On the Mountain

by Riley Hart

Sometimes it was scary how easy it was to fake it, to pretend you were happy and life was great. Most people didn’t take the time to look, not really, because if they did, they would see most of us were barely hanging on.

I felt trapped between this place of not wanting anyone to know my loneliness, but also feeling less that way if I knew others experienced it too.

“I’m sorry,” I found myself saying again, though I couldn’t say what I was apologizing for this time. Everything. Being me.

God, what was wrong with me? I was hurt because this man I didn’t know didn’t want me? That he’d stopped touching me?

hated that he was wiping away the evidence that I’d been inside him, that some of my cum would be washed away.

I liked to see him in my clothes, though, wanted his scent on them and for mine to seep into his pores so any man that neared him would smell me on Cyrus’s skin.

“It’s lonelier down there…than it could ever be up here.” Being around a large group of people didn’t make anyone less alone. This would always be my home. I would always belong to this mountain.

He was so gentle with me…when I knew he could be so hard. He’d nearly broken a man’s hand in front of me, and who knew what else he’d done, but with me, he was so incredibly gentle.

I don’t know what this is, don’t know how to do it. I don’t understand some of my thoughts…desires. It gets tangled up inside me.”

“I don’t have anything that matters to me. Nothing besides one small box of my mom’s things in my closet. I don’t care if I lose everything else. I’d start over like I’ve done a hundred other times. Don’t you get it, Crow? I. Am. Nothing.”

My nostrils flared. Hearing him speak about himself that way, knowing that he believed it… I might not know what this was between us, but he wasn’t nothing to me.

I craved him in ways I’d never craved anything in my life.

There was a heaviness to him, a sadness that seeped off Cyrus and into me. I felt it, felt weighed down, but it wasn’t all from him, was it? It was my pain too, at the thought of taking him back.

I wondered what I was doing, why I was moving myself in with this man I hardly knew, but it felt right in ways nothing in my life ever had.

All these pieces of me he was taking…I hadn’t known I had the ability to give. The short time we had known each other didn’t matter, only our connection did, the deep-rooted feeling inside me that said Cyrus belonged to me.

Cyrus sucked in his cheeks, savoring me. I could see how much he liked this, how much he wanted to be good for me, how it seemed to give him a sort of peace too.

I wanted him to swallow my cum, wanted to shoot it on his pretty face, every inch of his body, because he was mine and I wanted the evidence on him and in him.

He needed care, my little lamb. He needed to feel wanted and comforted, and something about me did that for him.

I picked up my book, opened again to the first page, and read to him while he sucked me. We sat like that for hours.

“I’ve never done that,” Cyrus said. “The cock-warming thing. I’ve fucked a lot of men, too many men, but I didn’t want them that way.”

I laughed. “Here I am, trying to be all deep, and you just want to beat your chest over the marks you put on me.”

“I want to take care of you. I don’t know why.” I chuckled. “Way to make a guy feel special.”

“I know what you meant. I was joking. I can take care of myself, though. I’ve been doing it most of my life.” “Yes, but now you’re mine,”

“For someone who’s been alone for over ten years, you sure do know how to use your heart better than anyone I’ve ever known.”

I started to walk away but didn’t make it far. Crow boxed me in, my back against the wall, his hard body against mine, his forearms braced on the wall so I couldn’t escape. “Because they’ll be yours. One day you’ll leave, and they’ll still be here. And when I look at them…”

My whole existence already felt completely wrapped up in Crow like this was always where I was supposed to be. It just took a lot of heartache for me to make it here.

I couldn’t look away from this man between my legs with his wild, hungry eyes, flowing hair, a thick beard, and my dick in his mouth.

Maybe it’s just…we get each other. Deep down to the bone, something about us is connected. I feel it, Crow.”

It’s not that easy. People like to throw stones at others for their choices, when most of the time, we’re just doing the best we can.”

“If you’ll let me, I’ll hold you and touch you every damn day.”

“I want to kiss you, Crow, but I won’t. One day I hope you’ll let me, but if not, that’s okay too.”

“The way you feel. The way you make me feel. If I could, I would take away every bad memory you have and replace them with something good.”

“Being up here with you is the first time I’ve felt like there isn’t something wrong with me…which is strange because the things we do…most people don’t do them.”

“I’ll make it so you never regret bringing me here.” “I never will, little lamb.”

“I’m just trying to figure out how someone who grew up the way you did is so good at taking care of someone else. And how I’m the lucky person you do it with.”

I’d always known I would hate the outside world, but I hated it even more since meeting him. I could never like a place that made him feel so bad, so lonely, where there were people who wouldn’t want him.

Sometimes my mental illness makes these feelings of worthlessness and sadness feel so much bigger, like they’re breaking me down. It lasts a little while; sometimes days, sometimes more.”

“You.” “Me what?” “You give me you. Not just your ass. All of you. Your…feelings, your words, your smiles. You.”

“I…” Crow squeezed his eyes shut before opening them again. “Only need you. Mine.” Crow held on to my throat, with just a little pressure, but also brushing his fingers over my pulse. “Yours,” I promised him, voice cracking. Always and forever I would belong to Crow.

I shared story after story about my mom with Crow, showing him how special and perfect she was, even though she was an addict. People tended to hear drugs and automatically write someone off as a bad person, but she wasn’t. She was the best person I’d ever known, followed by the man allowing me to keep her memory alive.

“One day I want you to take me just like this, Crow, with me on my back and you looking into my eyes so you can see how much I belong to you while you fuck me.”

“I love you,” I whispered, then held my breath. Crow released my fingers, confusion clear on his face. “Why?” “Because I was meant to love you. I exist to love you, to belong to you.”

I’d never thought someone was beautiful before him. Yes, I’d felt physical attraction. I got turned on and wanted to fuck, but I’d never looked at someone and ached before. I’d never lost my breath because they were so fucking beautiful, I couldn’t tear my eyes away.

She died for me because she wanted a better life, and when she was alive, I’d always picked Chosen over her.

“No one has ever been this nice to me. No one has ever made me feel like I matter. I’ve always been something people can throw away. I don’t know how to deserve this.” “You already do.” I’d told him last night. Cyrus gave me himself. That was all I needed. “She said you were her sun, but you’re mine too.”

Now I knew my salvation was the man in

front of me, and it was beautiful and right and I would never let him go.

I still felt a little useless, like he was the only one giving and I was just taking. That Crow would be better off without me. But I was fighting like hell not to lose myself to those thoughts. Crow said he wanted me. He said I was all he needed, and I did everything in my power to believe him.

“I’ll find you,” he said. “You can’t hide from me, little lamb. I can smell you…smell how much you want me…the muskiness of your desire, the scent of sugar that always clings to your skin. I’m going to find you, and I’m going to fuck you.”

I licked at where I saw the beat in his neck. “I can taste your pulse,” I said, my voice hoarse. “Yes…God yes…”