The Paradise Problem

by Christina Lauren

“Are you shitting my dick right now?”

I love her

“We’ll have to share a bungalow,” I say, ignoring her, “but I expect it will be large enough that we’ll have our own spaces when we’re alone.”

I SURE HOPE NOT

my foul language (okay, fair), my use of recreational or illegal drugs (also fair).

Rude

She leans forward and hugs me. “This is going to be a disaster. I’m so excited!”

Omg yessssssss

Now I think all she wants in life is a girls’ trip where she has accidental sex with a waiter. Or several waiters. Don’t be surprised if she asks us for a threesome.”

Oh shit. Blair sounds messy. I like her already

The ten-thousand-dollar check that was life-changing for me is nothing to the Westons. That realization is both intimidating and nauseating.

Ugh. And I’m closer to him than her in all reality. Ugggh

West stops me before I reach the stairs to exit the plane, his big hand wrapped around my forearm. “Have I grossly miscalculated this?” “Uh, undoubtedly?”

🤣🤣

“Did I tell you a group of employees got together and wrote a letter to headquarters asking us to revise our corporate policy on piercings, hair color, and visible tattoos? It failed, of course. Too trashy for the stores. Unappetizing, you know?”

Fucking WOW. What a d-bag

It’s this moment right here when it sinks in that we won’t just be sharing a room for ten days; we’ll be sharing a bed.

ONLY ONE BEDDDDDDDDDDD

There’s a real Isle Esme feel to the decor (if you know, you know),

IS THAT A TWILIGHT JOKE?!

My ovaries stand up and exit my body with a forlorn salute, launching themselves into the monster soup.

I cackled out loud

These words make my ocean-dwelling ovaries incinerate,

🤣☠️ deceased from lols

“Well, the good news is now everyone will know for sure who you belong to.” He laughs. “Unfortunately, Blaire will still grab my ass.”

I Stan Blair and her incorrigible sluttiness

I absolutely do not look down at his shorts; what kind of a trash goblin do you take me for? But if I did look down, I would see quite a tent happening.

THE BEST KIND OF TRASH GOBLIN!!!

Dad’s expression morphs. His teeth pull back into a grotesque sneer. “You want a thank-you? Fuck you. You want an apology? Fuck you. The only reason you exist is because of what I gave you. The only reason you can live is because of my money.” He steps closer, getting in my face, his spit hitting my chin as he huffs out a derisive laugh. “Do you forget? Everything I gave you, I can take away just as fast. I own you. Every single one of you.”

This dude needs to drown in the ocean

“Mmmm,” Blaire moans, a little too sexually to not be awkward. “This is heaven.”

Keeping it classy, Blaire

I want to be on your team. I’m here for you. I’m your ride-or-die, West Weston. This feels like anger. Or dread. Or fear. And that’s when I force myself to stop, because what I’m truly afraid of is giving this fear a name.

🎶 You really liiiiike herrrrr. You want to smoooooch herrrrr🎶

Is she doing this on purpose? Walking to Jamie to make me jealous?

Bro. But up or chill the fuck out. He’s literally the only other safe person

Mostly it feels good but doesn’t hit me like a spear to the chest and a slap to the lady parts.

I wanna be kissed like that lolol

“These.” She reaches up, carefully peeling it off, and, with a delighted laugh, slaps it to my tuxedo jacket, cackling when it adheres. And this, right here, is where I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether I’m supposed to laugh at Anna Green, ravage her, or marry her all over again—but this time for real.

Goddammit. MARRY HER

“Wow,” I say, grinning at my little soldier. “She’s really on there.” “How did you take this off without removing skin?” he asks, flummoxed. “I guess now is when I tell you the truth,” I say with quiet solemnity. “You may have noticed that I sparkle in the sunlight. That my skin is like marble.” I pause. “This is the skin of a killer.”

DIVORCE HER AND MARRY HER TWICE

I lean in, shouting at the TV. “What? No! This is no time for commercials!”

I feel this deeply

Or we can sell it and get a different ring, a more Anna-appropriate ring, a ring a Muppet would wear, with gemstones of every color or a chain of diamond daisies.

MUPPET RING!!! 🥰

As of last summer, Ray was officially booted out of any role at the company. He’s been charged with insider trading for the shares he unloaded before leaking the PISA documents.

YAAAAAY!!!