This Used to Be Us

by Renee Carlino

I love everything about her: the way she sees the world, the language she uses to describe things and feelings, her kindness, her quirkiness, her energy, her exaggerations…everything! I want to marry her and I need to tell her I love her.

He’s existed in some alternate universe ever since. It’s a place where there is no love and therefore no chance to lose it.

He cared. Nothing lasts forever, I guess. —

“Alex, I want you to be proud of me…and proud to be with me. I want you to be fascinated by me, and by my brain, like you used to be. Enchanted by who I am, captivated by how I see the world, mystified by how someone like me can exist and by how you are the one who gets to hold me in your arms. I want you to be enamored, Alex! Even if it’s not true—I want you to pretend it is…and I want to believe the lie.”

“None of those other places felt real because I knew I wouldn’t have anyone to share the memory with.”

Is this what being single is like? You go out with someone multiple times, think you have a connection, spend several consecutives Sundays with that person playing house, and then they disappear and behave as though you don’t exist? In this moment I feel expendable…easily replaced. Casual dating is only a temporary reprieve from our feelings of low self-worth. When reality sets in and the commitment is nowhere to be found, our self-worth plumets to an even darker depth of misery than before.

“You definitely look good, but that’s not really the point. I’m worried about you getting hurt, that’s all.” “He, like, really likes me.” “He, like, really likes cheeseburgers and puppies and sunshine. The guy likes everything. He’s a happy-go-lucky, noncommittal man-child. You are a relationship addict and this was easy because you knew him. He’s not looking at this the way you are.”

“Because I’m in love with your brain, Dani. I actually really like you, which I think is just as important as loving you. You’re funny and clever, smart, kind…loving. You’re good at loving me and Noah. Truly, I think you have a rare gift for making people feel loved. You’re exceptional at it.”

“That’s not all I want for the boys though. What I really want is for them to know how to love, like really love. There’s happiness in it, I think. That’s what I care about. Their happiness.” “You think love equals happiness?” he says. “No. I think the act of loving does, the skill, the ability in it—practicing and refining it…you know?”

“You don’t have to keep up, you just have to stay in the right place. A place where I can always find you. That’s what home is.”

“I know for sure that loving your people well will make your life better, but you have to practice it every day. It’s a skill to refine…a craft to perfect.