Between Never and Forever

by Shain Rose

“I’ll never be your friend.” The words came out fast with fury. “I’ve told you I love you; I’ve promised myself to you. I want to marry you…not be your friend.” She gasped at my confession, yet I continued on. “You’ve always been my girl, my girlfriend, my future wife. Nothing less. Don’t you get that? I promised you forever, Kee.”

I tried to ignore the flutter in my stomach, the way my heart jumped immediately. It could have been a hundred years since I’d last seen him, and I would still react that way to anything regarding Dex.

Then he whispered, “Fuck it,” before he slammed his mouth hard into mine, his full lips moving with the purpose of dominating mine.

Years we’d been apart, but instantly, my body remembered him. Every part of me wanted him. I submitted immediately because he was the only one who’d ever made me feel that way.

When I opened my eyes, he glared at me with his arms crossed, and I hated how I wasn’t immune to those deep-green irises, his dark wavy hair, and how his strong jaw seemed just a bit sharper than his brothers’.

He rubbed at the stubble on his chin before he admitted, “I sent her home.” “Why?” I asked, but his eyes burned into mine, communicating all I needed to know. “Because I could only look at you all night.” He combed a hand through his thick hair. “I’ve been with her for two years, and it’s been damn near fifteen years without you,” he said, and his voice suddenly held all the pain I felt. “And yet I hear your voice on that stage, look at you singing, and I still only want you.”

“I won’t stop until I have you. You know that, Kee. I won’t stop till I get you out of my fucking system.”

My hand went to her neck, and I practically pulled her off the ground so I could reach her lips more quickly. I didn’t kiss her. I fucked her mouth. I destroyed it, took what I wanted and longed for. It wasn’t nice or kind or subtle in need. It was a kiss full of fire and hate and vengeance. I branded her with the emotions we’d probably both felt for years.

The problem with what I’d just done was that I didn’t know if it was going to ruin me to have him be my first.

I did know, though, that it would probably ruin me if he wasn’t my last.

How people were supposed to blindly trust the person they were with was beyond me. Funny thing was, I’d never cared before. I only did with her.

I couldn’t resist her even though she was the one thing I should be resisting.

My body started to relax, but my heart didn’t. I wasn’t singing anymore, but a new song, an ode to him, now flowed through my veins. My breathing synchronized with his, a rapid rhythm that tied me to his presence, tied me to who I was with him, who we wanted to be.

I knew then I was bonded to her forever in the purest and most obsessive way. I could feel how I gravitated toward her, how everything I shouldn’t be doing with her still felt completely right. Through trauma, through hell and back, through warring with my own emotions and coming out bloody and bruised, I knew there was no way I would ever let her go again.

“I’ll always stand when you enter a room, heartbreaker. You were the woman of my dreams for years and then the woman of my nightmares. Either way, you deserve respect for that.”

He stared at me for a second before he took my hand and dragged it over his ribs. It took me a second to see what he was doing, letting my fingers feather over his tattoo there. It was lilacs and a key, but on the key, etched in the side of it was Kee. “Dex?” I whispered out his name. “What is this?” “You were always a part of me, even when I didn’t want you to be.” “But you… We… You left and moved on.” “I left, but I didn’t move on. I got you tattooed on me because you were already permanently with me. Might as well have had the tattoo of your memory there too.” He said it simply, but it impacted me catastrophically. He’d been broken without me too. I wrote songs because I couldn’t forget him. He tattooed me on himself because he couldn’t forget me. It solidified something in my heart right then: our love was real, even if we’d tried to avoid it, even if we were kids, even if it was surrounded by trauma and wreckage. Our love was there and it survived. Love always somehow survived.

I’d never stopped loving her. Not even for a second. I might have hated her at the same time because I didn’t know, but the love was still there. “I get it all now,” I said quietly. Then, I strode over to her and knelt down so I could take her face in my hands. I leaned in and kissed her. I kissed her like I should have fifteen years ago. I kissed her with no reservations but with love and softness. I kissed her like I should have every damn day since I met her. I kissed her like I loved her, because I did.

I loved that she didn’t fit in any damn box I tried to put her in, that she kept me on my toes, that she sacrificed herself for others, and that she’d sacrificed our love at one point. She was selfless and good and bad in all the best ways possible.

“Reminders are there so we can learn and prepare for the future. They mark us and tattoo a memory into our soul for reference.” “What’s this memory trying to tell us then?” “For me? It’s reminding me not to fuck up protecting you again.” “That’s not your job. We’re not really together.” She was still coming to terms with the fact that we were, it seemed. “And even if we were, Dex, you don’t have to protect me.” “We’ve always been together. Even when we weren’t. And we always will be too, Kee. I’m always going to protect you.”

“You’ve got ten seconds to get the fuck out of this conference room.” I took a step back. He was right. God, he was so right. Of course he hadn’t thought I’d actually burst into the room. Although…Penelope had let me right through. She’d even waved me in like it wasn’t at all an inconvenience. “I understand,” I murmured, taking a step back in my bare feet. “Heartbreaker”—he pinched the bridge of his nose—“not you. Never you. Them.”

“You asked me once why I needed you in my home. Not just wanted. Needed. It’s because I was dying without you, Kee. Suffocating. Couldn’t fucking breathe without you. Is that answer enough? I didn’t commit. To anything. I haven’t loved a woman before you nor will I love another after you. I knew it then like I know it now. I have always loved you, and I hated you for that, Kee.” He dragged a hand over his face, and then he got down on one knee. “Only because I couldn’t be with you. So, you’re wearing my ring but I want you to say it too. Say you’ll marry me. Say we belong together. Say yes because I’m asking you now. Will you marry me?” “You’re not telling me?” I whispered. “I will if you say no, but I’ll ask first.” His dimples showed. And I knew as I looked at him that was the truth. Dex would always protect me. He wanted to. He needed to.

“Tell me again what you said.” He chuckled against my neck as his hand slid up my thigh. “When he asked me why I bought your label, I agreed that I’m pragmatic in all I do and said, ‘Pragmatically, no one stands in the way of my wife’s happiness. She wanted it, so I bought it. There’s no other explanation needed.’” And that’s how I’d chosen to live with him from then on. Without explanations. Without apologies. Without fear. But with confidence. With love. And with my Dex.