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You’ve legally been living and working in New York for . . . how many years now?” “Eight.” I see a momentary flash of realization in her eyes. Eight years. When she lived in New York I was here too, which she didn’t know then, but I did. And I never contacted her.
She should come with a warning: Nearness may cause distractibility and lapses in judgment. Proceed with Caution.
Except you know a truth about
her family that even she doesn’t know—and it’s one she could never forgive you for.
“I am so many things,” he says, his voice low and steady, “but a gentleman is not one of them.”
“There is a difference between loving and spoiling. Loving means giving someone what they need in order to feel safe and cared for. Spoiling is giving someone what they don’t need, just because they want it. You should learn the difference if you are going to work with children.”
I know my name is printed across her back, like I can see it printed across Stella’s, and the clarity of what I want is astounding: she should be, and in many ways already is, mine. As much as I’ve fought against that desire my whole life, I realize it’s fruitless. I will never be happy until we’re together. It’s the inevitable ending of our story.
“You have no fucking idea what you do to me, Petra. Watching myself enter you like this—You . . . this . . . is even better than I always imagined.”
“You like that I’m wearing your number?” “I normally avoid jersey chasers like the plague,” he says. “But you in my jersey . . . it’s the biggest fucking turn-on.”
“There was so much passion in your voice just now. I need to know what you look like when you’re talking about something you’re so committed to.”
“But Raina will only be my nanny. I wanted Petra to stay and be my mom.”
Petra, every single day. I want sex, yes. But I want her. I want her parenting Stella with me, I want her sitting at my dinner table, I want her wearing my jersey at my games, I want to watch TV on the couch with her at night, and wake up with her in my arms. I want her making decisions with me about our future together. I want us to be the family I never had, and the family Stella deserves. I want forever.
“I feel like love is a lot stronger when you want someone without needing them,” Sierra says. “Please explain.” I like this phrase Aleksandr used the other night, and I think I’m going to employ it often. “Well,” she says slowly before pausing. “When you love someone because you need them, it’s hard to tell what that love is based on—is it really love or is it codependency? But when you love someone that you don’t need in your life, when you’re already whole and you love someone because they make you happier, better, more fulfilled—that’s a much stronger kind of love.”
“I’ve missed you for fourteen years,” he says. “I hardly think I’m going to stop now.”
“I’ve never felt this way about anyone else. It’s always been you, love. Always, only you.”
