Between Never and Forever

by Shain Rose

“I don’t want anybody but you.” His dark eyebrows dipped low as he tipped my chin up and rubbed it with his thumb, back and forth, back and forth. “You can have me here,” I whispered. “Just not out there.” “I want you every-fucking-where.”

I put my life in their hands because a body shifts into survival mode and trusts who it must. Deep in my bones, I knew I could trust Dex.

Gone was the fire. Gone was the passion. In its place was the ice. A coldhearted Keelani had taken possession of the love of my life. Numb. Frozen. Maybe full of fear. I didn’t fucking know. That car wreck changed us, and I couldn’t seem to get her back,

She was beautiful when she performed, but it was nothing compared to her standing in sweats at home without makeup.

“I’ve told you I love you; I’ve promised myself to you. I want to marry you…not be your friend.” She gasped at my confession, yet I continued on. “You’ve always been my girl, my girlfriend, my future wife. Nothing less. Don’t you get that? I promised you forever, Kee.”

I didn't come home much. It was too painful, too full of memories and regrets. Like the one standing right in front of me.

I needed him any way I could get him. But I’d lost him. And I didn’t know if I’d ever get him back. Maybe the Dex I knew was gone forever and this man was left in his wake.

“You look drop-dead gorgeous, Kee. Come say hi before you go on stage, okay?” “I don’t want to,” I whined. “I know you don’t.” He smiled big and winked. “That’s why I’m telling you to. Call me if you need me.” “Not if, always when,” I recited the line, and Olive mouthed it because she knew it was our saying by now.

The problem was that I never wanted him to be a secret. I just needed him to be. My songs were apologies to him, love notes to him, heartbreak about him. He’d hear the words and know. He’d have to know, and all I would have tonight would be my looks for armor.

My fucking little brother was her safe haven. He had that spot in her heart, and I hated that I was jealous of him for that.

“I’ve been with her for two years, and it’s been damn near fifteen years without you,” he said, and his voice suddenly held all the pain I felt. “And yet I hear your voice on that stage, look at you singing, and I still only want you.”

“You picture me every time you fuck your fiancé, too, Kee?”

This was a disaster waiting to happen, but it was also the place I knew I wanted to break apart. Beside him. For him. Because of him.

“Bend over the counter and face the window. Look out at the city I rule and feel how I’m going to rule you too.”

“Keep your eyes on me, Kee. I want you to watch who can fuck you so hard you forget about the good-girl image you’ve built for yourself and see who you always truly belonged to.”

I stood there like a girl totally enamored with both of them in different ways. Dimitri would protect me always, and Dex would push all my buttons to see me spiral into oblivion with him.

“You don’t need me. You only need something to take the edge off.” “No, I need you,” she moaned. “Do you know me, Kee? You don’t even know what I like anymore.” “I know that. I want you to show me. Show me now. Show me everything.”

“We’re going to be the death of each other. I’m going to drag you to hell, Kee, and neither of us will be able to save the other from the fire.”

Dex: If that was the case, I would have just posted an actual picture of me kissing you. Dex: As much as I hate to admit it, that kiss was for me. You taste good in the morning, heartbreaker.

I wanted the man who took care of me, who remembered my breakfasts, who’d saved me from that car wreck, who’d save me from anything. He was doing it here too—saving me—even if he probably wouldn’t admit it later.

How could I shake a love that was a part of me, my trauma, my damn soul? She’d woven herself in, and I wasn’t getting her out.

“Fine. Maybe I don’t. But I know she’s been through enough hell. You get me? So, don’t fuck it up this time.” “Or what?” “Or one of us will have to call Mom and Dad to say we fought to the fucking death. I don’t know if I can take you, but I’m starting to think Dec and Dom would be on my side. All three of us can definitely take you. Cade and Dante will hide your body after Mom and Dad cry over you.”

Dexton Hardy stole my heart with his sad smile. His eyes were locked on mine as he mouthed, You can do anything.

“I’m going to watch your every fucking move, Kee, and I’m not going to feel guilty at all. I’m here to protect you. Fake fiancée or not, you’re mine and everything that’s mine stays safe, heartbreaker. Even if I can’t decide whether watching you will break me or put me back together.”

“Jesus Christ—” “No. Kee Hale, the girl who broke your heart but also the one who’s going to put it back together.”

“I want your eyes on me, your cock in me, your hands over me. I want you everywhere all the time.”

“You’re. Mine. My future wife. Fucking mine. You might perform for the world, Kee, but they’ll only ever get a sliver of a version of you. I’m going to take all of you from now on.”

Through trauma, through hell and back, through warring with my own emotions and coming out bloody and bruised, I knew there was no way I would ever let her go again.

“I’ll always stand when you enter a room, heartbreaker. You were the woman of my dreams for years and then the woman of my nightmares. Either way, you deserve respect for that.”

“Because you don’t forget a love like ours and move on. You just survive without it, right?”

He stared at me for a second before he took my hand and dragged it over his ribs. It took me a second to see what he was doing, letting my fingers feather over his tattoo there. It was lilacs and a key, but on the key, etched in the side of it was Kee. “Dex?” I whispered out his name. “What is this?” “You were always a part of me, even when I didn’t want you to be.” “But you… We… You left and moved on.” “I left, but I didn’t move on. I got you tattooed on me because you were already permanently with me. Might as well have had the tattoo of your memory there too.”

She was strong. Brilliant. And broken from her family.

I’d never stopped loving her. Not even for a second. I might have hated her at the same time because I didn’t know, but the love was still there.

I kissed her like I should have fifteen years ago. I kissed her with no reservations but with love and softness. I kissed her like I should have every damn day since I met her. I kissed her like I loved her, because I did.

“And I did, didn’t I? I fucked you in the kitchen, in the bedroom, on my stage, and now I’ll have you in this office. You’re about to be my wife. And I’m not marrying you to save you. I’m marrying you so I can save the world. I’ll go crazy and cause too much damn destruction protecting you without you being by my side. You get that?”

I saw all of them. Declan, Dom, Dex, Dimitri, Cade, Dante, and Bane walked from the revolving doors of the resort’s rooftop entrance, headed our way. They didn’t even bounce as they went down the steps. It was like they glided in those suits, their watches flashing, their leather loafers eating up the cement as they strode our way. It was a moment that should have been frozen in time. They were beautiful up on that rooftop, looking like they ruled the world, all their faces much madder than they should have been.

“You’re not going to give up, are you?” “I’m never going to give up on us again.”

“We do huge things for family though right? And you’re family. You’re mine. I’ll go to hell and burn there for all I care. You think I won’t?”

“If I loved them?” he said, his eyes holding mine. And when I nodded, his dimples showed because he knew just as well as me that I was telling him I loved him right then and there. “I’d let them choose, heartbreaker. Let someone you love choose to hold that burden with you.”

“You asked me once why I needed you in my home. Not just wanted. Needed. It’s because I was dying without you, Kee. Suffocating. Couldn’t fucking breathe without you. Is that answer enough? I didn’t commit. To anything. I haven’t loved a woman before you nor will I love another after you. I knew it then like I know it now. I have always loved you, and I hated you for that, Kee.”

“He’d always been the boy who saved me. And I wasn’t about to leave behind the man who saved me too.”

Sometimes it’s hard to see the sun when you’ve been standing in the dark for so long. Dex and I were each other’s light to find our way back to it.