Chaos (Beneath the Secrets, #1)

by Luna Mason

I’ll give you everything. Just never, ever, threaten to leave me like that again.” It would break me to pieces. I’ve just found them, yet they consume my every thought. They are providing me a lifeline I never knew how badly I needed.

“Good girl,” he mutters against my lips. “And even if you bankrupt my card, which, to be honest, would impress the hell out of me. I’ll just sell a couple of my Lambo’s.” “You are completely reckless, Jax.” “I prefer the term chaotic. It’s my quirk.”

It’s probably the fact I’m numb to most things. Physical pain is nothing to me.

“I had a brother. He’s dead.”

“I love you, Sofia. You complete me in ways I never even realized I was missing. You are everything. I live for you. I will die for you. You are, and always will be, the perfect in the midst of my chaos.”

“Stop making excuses for me! Stop trying to make me into someone I’m not. I woke up, with my dick pressing against a blonde’s ass. I called her Sof, for fuck’s sake. I thought she was you. I don’t remember a fucking thing, but I did it. I broke us. I’ve destroyed every good thing in my life. Is that what you need to hear? Does that make you believe me? I fucked another woman, Sofia. Listen to what I am telling you.”

Bile rises my throat as Jax walks over to Maeve and cuddles her into his chest. He nuzzles his head against her, but I can hear his sobs. Each one shatters me. This family was his life. He told me so.

Whatever it is you have going on, that self-destructive mode, fix it. Before you break yourself. Be better for her.”

Knowing that I did that to her, I deserve every piece of punishment. No one can be happy around me. I am the destroyer. The King of Chaos. Why?

“Kids grow up. They learn to appreciate what they have.” Her words are quiet. “We all need to learn those lessons, sometimes.” Is she still talking about Maeve? I can’t tell. “Some of us are too thick-headed. We just make the same mistakes.”

My throat starts to close in. My days are darker than even after Kai’s death. I can’t escape it, it’s consuming me.

“I can’t fix you. Only you can do that. You need to fight. That’s what you do best, isn’t it, Jax?”

All my fight has gone. I know I can never be the man she and Maeve deserve. All I’ll do is fuck them up. They’re better off without me. She’s right, she can’t fix me. No one can. I can’t keep doing this to them. I refuse to be a burden on them any longer. Fighting to keep breaking the ones I love is no longer an option. The only way they can be happy is without me.

To my baby girl, my tigryonok. I want you to know just how much I love you. Even if you only had me in your life for a brief time. Know that it meant more to me than you can imagine. I hope you grow up to be just like your beautiful mommy. Kind, brave, a Queen. But most of all. I just hope you can be happy. That is all I wish for, baby. I will always regret not being a good enough father for you. Trust me, everything will be better for you without me. That doesn’t mean you don’t own my heart and my soul. Because you do. I hope one day, you can forgive me for leaving you like this. Even though I might not be here, know that I will always be watching over you. I’m doing this to set you and mommy free. I’m sure one day she can tell you about the chaos that follows me, I didn’t want that for you. It had to stop. The pain had to stop for me. I wish I could have fought harder and been the man you both deserved. I just couldn’t do it anymore. The smiles I had for you two, they were the only real ones I’d experienced in a long, long time. Daddy will love you and mommy forever. More than you can ever imagine. I’m so sorry. When we meet again in the next life, I promise I’ll be stronger for you. All my love, forever. Daddy. Xxxx

I did this to myself. I got Kai involved in the mafia. I’m responsible for his death. I slept with someone else and broke Sofia’s heart. I tore my family apart. I’ve been a plague on everyone’s life since birth. My own mom didn’t want me enough to fight for me. My dad lied to me and abandoned me. I never even had a chance to meet my sister. Everyone lies to me. Everyone leaves.

“Talk about what? Nothing can fix me! You told me that yourself! I’m broken. I’m already fucking dead inside. I have been for years. What difference does it make? Just leave me alone!”

Men, like anybody else, sometimes just need to be held tight and told that everything will be okay. There isn’t a cure for a mind that works against you. There is no magic button to press to make the dark thoughts go away. I’ll have to battle this every day, probably for the rest of my life. And I will. I will continue to fight for us. For me. For our daughter. And most of all, for this beautiful soul in front of me. I will never stop, and with her by my side, I know I can do it. She is my strength in this life. My forever. Now the good days outweigh the bad. I have a radiant light in my darkened world. And in spite of everything, there is always beauty in chaos.