On the Mountain

by Riley Hart

Sometimes it was scary how easy it was to fake it, to pretend you were happy and life was great. Most people didn’t take the time to look, not really, because if they did, they would see most of us were barely hanging on.

It was always so damn easy for people to judge others if they didn’t live the exact same way they did, to judge people for addiction or mental illness or, hell, the color of their skin or who they loved. I’d seen it a million times. I wasn’t surprised anymore.

I wanted to melt into him, wanted him to fuck me hard until I forgot who I was, until I was nothing but an extension of him. It was too much. It was a raw, obsessive way to feel about anyone, especially a man I didn’t know, but I’d always been broken inside, and maybe this was just another way.

No one gives a shit if a person takes insulin or high blood pressure meds, but as soon as we take something for mental health, they look down on us.

He was good at taking care of people. Those things must just come naturally to some. Even if they weren’t shown love, they still knew how to love others the way animals knew instinctually to protect their young.

“I like the way your laugh sounds,” Cyrus told me. “I appreciate your sharing it with me.”

All these pieces of me he was taking…I hadn’t known I had the ability to give.

“For someone who’s been alone for over ten years, you sure do know how to use your heart better than anyone I’ve ever known.”

“I love the way you smell.” His lips ghosted close to mine, but they didn’t touch me. I growled in response. “The way you feel. The way you make me feel. If I could, I would take away every bad memory you have and replace them with something good.”

“Being up here with you is the first time I’ve felt like there isn’t something wrong with me…which is strange because the things we do…most people don’t do them.” “We aren’t most people.”

“You.” “Me what?” “You give me you. Not just your ass. All of you. Your…feelings, your words, your smiles. You.”

“I love you,” I whispered, then held my breath. Crow released my fingers, confusion clear on his face. “Why?” “Because I was meant to love you. I exist to love you, to belong to you.”

“No one has ever been this nice to me. No one has ever made me feel like I matter. I’ve always been something people can throw away. I don’t know how to deserve this.” “You already do.” I’d told him last night. Cyrus gave me himself. That was all I needed. “She said you were her sun, but you’re mine too.”

Now I knew my salvation was the man in front of me, and it was beautiful and right and I would never let him go.

“I’ll find you,” he said. “You can’t hide from me, little lamb. I can smell you…smell how much you want me…the muskiness of your desire, the scent of sugar that always clings to your skin. I’m going to find you, and I’m going to fuck you.”

“Please, baby. Please,” he begged, and a snarl escaped my mouth. I hadn’t understood why anyone would want to be called that, but hearing it from him now, when he was beneath me, open and needy, it made me feel like the king of the jungle, the alpha, like I belonged to him the way Cyrus belonged to me.

He could take everything from me, and I would give it willingly, knew without a doubt that Cyrus would give me all of himself too. It wasn’t healthy. Even with my lack of knowledge of people I understood that, but I didn’t care.

Chosen had always said his purpose was the Lord and what the Lord chose for him to do, but Cyrus was my purpose. My redemption.

How, I wanted to ask him. How can you love someone as broken as me? But then maybe that was why he could—we’d both been dropped time and time again, cracks in our armor, little pieces of us breaking off, but somehow, together, we filled in each other’s imperfections. All my cracks and chips were sealed in by Crow, and his by me.

Being alive is so complicated. Feelings are complicated. That doesn’t mean you’re a bad person.”

“You are my sun too. My life was darkness until you gave me your light.”

“Look at me, little lamb. Look me in the eyes while you come on my cock and take what’s yours.”