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June 20 - June 25, 2024
If Shakespeare had been a reality star, he may have written this book.
Is it ridiculous? It surely is. But at the same time, it’s amazing. Because sometimes, ridiculous is amazing.
Mentally, I put myself in the position of the groom who was at home thinking his fiancée was out for ladies’ night, and meanwhile, there’s a DIHM.
Though I have to admit, as a result of those punishments during my adolescence, I now suffer from a rare psychological condition known as “having respect for others.”
my tolerance increased to such a point that I worked up to averaging ten thirty-milligram oxycodone pills three times a day.
Suboxone, a drug used to treat opioid addiction that eases withdrawal symptoms. (Later, I would be hired as a spokesman for the drug.)
When all else fails, you just have to do the next right thing. Put one foot in front of the other to move forward. Eventually, you’ll get there. I promise.
Pain in life is inevitable, and you can’t ignore it. Drugs bury it. They don’t make it go away. When you get sober, all that recessed pain is dug up. You have to work through it to get back to your baseline. Life doesn’t get easier; you get stronger.
One woman in particular called out, “Oh my God, look at his abs. That’s a situation!”
said, “Nah, that’s not a situation; this is the situation,” and I pointed at my abs, flexing while everyone smiled and laughed.
The familiar Jersey Shore fragrance of sweat, spray tan, and cologne filled our nostrils as laser lights shined off bouncing gold chains. Hissing fog machines lending a surreal visual quality completed this frantic scene. Now this was a party! It was the natural habitat of the hottest creatures in the New York metro area, and we were the alpha dogs. We roamed the grounds like a dominant wolf pack on the hunt, sniffing and marking our territory as we scavenged prey. An extremely attractive girl wearing
Mike. Only he could be that arrogant but at the same time possess the self-awareness to be in on the joke. He got it. He didn’t take himself too seriously. The guy oozed with confidence, but he had humility too.
Pauly was the first one to arrive after me. When he walked in the door, I was like, Aight, we cool. This is gonna be good. He and I immediately clicked. I mean, his name is Paul Michael; mine is Michael Paul. My birthday is July 4; his is July 5. He’s a good-looking guy; I’m a good-looking guy. We both dressed great and were the same height. Both tan. Both jacked. He had a natural swag I recognized in myself. I knew that with us together, it was going to be an epic summer.
Vinny graduated from college and had been studying to be a lawyer before the show. Honestly, he seemed like the odd man out. Maybe he was a diversity hire, I don’t know, haha.
Ah, Angelina. Little-known fact: I knew Angelina already. We’d actually hooked up a couple of times back in the day when we both were in the same club scene. In fact, when Anthony Beltempo asked me during the casting process if I knew anyone else who would be good for the show, I referred and vouched for Angelina. Before the show, we got along really well. During the casting process, she always texted me each time she made it to the next interview and let me know prior to arriving in Seaside that she had been cast. Still, when she first walked in the door, I was like wow, she really did make
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At a minimum, I had a threesome every night.
My opiate consumption grew into an unmanageable habit that season. I was high all the time, taking upwards of twenty pills a day. Trying to hide it from my employer, I would sneak them in the bathroom every couple of hours. I was barely holding on while my behavior was, to say the least, out of control.
went on Kimmel high as hell, but that was alright. I was used to it.
Whoopi Goldberg was another one who spotted the tell-tale signs of my addiction and tried to call attention to my actions. Many times, she graciously reached out to warn me that I was moving too fast. She had a very loving and caring manner about her that I will never forget.
Yes, it was the most awkward thing ever. Yes, I was high as giraffe balls. No, I didn’t care about getting booed, mostly due to being so high. And yes, it was one of the most-watched roasts Comedy Central ever aired.
A few months earlier, Mike Tyson and I were presenting at the same awards show. At one point, he leaned over and whispered in my ear, “Keep slaying these hoes.”
The Rock! “You know, Situation,” he boomed in that famous voice as he wrapped me in a bear hug, “America loves you. You branded yourself, and no one taught you how to do it. I’m impressed, my man.”
The Rock was one of my idols. He had no way of knowing it, but The Situation character was modeled after him. I had emulated his wrestling persona when developing my over-the-top, exaggerated on-screen character, and now he was seeking me out to shake my hand.
was now taking ten thirty-milligram Oxys at a time, three times a day. Enough
On the show, it often looked like I was drinking, but that cocktail in my hand was really just a prop. In reality, I was intoxicated on everything else.
trying to escape a nonexistent threat that I had determined was a van of Hasidic Jews we had previously passed. I had convinced myself they were actually hitmen.
It was my regular morning routine whenever I was home: hit up the neighborhood bagel shop for my coffee, lemon Gatorade, and a bacon, egg, and cheese on everything bagel with salt, pepper, and ketchup.
The naysayers were fucking with the wrong man. They didn’t know the type of heart I had. I wasn’t going to give up on myself.
But that’s what happened to Billy McFarland, the Fyre Festival guy. I remember the day he arrived at Otisville, the guys put cheese sandwiches on his bunk as a joke. You know, the same food he supposedly fed the people at the faux music festival he put on in the Bahamas, which is what landed him in prison for fraud. He laughed the joke off, not that he had much choice.
He didn’t last in Otisville long. Billy was caught with a USB drive, which was contraband, and sent to solitary in the SHU for like three months before getting transferred to another prison. Billy said the drive was to record notes for his book, but the whispers were that he was trying to secretly record other prisoners. Allegedly, of course.
The guy who had hacked Jennifer Lawrence’s nudies was also in there. George was a nice kid who’d made some mistakes, like everyone else. We used to play Scrabble together.
The same groups who took me in—the Russians and Italians—also befriended Mike Cohen. While known as a facility for high-profile prisoners, Otisville was also a destination for Jewish prisoners because there was a kosher kitchen. Mike would often get a kosher meal, then take his tray to my table to eat lunch and dinner. We sat together for every meal, talking about life and politics and all the other things bored, notorious men talk about while being held against their will. He made it clear he was no longer a fan of Mr. Trump while also giving me advice on things like writing a book.
But Michael Cohen and I got along well, and I heard he even mentioned me in his book, saying I was the most positive guy he’d ever been around.
