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January 30 - January 31, 2024
Molly has come up beside me, so I glance down at her and whisper, “Who is she, fucking Mary Poppins?”
“It’s hard to be afraid of pretend monsters when you’ve dealt with the real thing your whole life.”
Halfway through the song, Tate bursts out into a belly laugh, and I crumble beside him. It’s now my mission in life to make him laugh like that every day.
“Oh, Lanie, I’ve never been a cheater, but when I decide I want something, I don’t let up until it’s mine.”
“Crying because you’re scared is normal. There have been many times in my life when I was scared. Sometimes crying makes you feel better. But having someone you can turn to, someone you can trust is always best. And, Tate, you can always come to me. No matter what or where or when, I’ll always be here for you,”
“But who will protect you, Lanie? Who’s there for you?”
“I will, Tate. I’ll protect Lanie just like I protect you and the girls. Lanie’s part of our family while she’s here,” he looks over to me and adds, “a part of our family as long as she wants to be. Lanie has proven her love for you time and time again, so I promise you, little man, I will protect her.”
“Remember, Mr. Boss Man, don’t fall in love with me.” I give him a saucy wink and am startled by the emotion I find in his eyes. “It might be too late for that, Lanie Heart. It just might be too late,” he growls, shaking his head.
“Don’t fall in love with me, Dex. I’m too broken. I’ll never be what you need.” “Oh, pretty, pretty woman. By the time I’m done, you’ll never want to let me go.”
few moments, but it’s not uncomfortable. “Lanie? Do you know the difference between Mary Poppins and Maria?” She stays silent. “Maria’s the one who stayed.”
“Fuck, Lanie. Are we back to Mr. Cross?” He raises my face to his. “I’m installing emergency LED floodlights in your room. If the power ever goes out, they kick on within two seconds. I-I just didn’t want you to be afraid anymore.”
“I’m going to do stuff like this for you every day. Every single day you’re going to be treated the way you should’ve been treated your entire life.”
“Lanie, the rape kit was negative. He did unspeakable things to you, but rape wasn’t one of them.” I let her cry for minutes, maybe hours, I’m not sure, but I hold her praying to any higher power I just made the right decision. That I can help extinguish this one demon. When her cries have subsided, I give her a squeeze and roll her over to face me. “I don’t know if I did the right thing by telling you, but I want you to know something. I will wait for you forever, however long it takes. We’ll move at your pace or stay as we have been. I just want you here, like this, being able to hold you.
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“Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever felt more loved than I have these last couple of months.” I don’t look at him, I can’t, or I’ll break. It’s as honest as I can give him right now. He rolls to his side, running his fingers through my hair. “I do, you know.” It’s not a question. There’s no doubt what he means, but he clarifies anyway. “I love you, Lanie. I love you like I never imagined possible. When you hurt, I feel it deep in my soul. When you’re happy, I feel like I could float away. When you smile at me, I feel like the king of the goddamn castle.
“You don’t like it, Lanie?” Tate’s voice wobbles. “You don’t have to be my mom. I just want you to be my family.” I can hear the tears in Tate’s words. “Oh, no, Tate! You don’t understand. I asked if I could take it because I want to hang it in my room if that’s okay with you. You see, I never really had a family like this. I love seeing how you drew me. I look so happy standing here holding your hand. I want you to know that I don’t have to be your mom to love you. You have such a big piece of my heart that no matter where we are, you’ll always be a part of my family.”
“Daddy, please. Please don’t let Lanie leave me, too. I promise. I promise I’ll be better. I won’t bother her as much. I’ll pick up all my toys. The girls’ toys, too. I’ll be quieter. I won’t give her headaches. Tell her. Please tell her I’ll do anything. Don’t let her leave because I’m so bad. I’ll be better. I won’t cause her this trouble anymore, please, Daddy, please.”
“It’s my thank you card to Lanie. I told her thank you, thank you, thank you. Then I told her I love her so much, and this is the best Halloween I’ve ever had.”
“She does, Dad, she does. She already asked me to hang it on her wall so she can see it every day. She even cried. I might make one every day. If Lanie gets used to them then she won’t cry anymore.” Lowering his voice to a whisper, he says, “I don’t like it when she cries.” “Me either, buddy. We’ll have to make it our job to make sure Lanie never cries.” I give him a little fist bump.
“Nope, Lanes. I don’t like it. Happy smiles, sad tears,” Tate says matter-of-factly.
“I know, Lanie told me, a lot.” He laughs. “I wish Lanie could be my mom,” his voice is quiet, “but I don’t think she wants to be mine.”
“Oh, that’s fine, Lanie. My dad is really good at fixing things. I’ll help, too. Together we can fix you for sure. Just come back home, Lanie, and we’ll fix you. Then you can be my mom.”
