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“Just to be clear, even though we’re friends, I still hate you.” He chuckled. “I’d actually be worried if you didn’t hate me anymore. It’s kind of our thing. You love to hate me, and I just kind of love to be within your orbit as you do so.”
“Peas,” he said. My least favorite vegetable. “Harper,” he whispered. My middle name. His smile stretched, and his dimples deepened as his hand rubbed the back of his neck. “And midnight blue.”
“What is it?” “Nothing,” he said, falling back to his pillow. “I’m just trying to figure it out.” “Figure what out?” “How I lived all these years without you.”
How did you get through it?” “I found my beams.” “Your beams? What does that mean?” “My therapist told me that when I was going through my darkest moments. She told me to look for my sunbeams.
“The sunbeams are the small bursts of light that break through one’s window of depression.
“I missed you.” “Don’t say that.” “Too real?” I nodded. “Too real.” “I missed you,” he repeated. Heart skips and butterflies.
“I just said don’t say that to me.” “I wasn’t talking to you,”
“I was talking to her.”
“I missed you.” “Talking to her again?” I joked. He shook his head. “No. Not this time. Night, Coach.”
Everything about Avery drove me wild in the best of ways. That woman did things to my mind—and
“And Avery?” “Yes?” “If you ever need to pour out your heart again, please pour it onto me.”
“Avery.” “Yes?” “Your keys are in your hands.” “Right. Yes. Okay.” “Take a deep breath, Auntie. You’re gonna do great. Tell them I said congratulations.”
“We’re having a baby!” We’re. I knew she wasn’t talking about her and me, but then again…I didn’t hate the idea.
“You’re such a simp.” “Simp?” I kissed her again. “Learning some slang words from your students?” “Yup.” “And what exactly is a simp?” “I googled it. It’s a person who’s perceived as overly submissive or even desperate for the attention or affection of someone without receiving anything in return.”
“I am such a simp for you, Avery Kingsley.”
“You did miss me, didn’t you, Coach?” I growled against her ear, holding her closer to my body, feeling my heart race faster as she bounced up and down against me. “Because you’re riding me like you did.”
“You’re so fucking scared of being left that you are trying to run before that could happen again, and I get it. I fucking get it, but I’m not Wesley, Avery, and I’m not that fucked-up, scared kid that I was when I left before. I’m here. I’m solid,”
“I’m not leaving. So you can either be scared with me, and we work through this together, or you’ll have to be the one to walk because you don’t get to rewrite this story.
“What happened to heart over head?” “I realized that was a stupid way to live,”
“Congratulations, Avery, you did it. You pushed me away. You can have your life, and I’ll go on with mine. But just so you know, all I wanted—all I’ve ever wanted—was for this. For us. I just wanted another chance to love you.”
Her damn stubbornness was going to be the death of me.
“How the hell are you all right?”
“How are you acting like everything’s all fine and dandy when I’m sitting here fucking broken?”
“I don’t want to let you go. Not again. I’m trying to love you, Avery.”
Because that was how our two hearts worked—when hers broke, mine shattered.
“Which is why I pushed him away. I can’t have him give up his dreams because of me. This is for the best,” I said. “He’ll go to Prest and become an amazing coach, and I’ll stay here. Everything will go back to normal. I’ll coach at the high school, and I’ll return to my life as if nothing happened between Nathan and me.”
“That’s the thing about our past…it doesn’t have to shape our future,” Nathan expressed. “I’m not who I was yesterday, though. I’m not embarrassed by my past mistakes. Those missteps led me here.” He glanced over at me, and a small smile appeared before he looked back at the interviewer. “And I would walk every broken road twice over if it led me back to this.”
‘Grief is just love with no place to go.’
And I felt that deeply. Yet then I realized that the gift of grief is that there are still other types of love that surround you.
I wished I could understand that messy brain of hers and help her shift through her files. But she was there, in front of me… I could tell she was scared, but still, she showed up.
“I’m glad you’re here, Coach, but there’s going to have to be a few new ground rules to the OSS.”
“Rule number one,” I said, getting into the pitching position. “You can’t run away just because you get scared.”
“Rule number two,” I said, grabbing another ball. “We have semimonthly meetings out here on the field. No breaking that rule.”
“Rule number three, we find reasons to laugh. Even when it feels hard.”
“How are you so…so…good?” she asked. “I’ve been awful toward you.” “Shame kink,”
“Just be my friend, Coach. I don’t need anything else. All I need is for you to feel better. All I care about is you walking down that path of healing, and all I want to do is walk that path right there beside you. If that means we are only friends, then that’s more than enough for me.”
In June, we met on the baseball diamond twice a month for our OSS meetings. We caught up on things, and Avery mentioned the bad reality shows she was watching. I started watching them, too, so I’d have even more to discuss with her the next few times we’d spoken.
“Because sometimes in life, we get triggered by the idea of letting someone else read our books, having someone else see our messy, dark chapters. Love only triggers us more. Sometimes we believe it’s easier to shut said book and mark it as a ‘did not finish’ instead of moving through the hard chapters toward the happily ever after. This is because we fear losing said love. But this Nathan, do you think he liked what he read of you?”
I didn’t know falling in love was a repeated action. I used to think it happened once and then it was locked in. But it was clear to me now that the falling never ceased. I was in a free fall, tumbling down more and more for the woman in front of me. When it came to my love for her, I’d hope I’d never touch solid ground.
“You didn’t have to get me a gift,” I said. “To be fair, half of the gift is mine,”
“Best Friends necklaces?” “Yup,” he said, picking up one of the necklaces that said “Best” on it. “Figured we could each wear one to highlight this beautiful union.”
“You’re so freaking ridiculous,” I told him. “Don’t shame me, Coach,” he teased. “I’m not trying to cross those friendship boundaries with you tonight.”
“Hey, Mustard.” “Hey, Ketchup. Red looks good on you. Brings out your eyes,” I joked. Evan rolled his eyes. “Fuck, you’re corny. I need air.”
“Remember when I lived with you and we had a conversation about happiness versus contentment?” “Yeah. I recall.” “You said that when people are in love, being content wasn’t good enough. You said there needed to be a word to express the meaning behind that kind of love. Well, I figured out the word that encompasses what love is and that full feeling. The feeling that fills you up from your head to your toes. That feeling of a nature high, where all hurts stop hurting and joy exists tenfold. I know what the word for that is.” “What is it?” “You.”
“Coach, don’t come in here on Christmas Eve and play with my emotions. Because it’s getting a lot harder for me not to wrap my arms around you every fucking day.”
I’m scared of being abandoned. I’m scared of being alone. Which is ironic because I self-sabotage and push everyone away in order to avoid being left behind, which ends up leaving me alone. I’m grumpy and don’t smile enough. I pick fights that don’t need to be picked. I get it. I know I’m hard to love, okay? I know I’m a mess and all over the place, and I’m just learning how not to be all these things, but I can’t let this year go by without telling you how I feel.
“I love you, Nathan. I love everything about you. I love your heart and how gentle it is. I love how you are patient. I love how you laugh. I love how you push my buttons. I love how you listen. I love how you see all our guys on the team as individuals. I love that you take extra time to serve them. And I love how easy you make it to fall for you. I love you, Nathan. I love you so much that it scares me, but I don’t want to waste another day not loving you out loud.”
“Avery…” I took her hands in mine and kissed each palm before holding them to my chest. “You don’t have to be perfect to be loved by me.”
All I’m waiting to hear from you is when it’s our time to try again. I’m here. I’ve been here this whole time. I’m waiting in the dugout. Just call me out, Coach, and I’m yours. Give me a sign, and it’s game on.”
Avery Kingsley was my best friend. My partner. My greatest grand slam. With her around, my world would never again become too dark. She was, and always would be, my very favorite sunbeam.
