Mortgage of Convenience

by Dani McLean

“First new rule of the house. No insults to intelligence. Say fuck as much as you want, but every time you call yourself stupid, idiot, dumb, etc., it’s five dollars in the jar.” “Five bucks? That’s extortion.” “All the more incentive to not say it.” It was a rule my mom used in our house, mostly because I had a bad habit of kicking myself when I failed a test, and I’m living proof that it worked. Positive reinforcement has nothing on capitalism when it comes to changing behaviors.

I slip the pen from her fingers and write perfect doesn’t exist on the wall. Bee’s jaw drops open, and she doesn’t move, even as I return the pen to her. “If you want to practice public speaking, there’s a course at the community college. But if you want me to show you how to be comfortable as yourself, middle finger to the air? Then it’s going to take open communication and a little of your volcanic energy. I’m not the one who moved across the country.”

I’ve done my time discovering who I am and learning how good it feels to own it, sometimes with a finger in the air. There is joy in living loud. It’s about knowing who you are and being the first to love yourself unconditionally.

I shrug, feigning nonchalance. I’ve never been nonchalant a day in my life. I was born chalant. Might as well call me the surface of the sun, because there is no chill here.

“My dad always said that there’s a lot of love buried in worry, but sometimes it’s so deep down the person we’re concerned about can’t feel it.”

“I can’t comment on your exact situation because I don’t know your friend, but I can say this—we meet some people at the exact moment we need to, but that doesn’t mean they’ll be the right people to keep with us. Maybe what you needed from her as a friend fifteen years ago isn’t what you need anymore. It’s okay to evolve past the people in your life.”

“Why the hell didn’t you say anything sooner? You’ve pushed me on everything else.” “Loving you isn’t a challenge, Bee. I don’t want loving me to be one.” She melts, pulling me down into a fierce kiss. “It’s the furthest thing. Don’t ever think it is. Loving you is easy.”