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“Coffee and a scone,” I tell the woman behind the counter, because I hate myself a little right now, and for some reason it seems appropriate to indulge in a baked good I will not enjoy.
“Bad day?” She tips her head, studying me. “Bad year.” Her lips form a tentative smile. “We’re only two weeks into January.” “When you know, you know.”
Ruthie and I do not get along. When she was a little kid—a toddler, for fuck’s sake—she used to pretend she was a dog so she’d have an excuse to bite me. The years haven’t improved things between us. She’s the kind of woman who excels in driving people crazy, and she seems to have a special interest in driving me crazy.
I feel someone staring, and look up to see a woman wearing a furry onesie watching me like I’m crazy. A low moment, to be sure.
I only seem to fall in love with men who use me and then throw me away, like a piece of gum that’s lost its flavor.
Did I ever have a crush on Shane? Yes, an excruciating one, but it lasted only until I was ten, nearly eleven, when I overheard him asking Danny why he kept letting his little sister tag along. That’s when my rose-colored glasses shattered. My hurt feelings sharpened to dislike every time he called me “kid” or “kiddo,” a practice he continues to this day.
I don’t trust myself to pick the right person, and the last thing I want is for Izzy believe in a dream that will never become her reality. I’d allow myself to fall in love with the wrong man, but I won’t let her do it.
I’m smart enough to recognize a pattern. To know that the same man who’s telling me that I’m lovely and smart and my ideas for Vanny are revolutionary will shift the discourse soon enough. The compliments will bleed into remarks about how I’m naïve and foolish and exhausting. How I couldn’t even manage to open a tin can if it weren’t for him. And it will happen so slowly I won’t notice until it’s too late, and I’m under his control.
It had crushed me to find out what he really thought of me. I can still hear him asking Danny, “Why does your kid sister always want to tag along? Doesn’t she have any friends of her own?” Asshole. My lips tighten with the memory. Admittedly, I’m being a little unfair—he was only fifteen when he said that, but still…
It’s these dark spots inside of me, these caverns I’ve tried to fill with different things. With Vanny. With Eden and Tank. With men who don’t love me.
“Ruthie, who would have thought I’d marry the little brat who used to follow me around pretending she was a dog? For a while there, I thought I was going to have to report you for stalking, but you made me come around eventually, huh? I used to think you were the last woman I’d ever marry, but you’ve made me realize personality isn’t everything. I guess there’s something to be said for persistence.”
“Oh, Shane. You do have an excellent memory. Do you remember the time you and my brother got drunk on my parent’s stash, and you peed in the coat closet? I put up that sign saying ‘Not a Bathroom’ to help you avoid making that little mistake again. That’s what a married couple should do—find little ways to help each other. I pledge to keep you from pissing in coat closets for the rest of this marriage.”
The dog’s kind of a pain in the ass, but I still like her. She reminds me a bit of Ruthie—she’ll ruin your life but wag her tail and look cute as hell while doing it.
“If you needed help with insurance, you could have come to me. I would have married you.” “I know,” I say softly. “And that’s why I couldn’t.” Because on the night Tank stayed over, he told me he was in love with me, complimented my muscular thighs, and then fell asleep in a drunken stupor on my couch.
It’s like the Disneyland of lawyers’ offices—if Disneyland were beige and the candy handed out looked like it came from the discount bin or your grandmother’s basement.
This place is… It’s like what you’d get if there were a lawyer’s office in Candyland and people paid in licorice sticks.”
“It’s not like that. I really care about her.” He lifts his eyebrows. “That’s news to me. You’re always poking at her, wanting to know what she’s planning with her van. Treating her like she’s an obnoxious kid even though she’s almost thirty. Is that what caring about someone looks like for you?”
