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that was the thing about love—it didn’t follow timelines. It showed up when people least expected it.
It was my safe place in a world that sometimes felt so heavy. It was my return to self after months of living in shadows.
People’s hearts didn’t harden by choice. They hardened due to traumatic inflictions of pain caused by others.
Depression was an uninvited guest to my soul, and it had thrown a shroud over my will, leaving me paralyzed in the sanctuary of my bed.
I wasn’t good enough. “No,” I murmured, knowing those thoughts were not my own. It was the depression seeping in, feeding me with its devilish lies—lies I was trying my hardest to fight.
That was the quickest way to knock me out of my darkness. I’d focus on other people’s issues and put mine on the back burner.
I didn’t have time to be sad. I was needed by others.
That was my job as an older sister, after all. To be altogether for others so they felt safe enough to fall apart.
I’d always steady myself for my sisters.
shut my eyes and took in a few deep inhales. Each one was a reminder that I was still here, I was still breathing, and I could still go on.
Besides, I’d be fine. I’d always be fine. Being fine was my default setting.
I like to think we aren’t our best or worst moments. We are the moments in-between.”
Still, the thought of facing another day, of going through the motions in a world that felt so vibrantly alive while I felt so irrationally tired inside, felt overwhelming. I wish I could be better.
I felt invisible to the world, and I couldn’t help but think that even my partner couldn’t see the hurt within me.
“Because sometimes love feels so big in my chest that it leaks from my eyes.”
“Everything’s always all right. Even when the voices in our heads tell us differently.”
I don’t think anyone truly knows. We just hope. We hope and take the risk.”
“Well, I have a home. So if I have a home, you have a home. If you need one, I mean.”
Yet that was the thing about choices. We’d made the best ones we thought possible when we were dealing with the different traumas at hand.
The thing about one’s heart was that it felt so deeply, even if the brain told it to shut off.
“No. I’m the strong one, remember? No one worries about the strong one. The strong one worries about everyone else. We take care of others. We don’t get taken care of.”
but that was the issue with holding so much in for so very long. Once the walls began to crack, a deluge was released, and there was no turning back. I had to feel everything, even if I didn’t want to do so.
It wasn’t fair that mamas could die. Their daughters still needed them so very much, no matter how much we grew up.
“Go where you’re loved, baby girl, and never stay a second longer when the love is removed.”
“Yeah, but baby girl, asking for help doesn’t make you weak. Sometimes asking for help is the strongest thing a person could ever do.”
Goodbyes felt harder when they were one-sided.
“That’s the thing about life—we aren’t promised forever. Even if we hope for it.”
there is always room in us for a little more love, no matter how much loss we’ve experienced.”
“Oldest Sibling Syndrome.”
you are extremely reliable and find yourself responsible for your siblings. Almost as if they are your own kids, seeing how you helped raise them.”
“You are overly protective over your family and go out of your way to make sure everyone’s okay. You’re a workaholic. You put your own wants and needs on the back burner in order to make sure everyone else is good. You let your dreams sit on the sidelines if it makes sure others are happier.”
“You suffer from a hyper-independence, which seems like a good thing, but it’s not.”
“It’s actually a trauma response because you feel like you can’t rely on others, seeing how it was always your job to be the reliable source.”
But I don’t strive for happiness. It’s a temporary, fleeting thing.”
Happiness is fleeting. Contentment is stable and solid throughout life.”
“What’s that?” “Hyper-independence and a fear of intimacy. A classic case of Older Sibling Syndrome. You think that no one will be able to love you on a deep level because you haven’t even managed to love yourself on said deep level, and you have a fear of letting go of the reins in your life, because you don’t trust others to guide you.”
“Losing a parent always comes with a level of guilt. Even when you’re young.”
no child has the same parent. Each one experiences their parents in a different light based on personalities, the time period, and the situations at hand.
“It’s not your responsibility to parent your parents. It’s your job to be a kid as long as possible.”
There’s always hope if we’re still breathing.”
If I knew anything about healing, it was the fact that sometimes one had to fall apart before they could fall back together again.
Condolences didn’t do much at the end of the day. They didn’t bring back the ones who were lost. They didn’t heal the cracks within one’s spirit.
“Being human is complex, and sometimes we fall off our tracks. He deserved another shot.”
“Because how can you love me when I don’t even know how to love myself?”
“I didn’t say it was easy. I just said you had to keep trying,”
Sometimes they just need someone in their corner.”
Just keep making her feel seen.
“That’s the thing about our past…it doesn’t have to shape our future,”
“The opposite of love is indifference.
The feeling of emptiness. That’s what the opposite of love is.
