Lula Dean’s Little Library of Banned Books

by Kirsten Miller

Sure, she’d cursed the world with Dr. Phil, but would Oprah really have welcomed a witch?

This was it. Beau took a deep breath. No matter how disgusting it was, he promised God he’d always be nice to his mama. And Ms. Throgmorton. Especially Ms. Throgmorton. He turned to the first page and began to read. Are you there, God? It’s me, Margaret. Oh no, Beau thought. It’s only page one and she’s already asking God for help.

Fighting the forces of evil—whether Black, gay, feminist, or fabulous—would take drastic measures, the hate-mongers told their followers. Books would need to be banned and laws broken. Some parts of the Constitution might no longer apply to everyone. And there were sections of the Bible they’d have to ignore, starting with love thy neighbor.

The historical reality would have sickened them. Literally. After a month in the old South they would have been suffering from malaria, cholera, or yellow fever. The people they met during their travels would be dystopian versions of the characters from their favorite movies. Real-life Mammy would have spent her fertile years nursing white babies while her own were sold off to the highest bidder. Ashley Wilkes, the ideal Southern gentleman, would own a plantation designed to turn human flesh into dollars. The soldiers nursed by saintly Melanie would reek of gangrene after losing limbs to a cause whose origins eluded them. Pretty Scarlett would do her business in a chamber pot she kept under the bed. This glorious antebellum South they yearned for never featured any of the ugly realities of the past—body odor, hookworm, rape, cesspools, death, disease, and whippings, not to mention the unrelenting poverty of the folks called white trash. Anyone who tried to open their eyes was ignored or vilified. They made heroes of sadists like Augustus Wainwright. They went around waving a flag they claimed was all about heritage. The flag for which their poor ancestors had fought and died, while the rich slaveholders who’d started the war were exempted from service by Jefferson Davis himself.

“Yeah, and when did they come over?” One of the surprising things Dr. Chokshi had discovered during his time in Troy was how much white people loved being asked that question. Talk to one shortly after their 23andMe results had come in, and the conversation could go on for hours.

Omg it's my entire life lololol