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“I’ve never wanted someone as much as I want you.”
He leans forward and lines himself up with my entrance. “I’ll tell you a secret: once is never going to be enough. I’m going to think about you every goddamn night until the day I die.”
Have fun tonight, Lace. You deserve to smile more,” Maggie says. “If Shawn is the one that makes you happy, that’s fine by me.”
I blow out a breath and wring my hands together. “Sometimes I’m busy taking care of other people, and it’s hard to put myself first,” I admit, and it’s scary to be so honest with him. “Maybe we can work on that, yeah?” Shawn asks. He touches my cheek, and I nestle into the warmth of his palm. “If your day is busy, let me know. I can easily order you something. I’m going to take care of you, remember?” “Okay. I can do that,” I whisper.
“Thank you. I know you’re fiercely independent, which is a trait I love about you. You can fight your own demons and slay your own dragons, but I’m here, too. I just want to make sure you’re fed and maybe hold your hand every now and then along the way when the going gets tough, okay?”
I think it’s because accepting help isn’t easy for me, and Shawn is so nice. He’s not overbearing or controlling, and
knowing he’s picked me to be the one to take care of makes me feel adored in a way I’ve never been before. He doesn’t think I’m weak or incapable of doing things on my own. He’s offering a hand to make sure I don’t go under the water for too long, and it’s the kindest thing anyone’s ever done for me.
“Your hair, for the record, looks perfect. You look perfect.” “Oh.” I exhale softly, and the blush on my face deepens. “Thank you.”
Fake, my brain screams. This is all an act.
Then why does it feel so real when he kisses the top of my head and leads me past a group of photographers, ignoring the flashes of their cameras because he’s too busy looking at me?
“I’m a woman who makes two hundred thousand dollars a year. I’m smart and I’m successful. I don’t have time for boys who don’t see my worth and expect me to change to fit their needs.”
“Good for you for recognizing your worth. The dudes that say that stuff to you get off on belittling women. It’s not a good look, and we’re not all like that. I promise. You deserved to be valued, Lacey, because you’re a fucking diamond.”
I am safe with her. Lacey makes me want to be myself—I don’t have to throw up a tough facade or pretend I’m someone I’m not. I can show the vulnerable parts of a man who’s still working on himself and trying to break the stereotypes associated with being an athlete.
“Really, though,” I whisper in her ear. “I’m lucky to have you in my life, Lacey girl. Thank you for being my friend. Thank you for seeing me. You make me happy.”
“You make me happy too, Shawn. I’m always going to see you, even when you have trouble seeing yourself. In your dark moments, I’ll be there. Don’t ever forget that.”
“I want to watch you, too. Can I watch you come?” I ask. “You can have whatever you want. We can get off together.”
“That was fun.” I bring my legs to my chest and rest my chin on my knees. “I like being your friend.” He laughs. “You’re the best friend I’ve ever had. Sexiest, too.” “What? You don’t get off with your friends on the phone all the time?” “I’ve certainly never done that with Aiden. There’s a first time for everything.”
There’s no way I’m falling for my best friend. If anything, it’s just a silly crush. Post-orgasm affection toward the guy giving me attention. There aren’t any actual feelings involved.
How his eyes always find mine and the way his smile pulls up in the corners when he catches me watching him. I don’t hide it anymore. He knows I’m looking at him because he’s busy looking at me, too. I just don’t know what it all means. Do I like him? Or is it just the attention I like, the first time I’ve let a man get close to me in years?
I never used to feel a swoop in my belly when Shawn touched my shoulder, but now I do. I never used to lie in bed and stare at the ceiling, wondering what he was thinking about and hoping he missed me like I missed him. And I do miss him when he’s not here; I miss his laugh and how his nose scrunches when he smiles. I miss his voice low in my ear and his hands in mine.
I especially miss his gentle heart, that one that sent food to my office yesterday and today. I teared up in the bathroom after the delivery driver dropped off a big paper bag, overwhelmed with the recognition that someone out there cares about me v...
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To be seen. “You know I see you, right?” I ask him, because I want him to be sure. I scoot across the couch until the scent of his cologne and shampoo tickles my nose. “Not just as the football coach. I see all of you, and gosh, I like what’s there. I always have. When this ends, I’m still going to see you, Shawn. The real, full you is one of the most marvelous
things I’ve ever gotten to experience, and I feel lucky that we met all those months ago.”
The rest of the night is lighter with lots of laughter, but I can’t stop thinking about what Shawn said. I do deserve someone who knows my worth, and the more I look at him, the more I think the person who can treat me like that has been right in front of me all along.
“Yeah.” I nod and rest my head in the crook of his neck. “I remember.” “You look like a goddess,” he says in my ear, and his teeth nip at my shoulder. “You make me want to lose control.” “You can, if you want.” I close my eyes and arch my back. “I’d let you.” “It would make this more than one time between us.” “Yeah, but we’ve kissed since then. We can be friends who kiss.” I take his hand in mine and trail his touch down my neck. I settle his palm at the top of my chest, and his fingers fan out across my breast. He makes a strangled sound from the back of his throat, and my lips curl into a
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I’ve tried to stay away from you, Lacey girl, but it’s damn near impossible.” “What do you want, Shawn?” I ask, and I kiss the spot on his throat I know he likes. “Am I not making it obvious enough? I want you,” he answers, and my world stops spinning. “Badly.”
“You have me,” I say, and he bunches my dress at my waist.
I peek a glance at him as I walk to the bathroom, and he’s watching me with soft eyes and the biggest grin. I give him a matching smile in return because I’m happy too, I realize. Shawn makes me happy. When I’m with him, I feel like I can fly.
“Before you all start spending your money, I want to add one last thing,” I say, and the noise quiets. “There are a lot of people in this room who have done incredible things. I want to take a minute to recognize my girlfriend, Lacey Daniels, who also happens to be my best friend. She’s a pediatrician, and I see how hard she works. Some of her afternoons are so busy, she can’t even stop for lunch. But she shows up every day with a smile on her face, ready to do good and help out the kids in our community. She’s unbelievably smart, and she’s damn near perfect at her job. Thank you for letting
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It’s getting harder and harder to stay away from her. Harder and harder to keep my hands to myself and behave in front of our friends. Harder and harder to distinguish what’s real and what’s pretend between us. “Will you come back to my place after?” Lacey asks, and I squeeze her palm. “You know the answer to that question, sweetheart.”
“Was it scary to let Aiden in like that?” I ask. “To be vulnerable with him?”
Of course it was scary. It’s fucking terrifying to let your guard down. We live in a world where everyone expects to see the best versions of you. And then you come out of the woodwork and say, surprise! I’m divorced and infertile, and they all kind of look at you like you have two heads because suddenly you’re not perfect and put together. But the right person will
still think you’re perfect. Two broken halves are still a whole.”
“Fuck the credentials,” I yell as Jett leads Shawn to a tent on the sidelines. I can’t see him anymore, and my panic rises.“That is the man I care about and he is not alright. Let me go, or I will get over there however I can.”
“I don’t give a fuck what you’re allowed to do,” he snaps. “That’s her boyfriend, and he needs her. You can take it up with him after the game if you want, and I’ll pay the fine. Let her through.”
“I’m sorry,” is the first thing he says, and I shake my head.
“We’re not going to do that,” I say softly. “Do you remember what I told you when you
came to my apartment after your first loss of the season? I said you don’t have to be perfect...
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“You’re a safe space for me,” he mumbles, so quietly I barely hear him. It hangs there in the air, weighty and heavy, before he continues. “Just like these other parts of my life I associate as somewhere I ca...
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“That’s how I feel about you, too.” I rest my chin on his shoulder and sigh. “It’s lovely to have a place that feels so nice, isn...
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“You feel more like home to me every day.”
“Sometimes I wish all the people in the comment sections on social media who tell me it must be so easy to be an athlete could be really rich for a day. They’d see money isn’t everything. Even the greatest athletes can be unhappy.”
This woman saved me tonight, and I’m starting to wonder if she wasn’t put in my life by accident but for a very specific reason. To be mine until the end of time.
That’s exactly what Lacey does for me; she reminds me life isn’t always an uphill climb. Eventually the hard things get easy, a steady descent I can take at my own pace.
We all agree that we want to normalize being not okay sometimes.” He pops the last bite of dessert in his mouth and dusts off his hands. “I guess that’s life, isn’t it? We’re all just trying to figure it out.”
“We can keep pretending we’re just fuck buddies, Lacey, but you’re wearing my shirt with nothing underneath it. What about this feels fake to you?”
Nothing, I want to yell.
“Careful, Lacey. You keep saying things like that, and I’m never going to let you go.”
Good, I think. Don’t.
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about him since he came over to my apartment two nights ago and bent me over the couch. Since he asked me what about our arrangement
