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“I’m serious. I felt like a ninja. That guy who owns the wakeboard place brought me doughnuts, and I had to do the whole duck-and-roll thing behind the counter. I kinda hurt my shoulder. Can you look at it?”
Time is such a precious thing. How you spend it, how you waste it. And it becomes even more valuable as the hourglass runs out, because you will never get more of it. I see it every day. The panic as the last grains of sand fall.
He also stole my neti pot, which for some reason pissed me off more than the cheating. He does not deserve clear sinuses.
“We’re not gonna cry over some medium-ugly man with a receding hairline who left a four-in-one shampoo in your shower. You are a beautiful death goddess, do you hear me?”
We’re getting chocolate-wasted.
I figured the universe was sending me a sign that yes, I did need to apologize to the poor recipient of my brother’s free peen voucher.
It made me smile. A little.
“I am not man-shopping at Home Depot.”
“You want the guys buying the red tools,” she said, making eye contact with each of us. “Red tools are a green flag.” “Why red?” Mom asked, drying a bowl with a rag. “Those are the expensive, professional ones.” She propped her foot on the edge of Grandma’s bed and did a hamstring stretch. “You could make an exception for a guy with yellow tools if he’s cute enough. But never green. Ever.” “No green,” I said, smacking her foot off the comforter. “Got it.” Mom was shaking her head. “Where did you learn all this?” “I drink iced coffee and I know things.”
Because my self-esteem is shattered? Because I’m not ready to trust someone yet? Because my heart is about to be broken in a way I’ve never known, and there isn’t room for more?
“One that should have his dick in a guillotine,” Jillian said. “A what?” Lucy asked. “A DICK GUILLOTINE,” my sister repeated. “A tiny one.”
“DICK GUILLOTINE!”
“This is exactly what they mean when they say, ‘If he wanted to, he would.’”
“Red tools, green flag. Did you talk to him?”
“Yeah. You know who told me that? This homeless guy at the farmers market.”
That’s the thing about kindness. You never know how big the ripple is. How one little selfless gesture can make all the difference for the person who receives it.
“Take responsibility for your own unhappiness, Holly. If you don’t love your life, change it.”
“You’re gonna have so many people waiting for you in heaven one day, beautiful girl,” she said quietly. “I’ll be the first one in line.”
“Okay, but that is such a boss bitch move, though,” she said. “I know.” “An absolute queen. And Aunt Lucy!”
“Imagine having to kill a guy named Chip,” she whispered. “That would piss me off. Like, you’re gonna have a stupid name and be an asshole? Pick a struggle.”
“I’d shove a dead guy into a river for you. I’d shove a live one in there too.”
A fucking legend.”
“Yes,” I said. “You can definitely take me out. And I think what I’m looking for is already here.”
