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I’d gotten so good at getting others to talk about themselves that I’d become excellent at living in the shadows.
When they tell you that there are plenty of fish in the sea, they forget to mention that half of marine life is boring, scaly and a part of an identical school of thousands just like him.
For a few minutes, sometimes even for a few days, I could pretend that I was someone different. I could let go of the chains that shackled me to the earth and disappear into a marvelous something.
the dangers of being groomed into a life beyond your control weren’t something I wished on anyone.
“Well, it doesn’t look like you’re working right now. And if you wait for someone else to define your life, you’ll never go anywhere or do anything,”
People like to comfort themselves by believing the scary things are out in the world. It keeps them from living. It’s often the danger out your front door that blinds you.”
craved nothingness, and every noise infringed on my need for reprieve.
“Your master makes such a fuss about free will but sends out his little slaves to make more little slaves and have newborns undergo ceremonies, or splash some water or sign life-debt contracts for him long before they know their own name. She’s made no such dedication.”
“Pain builds character.
Life is full of firsts. The first encounter with the room going quiet upon your arrival is something you never forget.
The hot and cold desperation to please my parents, the unrelenting torment at school, the despair that no matter how I tried, I was always one imperfection, one sin, one shortcoming away from crossing through the Pearly Gates. I broke God’s heart time and time again, so my mother said, and He wasn’t the only one. Anguishing waves of disappointment from the way my mother looked at me, the sneers at school, and the disgust in the faces of the church elders—men who’d once rebuked a frightened little girl for seeing unclean spirits in the form of a white fox—made me feel like I was suffocating day
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She didn’t even notice I’d been crying. The woman had no sympathy.
I’d been born into a house on fire, but through cautious steps, I’d learned to manage the source of the flames.
“The first eighteen years of my life revolved around whether or not I was disappointing God. Every action, every move, every thought hinged on me saying or doing or thinking the right thing. Every decision I made was rooted in terror that a deity might be angry with me, or that I was letting him down, or that he’d be mad. As if I didn’t already have enough mental illnesses before we factored in the shame and judgment…
“No one considers what’s spelled out there in the verse. If no other gods can come before him, he confirms the existence of other gods.
“People have seen my value for what I can do for them. My parents saw me as an extension of them—a chance to do better where they’d failed. When I was an escort, my value was as an accessory. I was professional arm candy. One who could keep a conversation going, who could read moods, who could offer an experience so that someone might get to feel that high of dating and lust for a night. Now that I’m successful, so many people see me as a sort of feather in their cap.
“Being sane is so boring. All the coolest people are crazy.”
“If someone adores you for your chaos, what’s the best way to honor that love? If they treasure your rootlessness, if they celebrate your anarchy, if they love you as you are, do you think they’d be dancing in the streets if you gave up the very essence at the core of your being that made them fall for you?”
Raised in a state of hyper-awareness given the quickness of parental mood swings, I was extremely perceptive to every shift in energy, every micro-expression, every twitch of the eye or tightening of the mouth. Through trial and error, I learned both through meeting clients and from the appraising eyes of the hostesses that they felt one way about the golds, the prints, the brands and another way entirely about classic neutrals and clean lines. One look screamed new money, and the other whispered old.
All I wanted was what I’d been denied—a life without worrying about bills, a life where I could stay in my pajamas and order sushi, where I could sleep peacefully, where I could breathe without debt sitting on my chest like the fabled sleep paralysis demon.
“If you wouldn’t burn the world to the ground for the one you love, are you even in love?”
women jump through hoops to have their humanity acknowledged.
that you understand the world around you so innately that you can put on whatever mask you need for whoever you meet. It takes incredible empathy, awareness, and psychology
I’d spent eighteen years in a physically and emotionally abusive household, rarely granted compassion. I’d rejected the only companionship that had been consistent in my life until it was too late. And when we had each other at long last, the first thing I’d done was fuck it
sunflowers turn to face each other when there’s no sun in the sky?” She
