts too much for me to bear. Please don’t go to those dark places, Wynn. Please stay here in the dim light with me. You’re my last hope—my cure.” He lets his arms hang heavily at his sides as he sobs, his forehead resting on my shoulder. “Let me try to help you, please.”

No one sees me as the person I sometimes dream I am. A nice girl. A person worthy of love. A soul that didn’t crawl up from hell. If I wasn’t here anymore, it would all stop. The pain. The dread. All the things that hurt my stupid conscience… If I die, maybe I’ll wake up somewhere better.

hot chocolate, cozy blankets and midnight moonlit dances. Of course she does. She’s an autumn soul.

The greenhouse is empty; apparently, no one believes in plant therapy here. It’s a shame. It’s such a lovely building with an abundance of potential.

I fist the flowers, covered in a light layer of frost, and drop my head. The sky starts to cry along with me and freezing rain meets my skin.

“She’s special, Liam. I know you like her, but be careful. Her mind is her worst enemy and love might be too overbearing on fabric as thin as hers.”

“Yeah, her soul is like chiffon, with plenty of tattered rips and tears. The fabric of our souls is thin and worn. We must be gentle and love tirelessly.”

“Hers is so beautifully torn that even wolves like us are drawn to it.”

By the time the movie is playing, I’m sitting between the two of them and smiling so easily it feels like a dream. Can being happy truly be this simple? I hope so. I want this forever.

And that’s okay. It’s okay to be small and hidden away. Most gems are.

“I think it’s because it makes me happy to see something that was once so beautiful in life be just as pretty, if not more so, in death. Forever beautiful.”

“Words that convinced me to die.”

“Everyone who ever claimed they loved me.” Every word lodges deep in my throat like a knife. Betrayal by those who were meant to care for me in the darkest of times. “They acted innocent and coy, drawing me in like fresh air. Wishing to know what ailed me. And the only thing I ever learned from opening up to people was that they desired to know exactly what would hurt me, only to turn the blade back and inflict riotous, irrevocable damage themselves.”

Why is it so hard to show ourselves mercy? Did a part of me believe that I deserved what I endured, just as Liam does? Why didn’t anyone help me? Didn’t I ask more than once? Didn’t my eyes scream loud enough for those that observed me so callously to stop?

When you look at me, I feel like I can shatter into a thousand birds and just… fly. You set my soul free from the chains I keep wrapped around my shoulders.”

But you gave your heart to me, and because of you, I will live. Because of you, I will never take my life for granted ever again.