One More Thing: Stories and Other Stories

by B.J. Novak

“Hey, what do you think would happen if I raced that tortoise again? Ya think I’d win this time? Or do you think pride would get the better of me all over again?”

Never, in the history of competition—athletic or otherwise, human or otherwise, mythical or otherwise—has anyone ever kicked anyone’s ass by the order of magnitude that the hare kicked the ass of that goddamn fucking tortoise that afternoon.

slow and steady wins the race, till truth and talent claim their place.

I think it’s better to not know certain things. It gives the world an extra bit of mystery, which is important to us as human beings.

Tim and Lynn walked through the streets of heaven at sunset. A breeze blew through the pink-and-purple air. Dogs barked, birds sang. Children with old souls finally laughed lightly.

Well, about damned time!

“It’s funny, isn’t it?” said Nana. “You have infinite time here, and there are infinite things to do, but you still don’t end up doing much of it. You do what you love most, over and over.”

The harm, besides those hours that actually do matter when you barely have one night off every couple of weeks, is the little mark you get on you every time you open up a door to a hope and then close it fast in disappointment. It leaves a nick, or a dent, and those nicks and dents are not invisible. I used to see them all the time.

There’s always going to be one more thing. Because that’s what infinite feels like. And the difference between love and everything else is that it’s infinite, it’s built out of something infinite, or it feels like it is, anyway, which is the same thing to us.

When we can say anything, what do we say? When we can feel anything, what do we feel? When we can share anything, what do we share?

He said: “Well, you know what tomorrow is?” I said, yes, November 24th. He said, “No, tomorrow is the first day of the rest of your life.” And everyone said, “Awwww” and I was like Are you kidding me?! Do you know how long it took me to get people to stop talking like that?

Peevishly responded the inventor of the calendar.

“What about the other people in the car with you?” asked 9. “We’re supposed to be doing this ride together or it’s not as much fun.” “ ‘Supposed to’?” exploded 1. “Were there rules to this ride that I missed? What do I owe to any of you? Sorry, but I never asked to be on a ride with you. I just showed up and you were here. Who says I have to like it? You liked it, and that’s great. But I didn’t. So what? Can’t you respect that?”

Discussion among a focus group rating the roller coaster of life.

People—even good, impressive people—always want something simple and unimpressive. Everything good and impressive that they do in their lives is a result of the impressive path they take to get what they want—not a result of wanting an impressive thing.

“Fate, to me, simply means that all the billions of microscopic actions we can’t calculate lead to consequences that feel right because they are right. They fit, they follow. We can’t see and understand all the causes behind everything, but I think it’s more magical to accept that they’re there than it is to believe that they’re not, and that something called ‘fate’ is filling all that space instead.

“Yes! I want to be a great writer! I want to be a legend!” “Damn right. We’re both going to be legends. Kerouac, Burroughs, Bukowski—they probably stole all kinds of stuff.”

See below. (cf. unclear on the concept)

Neither of them ever got anything published. In fact, those who read their writing went so far as to say that they misunderstood literature on an unusually fundamental level. But after a few years, they got to be pretty good thieves.

Parking meters, banks, vending machines, etc.

If you love something, let it go. If you don’t love something, definitely let it go. Basically, just drop everything, who cares.

The classic "Oh, Fuck It" Philosophy.

What did “nothing” mean? Who had nominated it, and how did it make it all the way to the finals on its first time? When love did inevitably win in the end, what would it mean to have “nothing” in second place? Maybe it would enhance the victory for love by placing more distance between love and everything else: “nothing even comes close to love”? Or would it mean that love was only “better than nothing”?

“Hey. I thought that you said ‘constructive criticism.’ ” “Yeah!” said Don Junior. “I was criticizing your construction.” “That’s, no. That’s … I guess, that would be ‘construction criticism.’ ” “What’s ‘con-struct-ive criti-cism’?” asked Don Junior. “ ‘Constructive criticism’ is when you give criticism when the person still has time to make it better. It’s meant to be helpful, not hurtful.”

It’s not always enough to be brave, I realized years later. You have to be brave and contribute something positive, too. Brave on its own is just a party trick.