Five Brothers

by Penelope Douglas

Don’t walk alone at night. I don’t think my parents ever told me that, but I learned it well enough. The world is full of things that want to hurt us because they can. Because we make it easy.

Everything in life is about power, and it wasn’t that I was taught that I didn’t have any. I learned that men would like me better if I didn’t show it.

“We’re not dead yet,” he murmurs over my skin at my temple.

But before I can catch my breath, I hear his voice in my ear. “Someday,” he says as he squeezes my throat, “when you look, act, and smell like a pristine pair of fifteen-hundred-dollar heels, and you’re married to a lawyer or a banker who tastes like glue and parades you around like his little trophy…” He flicks his tongue over my ear, taunting me. “I can wonder if it’s my son he’s playing Daddy to.”

“Holy shit.” I scan the dark, empty living room. “Who the hell was that?”

Guilt nips at me, because I’m really glad I left his room last night. What happened afterward was certainly weird. Would I do it again? Yes.

I kick a rock, looking over at the Mercedes that now sits as lopsided as my Rover did last night. Fuuuuuck these boys. Dammit!

And I want to be the one who looks at him tonight, because tomorrow night no one will.

I’m not the one you run to when you’re lonely. Not anymore. I’m not going to always stick around. I don’t need anyone. Stay or don’t stay. Be here or don’t. I don’t give a shit.

She’s one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever encountered. Beauty in motion. In everything she does.

She’s in love with being alive. And that’s also why I despise her. She can be what I can only see. She’s the breath others breathe. I’ll never be beautiful like that.

“Sometimes I wonder how much of your military training you’re willing to use to keep the Bay safe,” I think out loud, listing on my fingers. “You seem to know computers, mechanics, and you’re definitely skilled at strategy…What did you do in the Marines?” “I was a combat medic.”

“Don’t ever do that again,” Aracely suddenly says at my side. But I don’t care. “He’s a hypocrite,” I bite out. “He drinks.” “Yeah.” She turns to face me. “Because he cares more about their lives than he ever did his own.”

“Doing what you have to in order to survive isn’t noble if your soul can’t survive you,”

Krisjen strolls out, carrying a few cans and setting them on the counter. “Hey,” she singsongs to Army. He looks at her. I look at him. He looks at me. She dives back into the pantry, and I swallow my last bite.

I don’t react, but inside, I’m smiling more than I want to admit. She’s so innocent. In a way that’s sweet, pure, and endearing, and for some reason, a little annoying, too. I wish anything made me as happy as she is reenacting a shampoo commercial.

“We probably have enough spare parts to make another bike,” I say. “If you want to learn how to drive.” “No,” she replies right away, walking around the motorcycle to me. “I like riding with you.”

“I don’t want you to take care of me!” I growl, pulling her into me. “I don’t want you to make me soup and clean up after me and tell me what to eat and what not to drink! I don’t want you to do the things a mother does!” I hover over her lips, starving as I lower my voice to a whisper. “I want you to do the things a girlfriend does.”

I was made for her. “Touch me.” I rest my forehead to hers. “And kiss me and come to bed in pretty things, or nothing, or my fucking sweatpants, for all I care, because God, you look good in them.” I trail my mouth up her cheek to her temple. “And smile at me when you’re happy, and yell at me when you’re mad, and ride with me on the back of my bike in the rain.” I come back to her eyes. “Drag me to dumb shit like plays and couples’ game nights and stick your tongue in my mouth whenever possible.”

Pack up the kids… “But my parents…” I retort. “They know where to find us if they ever want to be parents again.”

Grabbing me in both hands, he lifts me up and pins me to the tree. I wrap my legs around him. “What was one of the rumors about me that you said you heard?” he whispers over my jaw. “That I’m gonna breed you all out?” I hold his face in my hands. “I love you.” His scent fills my head, and I close my eyes, my hair like a curtain falling between us. “You could be carrying one of ours right now,” he says, hovering his mouth over mine. “My brothers and I had a lot of fun with you, after all.” I brush my nose to his. “I love you,” I whisper. “He’s going to get you nice and used.” I kiss him softly on the lips, and I feel his body tremble under my hands. “I love you.” “I would father all of your children,” he murmurs. I press my lips to his forehead, trailing kisses down his temple, down his face, and to the corner of his mouth. “Summon me every time you want one.” He breathes hard, digging his fingers into the backs of my thighs. “I’ll happily work for you.” Leaning in, he kisses my forehead, sets me back on my feet, and leaves me there. “I love you,” I mouth long after he’s gone.

World in bed. World quiet. It feels like forever ago that she’d get in her pajamas and grab her pillow, but then she wouldn’t use it. I was her pillow those nights she slept in my room.

He touches my lips with his. “I love you,” he says. I hug him. “Mine.”