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I stared down the barrel of the lesser of two evils: the flesh-and-blood disappointment of a human man, or a life trapped in my imagination with a fictional lover.
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It would be nice to love and be loved. It would be really goddamn pleasant to have someone else make the coffee while I slept in. I wanted to wake up with someone beside me, to watch Fire and Swords while cuddled on the couch and to have a built-in guardian to babysit a chinchilla if I needed to be away for a few days. But though I continued to put myself out there, my heart wasn’t open to falling in love.
I sent her an emoji with a wink and a kiss. EG responded with a middle finger, an eggplant, a fist, and three droplets of water.
“I drink to forget the fucked-up shit I imagine at home. I don’t have friends because I just want to be here. I cancel on plans, bail on dates, rush out because there’s something better for me in the dark. I refuse to live with anyone in case you visit. I hook up with strangers to try to pound out the memory of how it feels when you…” My voice had broken. “You’re not real. I can’t keep playing this game. I need to get help. I can’t be like my mom…like my grandma… I can’t do this. I’m never going to be able to move forward with my life if I keep living in this fantasy.”
“Group sex is not freaky. You’re just boring.”
“You’ve told me before, and I know I need to listen, even if you’re one hell of a habit to break. A life with me isn’t what you want. I’m sorry I couldn’t be there for you in the way that you needed me.”
The sex work? We know about that, peanut. Congratulations, by the way. There isn’t a deity alive who doesn’t use sex as a form of worship—oh, no, I’m wrong. Silas’s owner has very particular ideas about sex. I wonder if that’s why all of his angels have sticks up their asses. They need to get laid.”
“Of course, your best friend is an ex. I love queer culture.”
Names, commands, promises…they have power that those of us having a mortal experience don’t understand. Humans aren’t like fae, sweet one. We can lie. We can break our word. We don’t need consent. Some suggest that the human kingdom is the true hell, and I often wonder if they’re right.”
Waking up next to someone you loved, making them coffee, watching the sleepiness tumble from their eyes as they rubbed away their dreams with loose fists, it was an intimacy I didn’t even realize I was lacking.
“It’s offensive for anyone to look that good when they wake up. Fuck you.” “You should!” she said, merry despite her grogginess. “I’m fantastic in bed.”
I stripped free of my things and allowed the auditory erotica to wash over me with drenching intensity. Az would have soaked anyone’s panties, but hearing him unleash himself was a memory I’d have to tuck into the back of my memory for lonely nights. The hedonistic music of their ravishing carried from their room into mine. The banging headboard created an excellent bass for the high, rhythmic sound of slapping flesh against flesh. It set the perfect tempo for the circular stroke of fingers after my hand wandered south. My right hand moved in company with their sounds, my left working my
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“If someone adores you for your chaos, what’s the best way to honor that love? If they treasure your rootlessness, if they celebrate your anarchy, if they love you as you are, do you think they’d be dancing in the streets if you gave up the very essence at the core of your being that made them fall for you?”
“That’s the blessing and curse of mortality, isn’t it. Your life is short, so you’re allowed to live it with little rhyme or reason. You can pay penance in your next life, or the one after that. When you live forever…” He looked out the window, gaze unfocusing as he regarded the blacks and grays, stone and steel, glass and iron of his city. Clouds continued to roll until they’d become bottom-heavy thunderheads. “You can’t say things you don’t mean. Words have consequences.”
understood a nymph’s incentive to champion the free the titties movement, but I wasn’t sure unbound D cups were the most suitable attire for seeking an audience with an angel.
She pouted, looking over her shoulder at the ultimate loss in the battle between Heaven and Hell: her sex life.
Besides, I never wanted to bring a life into the world who would have to go through the rejection, the cold nights, the spankings, the torn clothes, the jeers, the punishments, the pain I’d gone through. Society didn’t need someone new to kick.
“I don’t know the extent of her involvement,” Azrames said as he shrugged. “I’m not saying she’s going to strip down and ride your face while you’re getting railed—”

