Worst Wingman Ever

by Abby Jimenez

Some girl would be on YouTube three years from now, doing her makeup while she covered the chilling Valentine’s Day death of a local single Burbank nurse, who died because she didn’t have a boyfriend to walk her to her car. No, thank you. Kill me tomorrow.

We’d alllll been dating the same guy. “Want me to come meet you with a shank?” she asked.

Time is such a precious thing. How you spend it, how you waste it. And it becomes even more valuable as the hourglass runs out, because you will never get more of it. I see it every day. The panic as the last grains of sand fall.

He also stole my neti pot, which for some reason pissed me off more than the cheating. He does not deserve clear sinuses.

“I drink iced coffee and I know things.”

“Take responsibility for your own unhappiness. If you don’t love your life, change it.”