Between Never and Forever

by Shain Rose

“It’s been a whole damn year, Kee. A year of me loving you, and a year of you wanting me to keep it a secret. For what?”

I walked away from the love of my life as my friend hung on his arm like she belonged there.

And me. You’ve got me here, I wanted to say.

“I’ll never be your friend.” The words came out fast with fury. “I’ve told you I love you; I’ve promised myself to you. I want to marry you…not be your friend.”

as he tasted what he didn’t even want.

I whimpered at that thought. He didn’t even want me anymore. I felt it in how he kissed me with no appreciation or love.

How was I supposed to get over the love I left behind when I’d never wanted to leave him behind in the first place?

He looked me up and down like my love for him had been some childish thing.

I loved the girl even if she didn’t love me enough to stay.

romance novels were my escape and mine alone.

I tried my best to move on. But when someone breaks a person’s heart, their words echo around them forever. I don’t love you. He’d said it so easily

I’d left him behind even though I’d always looked back, and he’d never known it.

“Bend over the counter and face the window. Look out at the city I rule and feel how I’m going to rule you too.”

“Now, want me fuck you nice, like this means something, or fuck you rough, like I hate you for all you’ve done?”

He would have danced on my shattered heart if he could have.

“Remember when you can’t walk tomorrow, it’s because you fucking begged for it.”

How do you tell the parent you always wanted to make proud that they weren’t making you proud?

“We’re going to be the death of each other. I’m going to drag you to hell, Kee, and neither of us will be able to save the other from the fire.”

We were strangers who’d once been lovers and were now wobbling on a tightrope of indecision as to whether or not we could be anything more.

Beauty could wrap up emotions and package them as perfection.

When we’ve dealt with trauma before, we protect what we love—especially when so many memories are already marred with pain.

A woman can feel a man caging them in like an animal. The instinct is there to run, but the social norms hold us back. We question our sanity, our gut reaction, our rationality. Even still, I measured the length of the room and estimated how fast I could get to the door.

I felt the tears as I stood without moving. I was frozen in shame and fear immediately. How could I let this be happening? Yet, how was I supposed to know how to confront a man taking advantage of me? I’d be practically trained by the record label to allow it, to just endure. I’d known this day would come, where he’d take advantage of me like he had so many others. I knew so many women before me had been told to keep quiet about him, to not cause a scene, He was too influential. He’d ruin me and everyone close to me.

candles were lit around the lilacs now and I turned to him, confused. “I’m showing you what it is to be with someone who likes you tonight.”

“A vibrator and a scene from this book can.” I waved the book on the app in front of his face.

not willing to put them through pain when she must have endured so much of it.

Life sometimes isn’t fair and we have to go through hell.