Darkest Sins (Perfectly Imperfect, #9)

by Neva Altaj

“Long time no see, tiger cub.” The deep, raspy voice washes over me. Hearing it is like being swaddled by a thick fluffy blanket. I’m safe and secure, in a place where no one can do me harm.

Time. They say that time heals all wounds. It’s all lies and a crock of bullshit. Time didn’t take away my memories of him, even though I wished for that on numerous occasions. I still remember every single thing about this man.

“I missed you, too, cub,” he whispers, raising a big black gun, fitted with a suppressor. “Do not move.” My breathing stops. The muffled gunshot wheezes through the air.

well. One of my former colleagues had a saying: “Never presume someone is dead until he’s sporting a hole in his head.” It’s a solid mantra.

“Next time you stumble upon a man with a gunshot wound, you either run or you kill him.” He leans in until his face is mere inches from mine, and one of the loose dark strands of hair brushes my cheek. “You got that, tiger cub?”

I still think about him. His rough, broken voice. The way he lay on that table, utterly still, as I dug the bullet out of his flesh.

But the thing that left the biggest impression on me was my stranger’s eyes. So beautiful. And so empty. There was nothing in those two silver orbs. No fear of dying. No concern. Nothing. Looking into them felt like I was looking at a soul made of stone.

If I let myself be taken out, I wouldn’t be able to make sure the girl is okay. I need to make sure she’s safe, and that need is stronger than the wish to finally end my existence.

But I want to give her something. More than a kiss on her hand. I’ve actually never kissed anyone or anything before. I don’t have much to offer, so that night, I gave her what I had. A kiss for the hand that treated my wound with such care. But, I can also give her safety.

And I will not allow a potential threat to live anywhere near my tiger cub.

Status and position are the most important things in Cosa Nostra, and as the eldest daughter of the don, you could say that I’m the most sought-after prize. I learned that the hard way last year.

For some reason, keeping an eye on my little savior has an unusually calming effect on me. She did save my life on the night we met, but not in the way she probably thinks. It wasn’t the makeshift bandage, which I keep in my pocket wherever I go. And it wasn’t her inexperienced extraction of the bullet from my side. But, had I not met her, the next mission likely would have been my last.

How could I watch over my girl if I’m dead? The night she tied her scarf around my thigh and then offered me her hand, my life became hers.

It’s been four months since she found me in that dark alley, and I still can’t get her out of my head. The need to know she’s safe consumes me. It’s more than an obsession—it’s a primal urge. One that must be obeyed or I’m going to lose my shit. Something that started as quick checkups every couple of weeks, has now turned into hours-long sessions of just watching her. Keeping my eyes on her, because nothing can touch her on my watch. Nothing can harm her when I’m near.

My heart leaps, as it does every time he calls me by that nickname. No one has ever called me anything but Nera before. “Why do you call me tiger cub?”

And still, my girl trusted me with her safety. Even gave me her unprotected back when I asked, then fell asleep while alone with a monster. Allowed me to carry her inside. Into her home. Into her safe space.

“Men who need bullets removed from their bodies and wounds sewn up don’t go around bringing girls parsley, Nera.”

I hoped he’d show up so we could continue talking. About nothing. And yet, everything.

I’ve missed his gloomy presence. In a strange way, he is one of the few, rare genuine things in my life right now.

“Everything dies, tiger cub. Dogs. Cats. People. From the moment we’re born, we’re all heading in the same direction. Toward our death. It’s how life works.”

“I don’t like anyone touching my hair,” he says. I suck in a breath. Considering all the pinching, prodding, and squeezing I’ve done while patching him up, I didn’t expect that he would care if I touched his hair. “I won’t do it again.” His eyes lower to my lips, and linger there for a heartbeat. Then, he quickly looks away. “I don’t mind when you do it, cub.”

“Everything else I have belongs to someone else, tiger cub. My past. Knowledge and skills. Even my name. I don’t mean it like it’s some figure of speech, either. None of those are mine.”

Twenty-seven days. Ten hours. And twenty-five minutes. That’s how long it’s been since I’ve spoken with her. I’ve been checking up on her regularly, but I’ve kept my distance.

“You, my tiger cub, are a ray of light in the absolute darkness my life has become and has been for a very long time.”

My demon cocks his head to the side, his eyes lowering to my lips. “Yes. But on the other hand, it also means light. Radiance. Or brightness.”

I lean forward until my mouth is ghosting over his ear and whisper, “I like the idea of you watching over me, demon.”

“I’d like to do much more than just watch over you.” Deep, raspy words crash over me like a waterfall. He takes my face between his palms, and even though his touch is light, I can feel every ridge of his skin. “But some things are never meant to happen.”

“For the light to shine, darkness must retreat. It’s what’s meant to be.”

I don’t want him to go. I never know how much time will pass until he decides to show himself again.

This hand is mine. She offered it to me freely, and I’m not releasing it unless it’s absolutely necessary. One day, maybe she’ll allow me to touch more than just her hand, but for now, this has to be enough.

“I dream about you, tiger cub.” Whispered words, just before he places a fleeting kiss on my fingertips. “But my every dream is interrupted by an alarm clock.”

“Light and darkness don’t mix, tiger cub. They cancel each other out.” He dips his head and kisses the tip of my finger. “And I would never dare to shroud your flame.”

“I wouldn’t mind sharing your darkness. You just need to let me in.” I lean on his chest and inhale his scent. “I’ve never been afraid of the dark, demon, because sooner or later, daylight always follows.”

“I’ll annihilate anyone who dares to touch a hair on your head.” His deep voice is infused with so much menace. “No one. Nothing will ever do you harm. I thought you understood that.”

“I said you won’t see me. Not that I won’t be there,” he says just before turning the corner. “No one will touch you on my watch, tiger cub.”

Every time he lets me see him, each time he comes by, I fall for him a little more. And every time he leaves, my heart aches. Little by little, without a conscious thought or even an effort on his part, I’ve fallen in love with a man who is still very much an enigma to me. The walls he keeps between us are more than impenetrable rock. They are a fucking mountain bastion. He won’t let me in. The little things he lets slip here and there, help paint a picture of his life before we met, and some things I’ve figured out on my own. But that’s all I have.

I need to feel his skin on mine. I want to know the taste of his lips. The weight of his body as it presses against me. I want everything, but I’m afraid that if I bang too hard on the barrier he has set between us, I might lose him. For good.

But I’m taking the kiss that she offered. For someone like me, it’s more than I deserve.

Every morning I wake up with her face on my mind, and each night I go to sleep with her name on my lips. It’s wrong. Everything about this is wrong. She’s so young, and not just in terms of her years. I’m barely thirty, but I feel ancient in comparison. My three decades on this earth are filled with violence and death.

“Excitement, while I wait for your arrival. Happiness, when you finally decide to show up. And sadness, every time you leave. I feel joy when I stumble upon the little gifts you leave for me, when I find them around my place.” I reach out behind his back and pull away the hair tie holding his braid as I continue. “Warmth and serenity when we sit next to each other on my roof, doing nothing but staring into the night. Contentment and acceptance because you see me as I am.” My fingers tunnel through his hair, slowly gliding among the long strands. “You. I feel you. With every fiber of my being, demon.”

“I’m never going to leave you,” he says. “Even if I wanted to, I know I never could. I’ll be watching over you till the day I die, cub. And as long as I live, no one will dare touch a hair on your beautiful head.”

Grabbing her around the waist, I roll us until I’m lying on top of her. “I don’t care how much better than me the motherfucker is, or if he’s more worthy of you. I will fucking gut any man who comes within fifteen feet of what is mine.”

“Nothing on this earth would stop me from coming back to you, my tiger cub.” I slam my mouth to hers. “I promise.”

Not that I believe myself to be redeemable. No, there’s no absolution for my sins. And my general stance about people hasn’t changed—I still don’t give a fuck if they live or die. But Nera does. And I would do anything if I could become more worthy of her. A good man I will never be, but I could be better. For her.

“My demon came for me. Carried me out in his arms while they were raining bullets on us. That’s why I was distraught Friday night. He saved me, but I had no idea if he made it out himself. He took a bullet for me, Zara.” I meet her gaze. “I’m in love with him. And after this party, I’m telling Dad that I won’t let him marry me off. Ever.”

I never wanted him gone. I didn’t mean those hateful words I yelled at him from my roof that night. He should have known. After everything that happened between us, he should have known that I couldn’t live without him. And still, he left me.

I never saw them together, which is a blessing, in a way. If I had, I’m not sure I would have been able to resist sending a bullet through the man’s head. I’m glad the asswipe is dead, and that fact makes me feel sick. Nera married him, so she must have loved him. Regardless, I can’t pretend I’m not glad the fucker is six feet under.

“Even when I was on the brink of madness, barely alive and unable to grasp where or who I was, I remembered you.” His voice is raspy next to my ear. “Where’s my gun? There are things I need to take care of.”

I want to kiss him. And hit him. And send him to hell—all at the same time.

“She has her father’s eyes. Pale-gray, like the break of first light to end a starless night.”