Swipe Right for Monsters (Monster Match #1)

by R. O'Leary

For all the goblin girlies who just want to wear sweatpants, drink iced coffee, and get dicked down by hot monsters with fat bank accounts. Same, girl. Same.

“And you said?” “I told him he could shove that ‘wife material’ straight up his ass and go fuck a⁠—”

Anemia and ripping up old carpet, the perfect weekend combo for a stressed-out single woman.

Monsters had come out of the shadows and smoothly integrated into human society when her grandmother was still in pigtails. According to all those history classes she had napped through in undergrad, the monster population wasn’t particularly large.

“You need companionship outside of Miri and I. Preferably someone who provides orgasms, because we’re definitely not going to take on that responsibility.”

“Are you a ‘long walks on the beach’ type of girl, or more of an ‘afternoon hike’ girl?” “Neither,” Miri answered. “She doesn’t like the outdoors or bugs.”

“Right. More of a ‘coffee shop and bookstore date’ kind of babe.” Wait… was Ashley really filling out a dating profile for her?

Nicole leaned over the table and snagged the phone from her hand. Her stomach dropped as she read the annoyingly accurate bio her friends were...

Cedar Have you ever dated a dryad? I’ve got some wood you’ll love :)

lol

Ethan Sup, girl? Wanna get a drink? Maybe a djinn and tonic? Haha get it?

lol

Why did she have a monster dating app downloaded on her phone? No, better question; why the hell had she marked that she was looking for multiple partners?

“Holy shit, look at that tongue!” Ashley ripped the phone out of her hand and stared. “Girl, you have got to go on a date with him.”

“He’s part lizard!” “He can be part gecko and try to sell me car insurance for all I care. Imagine what that tongue could be doing to your bits right now!”

“Now, how do you feel about minotaurs?” "He's seven feet tall, Ash. If things get heated and he's... proportional... my cervix is going to end up in my lungs." “Weenie.”

“I don’t want my first date in over a year to land me in the emergency room!” “They don’t call it having your guts rearranged for nothing.”

“Your vagina has needs too, Nicole.”

Ashley raised her eyebrows. “What?” Nicole shrugged, but the heat rising in her cheeks gave her away. “I like cats, and I’ve got a thing for guys who work with their hands.”

“And send.” Ashley grinned. “You’re going to be drowning in monster dick if it’s the last thing I do… he already answered!”

“Girl, he is so fine,” Ashley gushed. “He’s got that whole frowny, stoic thing going on.”

It had taken an hour, but they’d eventually settled on the cougar contractor, a fae gardener with kind eyes, a pair of vampire lawyers—because, according to Ashley, every woman should have a threesome at least once in her lives— and the werewolf mechanic.

The amount of poorly angled dick selfies in her inbox was truly astounding—though she had to admit, she had spent way too long studying a couple of the demonic appendages.

Who knew demon cock had special features? She would have paid a lot more attention in Sex Ed if that had been part of the lesson plans.

Stupid manual labor.

The monsters in her town were ridiculously horny. Seriously. Some kind of group therapy might need to be mandated by the City Council.

There was no way in hell she was going on a date with something with that many teeth.

Agreed

She had thought it was a brilliant idea to get all the dates done in one go, but facing the reality of walking into a restaurant filled with monsters was terrifying.

Even if everything went sideways, at least she would still have garlic bread.

lol definitely a plus

sundress. She had worn one of her favorites to give herself a confidence boost—pale green with little white flowers and tiny pearl buttons up the front.

Sounds gorgeous. I want one.

Silence. Five monsters stared at her, some with mouths gaping open. The were-cougar looked like he was trying not to laugh. "Oh God, I didn't mean bang like... you know⁠—" The werewolf raised his hands to cover his face, quietly laughing.

"It's okay, sweetheart. Everyone gets nervous on a first date.” The werewolf reached over and patted her hand, still looking absolutely delighted with every word coming out of her mouth. "I'm Wes."

“I’m Hawthorne.” The silver-haired man waved and sneezed again. Turning to look at Wes, he eyed him suspiciously. “Not to be rude, but are you some kind of dog?" His dark head whipped around. "Excuse me? I am not a dog. I'm a werewolf."

The fae flushed, his pointy ears glowing bright red. Nicole tried not to smile, but it was so damned cute. At least she wasn’t the only one at the table with all the blood rushing to he...

"I'm allergic to dogs, and you're starting to make my eyes water," he said apologetically. The big guy on the other side of the table s...

The blond vampire leaned forward, propping his chin on his elbow as he winked. A sparkle lit up his red eyes, promising dirty deeds in dark corners. "Call me Jasper."

How Hawthorne had not stabbed him with his fork yet was beyond Nicole. She had dumped her drinks on men for less.

The were-cougar rolled his eyes at the werewolf. "Stop being an asshole,” Drake snapped.

Monster boyfriends sounded great and all, but they had forgotten one very important part of the equation. They were still men. Argumentative, competitive men, and she had put them all at one table.

Two hundred years old, and Atticus’ petulant frown could rival that of the most spoiled child.

Stopping in his tracks, Atticus shot him a glare. “I am not whining.”

Jasper sighed. “You’re a two-hundred-year-old vampire who can barely figure out how to use a corkscrew, but sure, we’re going to know exactly how to fix an engine.”

Jasper choked back a laugh. Relaxing in a dark parking lot filled with monsters? She might be a tasty morsel, but there had to be a screw loose in her pretty head.

They turned to find the were-cougar and the quiet fae melting out of the shadows. Oh good, more people to witness this shitshow.

Once he and Atticus had successfully wooed Nicole, maybe the elf would be a welcome addition to the group. Definitely not the shifter, though. Atticus had never cared much for cats… plus, Jasper really didn’t want to listen to him whine about the shedding for the next century.

The werewolf sighed and pushed past them. “For future reference, babe, vampires and fae are useless with machines⁠—” “I am not⁠—” “How dare you⁠—” “Rude—”

“If even one of you can tell me what a spark plug is, I’ll take it back,” he said, smirking. “Anyone?”

“Can someone just fix my car already?” she growled. “I didn’t walk out of that tragedy of a dinner just to continue it in the parking lot!”

“It’s fine,” the sweet human sighed. “I just want to go home.” “Let us know when you get there,” Hawthorne said softly. “So we know you’re safe.”

“No,” Atticus interrupted. “A lady should never have to walk home in the dark.”

“Ouch!” The business card landed in her lap. Nicole frowned at her fingertip as red beaded on her skin, dripping slowly down the length of her finger. A fresh wave of her scent crashed through the car.

It was too late. The scent of wine and candied flowers had flooded every corner of the vehicle, and for a brief second, Jasper considered opening his door and throwing himself out of the moving car.