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“There’s good in the pain. It means you’re still here,” I say. “Love in the darkness.
And they taste even better when you can’t remember when you last ate a full meal.” “You didn’t eat yesterday?” he asks carefully, and his voice is deathly quiet. I have to lean forward an inch to hear him.
“Josephine,” he says. My name sounds velvety. A whispered prayer, almost, and I wonder how it would sound as an exaltation. “You’re kind to so many people, but who takes care of you?”
the plea behind his question. It burrows into my heart and wraps the organ in a tight embrace. “You don’t need to talk to me. You need to finish your food.” “Jeez.” I take another bite. “Bossy.” “When it comes to your well-being, Josephine, I’m going to be as bossy as I want. That is non-negotiable. And if we’re going to a conference together, you better believe I’m going to take care of you while we’re there, too.” Jesus. A shiver runs down my spine. My body is on fire, electrified, and I’m hot—hotter than the surface of the sun.
“Why?” I ask around a heavy exhale. “Because thinking about you not being taken care of makes me want to burn the world down.”
At seven on the dot, a car pulls up outside my apartment building, and I smile. Right on time.
“I hope you know I would never intentionally put you in harm’s way,” he says, his voice soft, and my heart hammers in my chest.
Airports are a lawless place.
“You might be right.” “Oh, I like when you say that. Do it again.” “Never going to happen.”
“Good girl,” I say. “Another.”
Her cheeks flame and she stares at me, giving me the attention I didn’t know I craved. Eyes pinned on mine, she inhales then exhales, something dark hiding behind her gaze. I think I’m burning alive. The longer she looks at me, the more I feel a pull deep in the trenches of my stomach. In my lower spine. I want to push her hair out of her face. Kiss her cheek, her forehead. Ease her fear and pull her into my lap, telling her it’s okay and ask how I can help. Hell. I’d do anything she asked.
As soon as the wheels are on the ground, she unravels her hand from mine. I miss her touch more than I should.
“Hi,” I whisper. My voice cracks and my hands tremble. I set my drink down on a nearby table. “I missed you.” “I missed you too,” Jack says, and his words feel real.
“Nice to meet you, man,” Greg says. “Please don’t tell me you do social media work too.” “What’s that supposed to mean?” Jack asks, and his voice turns to ice. “C’mon.” Greg laughs, but it sounds stilted. “You know.” “No. I don’t know.” Jack’s palm slips from my cheek. He stares at Greg and narrows his eyes. “Explain it to me.” Greg fidgets and runs a hand through his hair. He shrugs again, nervousness overtaking his face. “You look like a smart guy. You probably do something important. I.T. maybe? Software development?” “Ah.” Jack nods. “I get it. You think what Josephine does isn’t
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swooning
I want to give him a hug. Wrap my arms around his neck and hold him close. Thank him for his sharp tongue and his commitment to making me feel seen and heard.
How do I tell him I think he’s kind and wonderful, a good man with a good soul and a big heart? How do I admit to him I enjoyed calling him my boyfriend, enjoyed the way the endearment felt on the tip of my tongue? How do I say I want to do it again?
Douche Canoe of the Year acting like a dick,
“You’re amazing,” I repeat, louder this time, so I can be sure she hears me. “I don’t know why you think you have to filter yourself around me, but you don’t.
It’s clear you’re used to dulling your shine for someone else, and I fucking hate that. We’re friends now. I don’t want you holding back anymore. I want you to shine bright. Okay?”
I’ve always found Josephine attractive, but in cutoff jean shorts, a shirt that slips off her shoulders and her vulnerability coming through, she’s a hazard to my health.
My favorite food is mashed potatoes. If we created a potato ranking scale, mashed potatoes would be at the top,” she says.
my girlllll
Fuck. What I wouldn’t do to see her smile like that again.
Throwing up walls to protect myself, because I refused to get hurt again. Keeping to myself instead of getting to know new people, set in my ways. If that meant being an asshole, so be it. It’s easier than getting trampled on.
You ate five tacos in my office the other night. That’s downright fascinating.”
“There’s nothing to thank me for,” I say. “Human decency is the bare minimum, Josephine, and I’m sorry if anyone has ever made you feel like you deserve to be treated less than spectacular.”
“You look… lighter,” she says. “Happy. Is it the no state tax that has you smiling so much?” “I’m happy sometimes. It’s not a constant state of doom and gloom inside my head.” “Sometimes?” she asks. “What’s the determining factor?” My eyes meet hers, and she doesn’t look away. I tilt my head to the side and give her the honest answer, the one I’m more and more sure of every time she’s around. “You,” I say. “What do you mean me?” “I’m far happier on the days I get to see you, Josephine, than the days when I don’t get to see you.”
No one has interested me. Until Josephine came along.
I get in the buffet line and build two plates, one for me and one for her. When I do eventually find her, I’m going to sit her down and watch her eat, because the thought of her going hungry drives me mad.
I shrug. “Not very long. It’s nothing.” “It’s not nothing.” Josephine sets down the list. Her hand folds over my forearm, on the space of skin where my shirt is rolled. I jolt at her touch, an electric force field surrounding us. “It’s brilliant, and it’s wonderful, and I’m so appreciative. Thank you.” I’d do anything for you, I think.
“Can you eat some of your food, please?
The stupid joke earns me a giggle. A soft laugh I want to bottle up and unleash on my worst days.
It makes me want to kiss her. Right here, right now, and not care about the repercussions or who might see. I want to take her to my hotel room and take off that skirt she’s wearing. Unzip it and throw it in a corner so I can fucking worship her like she deserves.
That’s what I’m here for. You can fight your battles on your own. I’m just here if you need some help.”
“Why do you hide this side of yourself? This compassionate, caring, incredible man that you are?” She pauses. Her hand slides down my chest and covers my heart. I wonder if she can feel how fast it’s racing. For her. “Who hurt you, Jack Lancaster?”
“and until then, I’ll be whatever you need me to be. Your friend. Your colleague. Anything you want.” Mine, I think to myself. I want her to be mine.
He opens his arms for a hug and I step into his embrace. It’s the closest we’ve ever been, and I don’t want to ever leave.
“Sweetheart,” he says. Gosh, I like when he calls me that. It sounds so real.
I’m going to buy you a drink not only because you fucking deserve it, but because as hard as I try, I can’t stay away from you. I hate spending time with people, but I want to spend time with you.”
“You’re smiling,” he says. “I’m just thinking about how excited I am for our talk,” I answer. “Why are you smiling?” “Don’t know.” Jack shrugs and gives my shoulder a squeeze. “Guess I’m just happy. Ready for the circus to begin?” I stand tall and smile wider. “With you by my side, Jack Lancaster, I’m ready for anything.”
Great call with having the lecture transcribed, by the way. That was very inclusive of you,” I say. Jack shrugs. “Information shouldn’t be limited to a certain group of people. Everyone deserves the chance to learn and grow, and making that knowledge accessible to the masses is the right thing to do.”
Wally snaps his fingers. “I like her, Jack.” “Yeah.” His thumb brushes down my arm. “I do, too.”
“Am I that easy to read?” Jack asks. “No. I think I’ve been paying too much attention to you.”
“It’s okay if you’re not okay, you know.”
He shrugs and his arm drops to my waist. “I’m just glad you’re here with me.”
“And I’m glad you’re happy now.” “I told you that the days I see you, I’m the happiest. That wasn’t a line. It’s true. You’re… you amaze me, Josephine. You find the good in every situation. In every person. Even in a dark soul like me. How is that possible?”
“I don’t deserve you,” he says. “Not your friendship. Not your kindness and joy. Not your attention. I ruin things, Josephine, and you’re too good to be ruined. I don’t want to dull your shine.”
“Have a good day, Josephine. I’m so proud of you.”
crowd. I stay stationary, unable to move, too busy wondering how spectacular it would be to have his mouth on mine.
Jack’s notes have helped, guiding me to the lectures I want to attend and making me feel comfortable in a space that still feels unfamiliar.
“What do you want to talk about?” he asks. “The fact that I can’t get you out of my head or how I look for you in a crowded room?”
