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As one of the only nonwhite kids in my hometown, years ago I developed a theory that there are two ways to survive socially when you’re different. One—be like everyone else. In other words, make sure that my skin color is the only difference between me and my classmates. But I always knew that strategy would never work for me. Because I’ve always been . . . well, odd. Which was fine when I was a little kid living in Toronto, because being a weird Brown kid was pretty common in the city. But not in Alderville, the tiny town that my parents moved us to when I was seven. I realized then for the
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What would it be like to be so comfortable with new people? “You ever feel like the whole world is spinning five steps ahead of you?” I ask. “And by the time you catch up with them, they’ve already moved on?”
One, your life is going to get so much better once you step away from the people holding you back, because real friends don’t forget friends when things don’t go as planned.
how hard it is to have a happily ever after in a place you’re not supposed to be.
It feels a little like we’re playing with fire. It’s one thing to get information from past Jay to figure out where present Jay is, but to have past Jay make changes to his timeline based on things I tell him could increase the differences between our worlds. Or cause a temporal paradox so big we’ll blow up the universe.
Because, as I’d recently learned, your closest friends are sometimes the ones who betray you the most.
I even remember thinking that I didn’t have a lot of meet-cutes, and bumping into someone in a library should have been my meet-cute. But I was too scared to say anything and ran away.
I understand Jay’s warnings now. Jack seems . . . dangerous. And not just because his flirting made me uncomfortable, although that was the first time anyone has ever called me exquisite. There’s something about him that’s both compelling and off-putting, and I can’t put my finger on it. Actually, both compelling and off-putting is the best way to describe this whole party.
“Yeah, I knew Jay. He was also a wildflower . . . not a water lily, though. Jay was a thistle, or a forget-me-not.” Jack makes no sense. I wonder if he really is on cocaine, like Bailey said. “Are you into flowers or something?” He shrugs, staring out into the distance. “Jay wasn’t the first or the last person absorbed by this gilded swamp. He might be the most unfortunate, though.”
“Jay was different, you know? He was always drawn to unexpected bursts of light. He’d dance with the water lily and make it bloom. He didn’t come from the swamp . . . he could see right through the murk.” He sighs, sinking deeper into the sofa. “He could have been the best of us . . . he should have been. The swamp flowed through his veins, too, you know. But it’s not right. He didn’t sign up for any of it. Wanderlust shouldn’t hurt anyone. It’s a gift.”
“When I see him in the lagoon, I’ll tell him that the water lily is in his room now. He’ll be so happy to see you again.”
I don’t know why the night made me feel like both a complete outsider and a brand-new person.
Aleeza: Do you ever feel alone in a roomful of people? Jay: It’s just because the world needs to catch up with you.
Jay: Jack is an interesting one. I would say he’s the only one in that group I’m still friends with. He’s both the most and the least trustworthy one of them.
Jay: Yes, I admit I am. Useless to be jealous, though. I’m just a ghost.
To find out on the same day that a guy likes me and is also dead is a lot. Talk about a doomed crush.
Octopuses can change their colors. Never the same look twice.
Memories are so fragile; how can I be expected to keep them whole for that long?
And it would be amazing to know for sure that he could come back. To know that a goodbye might not be a final goodbye. Aleeza: And it would be nice to know that there’s a possibility we could have a future instead of only a past and a present.
Aleeza: I went to an aquarium when I was a kid, and the tour guide went on for a while about what amazing problem solvers they are, and how they’re really smart. My brother said I was like an octopus because I was into puzzle games. And it kind of stuck. Jay: You like them because they’re smart? Aleeza: And I think they’re cool looking. Plus, I love that some octopuses can camouflage themselves to blend into their environment. Jay: I don’t think you blend in even though you want to.
Aleeza: We will. I’m like an octopus, remember? I solve things. I won’t let you go. Jay: I trust you. But . . . I keep thinking about all the things I’ll miss out on if I die. I’m only nineteen.
Wow. He’s not afraid of commitment anymore. This is huge for Jay. It wasn’t that long ago that he called me naive for wanting my own family. But I suppose learning about his mortality changed him.
Jay: I don’t know. I think I’d notice how smart you are. And how we’re both weirdly obsessive about our favorite foods, and how we both like old movies. I’d like to think I would’ve asked you out, but . . . I don’t know. That’s what I should do, in that hypothetical situation. But it’s possible I’d be too much of a dumbass to actually do it. Aleeza: Because you didn’t believe in commitment. Jay: I think I would have realized that you’d be worth so much more than a hookup, and I would have backed away because that wasn’t my style. Honestly, I think my whole no-commitment thing is a trauma
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I’m not willing to push Jay too hard either. He’s having an existential crisis, and facing his mortality head-on, and I’m the only one he can talk to about it. I want to be there for him, not make this harder.
I have faith that my octopus will save me.
As I sit on the busy city bus, I wonder what it would have been like to grow up here instead of in Alderville. Here, where there are more nonwhite people than white. Where I would blend into the crowd instead of always being the odd one out. The food would certainly have been better.
I’m so tired of maybes. I need a definite answer.
What could she say? That I’m ridiculous to try to change the fate of someone I don’t even know? That I’m an idiot for falling in love with a ghost?
“He said when things don’t go as planned, friends never forget friends.”
