Unsteady

by Peyton Corinne

My heart stutters as he presses another kiss to the fabric, this one more reverent than sensual and I hate the way it makes me ache. The way, “Do you want to come home with me?” almost spills from my lips. I feel vulnerable, undone, and somehow more full of feeling than before—not the usual emptiness and restraint I feel after a hookup. Dangerous, my brain repeats, but my body is ready to tackle him to the floor.

He lifts his hand, his wrist still enclosed in my hand, and presses his fingers into his mouth. Whatever noise comes from my lips, some sort of whine in the back of my throat, turns my cheeks maroon. Yet, I can’t look away as he pulls his long fingers from his swollen lips. He’s everything. The way I think about him scares me. I need distance before this really hurts. And yet— “We should do this more.” His smile is like spun gold. “Yeah?” “Yeah,” I repeat, feeling a bit like I’m floating. “Yeah, actually, I think this would be good for us both. You need a distraction and I need a… release.”

“What do you mean, exactly?” I shrug and play at the hem of my shirt. “Like… hook up? Unless you don’t—” His hand raises to stop me. “Friends with benefits. That’s what you’re suggesting.” I nod. “I don’t really…” he trails off, seeming to be engaged in some sort of mental battle. “Nevermind—I’m not missing my chance. Yes.” “Really?” I smile brightly. He mimics it. “If that’s what you want, Gray, then yes.” He kisses my forehead on his way out, with a quiet, “Call me,” pressed against my skin.

It’s easy to pretend when it’s just us, that maybe she is completely mine. My girlfriend. That I could convince her into my arms again and again, somehow smuggle my jersey onto her body, bribe her to cheer for me and stand in the cold bleacher seats because she wants to show everyone I am hers. And I want to be hers, almost more than I want her to be mine.

Falling into Rhys feels like falling into addiction, or what I imagine that might be like. Everything with him feels easier. This isn’t the first time I’ve had some sort of friends-with-benefits agreement with someone, but it’s the first time it’s felt like this. Before, it was all just to get rid of the boiling inside of me, a form of exercise and relief. With Rhys, waiting longer than a day to see him again, to touch him feels like torture. I’m torn between loving the way it feels to be with him, and hating how much I love the way it feels to be with him. Not to mention, the man eats my pussy like it’s his fucking job.

I checked my lipstick twice before I even got out of the car, but I do it once more now on the screen of my phone; wearing a heavier layer of makeup than I usually wear, but it's a special occasion. Is it? So Rhys is special?

She’s so goddamn beautiful, I feel every ounce of anger at her fade the longer I look at her. Sadie Gray is in my house, in the doorway to my room, looking like every fantasy I’ve ever had, wrapped in a silk bow.

I swallow back the immediate insistence I want to make, that this is fine. No worries, I’m just glad you’re here. She could’ve showed up in a shirt that said STOP TRYING, HOTSHOT. I’M NOT YOUR GIRLFRIEND, and I’d still be as happy to see her. Because I crave Sadie like an addiction. “You’re here now,” is the best I can do, because I don’t want to waste any of the time I have with her on anything but comfort. She makes me feel warm and solid, whole again.

“It’s, um… a stress ball. Like, you squeeze it and it helps distract your thoughts or center them? My brother has one, and it helps his anxiety,” she says, shrugging and tucking her hair back again. “That’s… that’s really nice,” I say, feeling lame as the words leave my lips. It’s more than that. It’s everything. It’s a piece of me that only she holds the key to. It’s the acceptance of me as I am, by the only person that matters right now. “And the bracelet?” She giggles as I pull the blue and gray beaded bracelet up to inspect it, where little block letter beads spell out hotshot. A laugh bursts from me and I slide it on immediately. “It’s a joke.” Not to me, I want to say. I’ll never take it off. Instead, I wrap her in my arms and tug her down into my lap with a groan.

“I’ve never—I mean; the guys I’ve been with—” My hand grips her chin hard, jealousy boiling in my gut at the suggestion. “Finish that sentence, I dare you. I guarantee it’ll be you on your knees this time, not me.” The mild threat and my hard grip seem to wake her from her shyness. She bites her lip and sinks to her knees in front of me with a sultry smile. “You’re acting like that wasn’t the plan all along.”

“Congrats on the win, hotshot.” His mouth opens to speak, but a deep voice rolling from the background cuts him off. “Don’t congratulate him. He tweaked his ankle in the first shift and rested most of the game.” My eyebrow crinkles, the words Bennett has said rolling around in my head as I try to make sense of them. The sheepish look on Rhys’ face doesn’t help the inkling of disbelief. But then he smiles, his eyes glazing. “I love that,” he says. “What?” “When you get that little wrinkle in your eyebrows. Like you’re thinking really hard about something.” “About you.” I roll my eyes, dropping my phone to point at the ceiling, hiding the blush and kicking my feet.

Her touch soothes me as much as it ignites me. I was floating before, feeling nothing but numbness. She makes me feel alive for the first time since that game. Like a whole man again.

Sadie is ingrained into my body and mind in a way that going even a day without her makes me anxious to be near her. I want more than just her hands on my skin in dim light. I want her everywhere—her hair all over my room, her voice in the noise at my games, her toothbrush in my bathroom—and I worry she’ll get her fill of me and move on. So I hold back the one card I have to play in our friends-with-benefits agreement. Like the mythical cheerleader waiting to give it up to the quarterback, I’m waiting for her.

“I didn’t want her here, Sadie,” Rhys coos, his voice slurring even as his eyes shine. He reaches for me but I sidestep him. “I promise.” “It’s fine, Rhys. I know.” I sigh. “You didn’t do anything wrong.” “I think I'm in love with her.” I hear Rhys tell Bennett, but his voice doesn’t lower even a notch. “And she won’t let me in.” My heart clenches and I can’t help glancing over my shoulder, maneuvering quickly down the stairs.

“Sade doesn’t think I’m a golden boy, Ben.” Rhys smiles, but it’s all wrong. “I don’t have to pretend now that she’s here. She knows I’m broken.” He lets out a huffed laugh. “Rhys… you’re not broken.” Bennett sounds as distraught as I feel, despite the hard wall of steel I have raised, my last ditch effort to protect myself. “I am, Ben. And she’s the only one who sees it.”

“Sadie,” I whisper, my hand raising just slightly. Her pretty gray eyes flicker up to me, a softness in her eyes appearing as she takes me in. It makes my chest tight. “Why did you come here, Gray?” Her throat works, the slim column of it distracting enough that I cup her jaw, letting my fingertips dip to the skin along her neck. “I don’t know how to say it,” she grumbles, a little half-whine, half-sob. It brings a strange smile to my face and she mimics it just slightly. “Just try.” It takes a long moment, but she does. “Besides Rora,” she starts. “No one has ever done anything like that for them. For me. No one cares—and I… I’m sorry. That text—”

“I think I was trying to keep you away from all that.” “All what?” “My life.” She shrugs, and then her hands grasp my wrists. “And you still just…” Again she finds no words, but she shakes her head and looks up at me now in a way I’m not sure I’ve seen from her before. She looks… wonderstruck.

“Gray?” “Yes?” “I want to kiss you.”

The lamp on my nightstand is the only light in the room, making a dusk-like glow around her as I press her back into the mattress. “Your bed is so comfortable,” she moans as I settle my weight between her thighs. “Sleep here forever, then,” I whisper, pressing a soft kiss to the skin beneath her ear. I can feel the goosebumps ripple across her arm where my hand rubs up and down her skin.

She cries out louder than I’m expecting and my hands closes over her mouth as I look at her, grinning wildly. I stretch back to hover over her and lean in towards her ear. “The entire hockey team is in my kitchen,” I whisper, my hand trailing her side to tuck against the soft fabric of her thong, tugging it down over her hips. “So, maybe I should let you scream as loud as you want, Gray. Then, there’ll be no mistaking who exactly you belong to.” “Oh god,” she whimpers, shoving my hand off her mouth, but gripping it in her own hands like a lifeline. “Rhys.” “Fuck, I love that.”

I know I can love her. I just don’t know if she’ll let me. And for now, this—her like this for me, soft for me. That’s enough.

Her small hand grips my chin lightly, pointing my eyes to her—the move so similar to the times she’s attempted to take control before, but then her soft mouth parts on a breath and she asks, “Are you sure?” My chest aches and I copy her move, except my hand caresses and cups her cheek. “I’ve never been more sure of anything.” I almost say I love you but manage to strangle the words in my throat because I know she’ll think it’s ridiculous.

The way I feel about her is real, so deep it feels like a cord loops from inside of me to her, tethering me to her. But Sadie’s an enigma, all steel walls and eye rolls. I don’t know how deep this is for her, and I’ll be damned before I scare her off with my level of need for her. I’ll take any of her she’ll give to me—a dog begging for scraps, until she lets me in. I’m patient. I can wait.

“You have no idea how many times I’ve imagined you in that shirt.” I look down at the gray material, realizing it’s almost identical to my usual practice shirt, but with hockey printed in big bold letters beneath the university logo. “This shirt?” I laugh, walking slowly towards him.

“Yeah,” he says, grappling for me as I crawl across the bed. Ignoring my attempt at being sensual, he sits me on his lap, just the sheet between us. “It’s got my last name on it.” My cheeks blaze, satisfaction rolling through me. His hands tighten briefly on my thighs, like he’s worried I might bolt at any moment. But I’ve decided. He’s worth any of it—and if he doesn’t mind how fucked up and messy my life is, how little time I can afford to lose, then I’m not telling him to go.

“Rhys.” “And then, after that… I just felt numb. Like there was this dark shadow where everything good was and I couldn’t reach it anymore.” He laughs, a real one this time, and raises his eyes to mine. “And then.” He stretches out the word and kisses my nose. “This little punk figure skater grabbed my wrist and told me not to touch her, and I felt something. I was scared I’d never see her again.” “Oh?” I’m dizzy, spinning in the well of his brown eyes. I think I’ll drown in his dimples if they grow any deeper. “And then?”

I roll my eyes before returning to chewing and watching Rhys move around the kitchen like a scene from my favorite comfort movie. He plays with a frother for a moment and my eyes alight at his concentrated face, wishing I had my phone to take a picture of it. “Are you two dating now?” Freddy asks, whining like a kid when Rhys reprimands him again. I swallow every hesitation; every moment I’ve doubted because I know Rhys wants more. And, for the first time, I do too. “Yeah,” I say, trying to ignore the pinch of discomfort when they both go silent. “I’m his girlfriend.”

I start to spiral through my thoughts, ignoring whatever it is Freddy is saying as he stands up from his stool. “My girlfriend?” he asks, smugly hovering over my shoulder. I can’t look at him, terrified that I’ve made everything up in my head and that wasn’t what he wanted. But, a green mug with some sort of slightly misshapen flower design in the foam slides in front me. “What’s this?” “It’s… ah, latte foam art. It’s supposed to be a flower,” he says it sheepishly, quiet. “I love it.” Rhys kisses my neck, tucking my hair up in his hands and I have the ridiculous urge to cut it all off so he has better access to my skin there constantly. “I don’t think I’ve ever been happier, Gray,” he whispers. Another kiss to the corner of my mouth. “My girl.” Like a balm to a wound I didn’t know I carried, Rhys holds me close. And that’s more than enough.

Rhys taps on the glass with his glove, waiting until the guy stares him down. My boyfriend is smiling, his eyes dark. “Look at her again, see what happens.” The threat is clear, menacing despite the dimpled fake smile stretching his cheeks. He smacks the glass hard with the end of his stick, making the guy jump back as a roar of laughter echoes around them. I catch his eye again before he leaves the ice, getting a little wink from him that fills every empty piece of my soul.

Rhys chuckles, just a light huff. “Just got the breath knocked from me. Is Mom freaked out?” “Nyet, but there is someone I found a little flustered out there.” He steps back, immediately placing me in view where I’m hovering in the doorway. “Gray.” He sighs, a giant smile across his face. The trainers go back to their duties now that their center is cleared, so it’s just the three of us. “Come here.” Two words are all it takes for me to rush him, letting his arms wrap around me and his sweaty head to press against my chest. “You smell awful,” I say snarkily, a little huff of anger while my heart still won’t stop racing.

She’s perfect. I can feel a little hint of anger rolling off her and it’s intoxicating. She’s intoxicating. Sadie Gray is my fucking girlfriend now. I want to shout it in the little room so that my dad, the trainers—hell, the whole building—can hear me.

“Wanna play?” I ask, kissing Sadie again but she shakes her head. “Just wanna be around you, actually.” Her hands snake up over my shoulders and grip the muscles there, eliciting a quiet groan as she presses. “Can we go to your room?” “Already?” I tease, pulling back and flicking her nose. “I’m not that kind of man, Gray.” She laughs, husky and sexy and my jeans feel tight. “A bathroom, then,” she teases back. I grip her chin with a growl and lean down to kiss her softly. “Whatever my girlfriend wants, she gets.” And then, I embarrass her, tossing her up and over my shoulder as she squeals in protest—but it’s lighthearted and full of giggles. “Sorry, guys—raincheck on the beer pong. Have to go take care of my very needy girlfriend,” I announce, beaming with pride.

She is perfect, and I want her to know how deep my feelings run. I’d put a ring on her finger if it wouldn’t terrify her. I know she won’t run from me now, but I’m prepared for the strength it’ll take in the future.

I’m overwhelmed with that feeling again—the want to keep her here, protected and safe and mine. Until I’m biting down on my tongue, desperate to shove the I love you, I love you, I love you back down my throat. I’m not sure how much longer I can hold it back, but I’m desperate to keep her. And this—her melting into my arms and kissing my shoulders, peppering me with gentle movements that I copy until we’re laying with our heads at the footboard, whispering quiet secrets into the glittering dark—this is more than enough.

“I’m not mad at Sadie,” I tell him quietly. There’s a hesitancy to his stance, every line of his face, like he wants to say more but he doesn't know how. So, I take a guess. “I’m not gonna leave her, Oliver. Never, okay? She may ask me to go one day, but I will never leave her. Not her, or your brother or you. Tell me you understand that.” His cheeks blush as he angles his eyes down to the ground. “I understand.”

“I love you,” I mouth, pressing the words into the skin of her forehead, hoping that somehow, she hears them. Somehow, she knows.

She is layered in black and still—she is everything bright in my life. I love her, I’d do anything for her. And right now that means giving support, but the space to work out her own feelings.

“My parents have seats, and they wanted to invite Liam if you needed some help. She bites her lip. “They wouldn’t mind?” “No.” I smile sadly at her. “They’d love it. They love them.” “Yeah.” She nods, biting her lip. They love you too, you just need to let them in. I want to say, but keep it quiet.

When I pull into the parking lot, before Oliver can slam out of the car, I pause and look at Sadie. “I just want you to know that taking care of your brothers by yourself is very brave. You’re so strong and smart, and I hope I can be half as incredible one day.” I say it in front of her brothers, because I need them to understand how brave and amazing their big sister is—and how nothing that’s coming will change that. That no one wants to take them from her, nor her from them. “I’m here, for all of you, okay? I love you.” My eyes flicker in the rearview mirror, locking with Oliver’s. “I love all of you.” Liam giggles. “I love you too, Rhys.” I unlock the car and Oliver waits a bit before getting half out of the car. He turns back to me, because he’s on my side of the car and nods. “Love you.” My heart clenches because I know how rare those words are from him even to his own family.

“You’re a killer, Gray. Say it.” “I’m a killer,” she mutters, rolling her eyes even as I bottle up the slipping smile. “Good girl.” I smirk. “I’d kiss you but I don’t want to mess up your lipstick.” As I say it, she presses a dark red kiss mark into my palm, so I can hold it. “I’m proud of you, and so are your brothers. Now, go show them their sissy is a badass.” She does.

By the end of it, my cheeks hurt from my uncontrollable beaming smile. I’m so goddamn proud of her, so lucky to call her mine. So lucky that she calls me hers.

I love Rhys Koteskiy. And I’m learning that I do deserve him. I’m never letting go of his hand again.

I’m tired but I don’t sleep, even as Rhys crashes the moment his head hits the pillow. Daylight peaks through the closed blinds in his rooms, dancing across his handsome face as I stare at him a little in awe. I watched him grow, change since that day on the ice this past summer. I’ve seen his body shift and change, fill out again now that anxiety doesn’t stifle his usual massive appetite. He is beautiful. In his easy love for my brothers, his support of everything I do. His gentleness with my heart, but stubbornness against my anger. He cut through the vines of my anger and self-hatred like it was the only thing he was meant for. It’s taken me this long, but I know who he is now. Rhys Koteskiy is pure gold. I know it. And soon the entire world will, too.

Sadie Brown will always be the only thing I want to look at, shining and blazing like fire on ice. She’s always been beautiful, but I think my attraction to her grows with every day. She cut her hair recently and didn’t tell me before, just showed up at my apartment with her dark shiny hair in a blunt chop dusting her shoulders, skin pink from the New York winter winds and I nearly attacked her in the hallway. I’ve turned into an animal when it comes to her, with no signs of stopping.

I’m smiling and probably looking obviously lovesick as I lean against the open board entry and wait for her to notice me. She does, eyes shooting wide, a smile quickly following as she races towards me, tossing everything over the threshold before grabbing my jacket and jerking me almost onto the ice. I grab tight to the glass on the side, letting her devour my mouth for a moment, before I reach for her waist and pick her up. “I missed you,” she murmurs into my neck as I carry her to the bleachers. “I missed you more, Gray.”

It also garnered enough attention to leave me with a jealous Sadie ready to pounce and devour me every time I picked her up from the train station, or after games that she could come to, and especially coming home to where she’d moved into my old room at my parents’ house. Which, made my protective instincts at not being near her feel calm, settling some strange primal part of me, knowing she was falling asleep each night in my bed.

“I can’t believe you’re here. I thought you only had like two days before you travel.” I wince, pressing a few circles into her legging-clad calves. “I do. But I’d rather be here, than there.”

“Pancakes today, huh?” I ask, smiling as I come up behind Oliver and comb my hands through his shaggy dark hair. “Means it’s gonna be a good day,” Rhys answers, leaning over to kiss my cheek. “Right, boys?” “Yep,” Liam sings, taking a gargantuan bite of pancakes dripping with syrup, bopping in his seat like he’s dancing to music that’s not playing. “Gonna be a good day cause Rhys is asking you to marry—” Rhys’ hand plops over Liam’s mouth, while I feel a thud of Oliver kicking Liam under the table. Liam looks thoroughly embarrassed and apologetic as he swallows and ducks his head. “Sorry.” A smile slips across my skin, happiness bubbling in my stomach until I’m practically giggling, watching as Rhys rubs the back of his neck anxiously, but fights a laugh himself.

I follow behind him, quietly and quickly slipping my arms around his trim waist from the back, my face pressed into the middle of his back and inhaling his clean summer rain scent. “Rhys is going to do what?” I ask, pressing kisses between words. I’m almost certain I know, but I’m bursting with a desperate need for him to say it now. I don’t want to wait. I want to be his Gray forever.