Assassins Anonymous

by Rob Hart

All of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone. —Blaise Pascal

Why is a caterpillar wrapped in silk while it changes into a butterfly? So the other caterpillar can’t hear the screams. Change hurts. —Rory Miller, Meditations on Violence

Kozyol means “goat” but is pretty much Russian for “motherfucker.” Kotenok means “kitten.”

And also he stabbed me. Just, overall this guy is a dick.

Mathilda: Is life always this hard, or is it just when you’re a kid? Léon: Always like this. —The Professional

“Choosing to change is not something you do once. It’s something you have to wake up every day and choose to do again…”

Four in, hold for four, out for four, empty lungs for four.

I don’t expect to truly forgive myself, or to find some kind of inner peace, but maybe I’ll be able to sleep at night, or just hate myself a little less.

“Assassins Anonymous,” Kenji says, “is a fellowship of men and women who share their experience, strength, and hope with each other, that they may solve their common problem and help each other to recover. The only requirement for membership is a desire to stop.

Booker is a Marine turned mercenary; Kenji was a Yakuza hitter.

“What is the difference between hit men and assassins?” he asks. “A hitman gets paid by a political or criminal organization to kill someone. An assassin kills for religious or political purposes, but they don’t always get paid. The lines are blurry.

There was this boxer who used to say pain is information. Your shoulder hurts, you protect it. Your ribs ache, you cover them up. Process it like that, and you can deal with just about anything. This, though—this just hurts.

We turn the corner and black clouds of smoke spill into the night sky from halfway down the block and six floors up. See also: the approximate location of my living room.

“They called me the Pale Horse.”

At times, because of one man’s evil, ten thousand people suffer. So you kill that one man to let the tens of thousands live. Here, truly, the blade that deals death becomes the sword that saves lives. —Yamamoto Tsunetomo, Hagakure: The Way of the Samurai

The only thing thicker than the humidity in Singapore is the money.

No one pays me any regard, which floods me with a tingle of excitement. They have no idea what’s about to happen.

Did I get hit in the face? Maybe I got hit in the face. I don’t remember.

“You’re not supposed to trust me. You’re just supposed to help me keep the world running.”

‘And I looked, and behold a pale horse, and his name that sat on him was Death.’

The Maxwell Food Centre on Kadayanallur Street is my favorite. Get some chicken rice. Some char kway teow.

The lion cannot protect himself from traps, and the fox cannot defend himself from wolves. One must therefore be a fox to recognize traps, and a lion to frighten wolves. —Niccolò Machiavelli, The Prince

as soon as we stepped outside the airport, the humidity hugged me like that weird uncle you try to avoid: way too tight and in all the wrong places.

To let go and let god is Assassins Anonymous–speak for: You are not a god, you are a human being, and what you did, you did to other human beings.

Bowing is an expression of gratitude and respect. In effect, you are thanking your opponent for giving you an opportunity to improve your technique. —Jigoro Kano, the founder of judo

La Degustation. Michelin-starred. Classic Czech cooking. Unbelievable.

“Watashi…wa karera…to issho ni imasen?” I respond. I’m not with them.

“Jihiwokou,” he says. Mercy.

“Kanpai,”

“So what is it?” I ask. “Like AA for killers?” “Exactly that.”

“The difference between humility and humiliation is willingness,” Kenji says. “Ultimately, it’s not for them. It’s for me.”

It isn’t the mountains ahead that wear you down. It’s the pebble in your shoe. —Muhammad Ali

Some people think of recovery as a destination. Really, it’s a path you travel for the rest of your life, and the finish line is perpetually over the horizon. You have to learn to be happy with the journey. To be the journey.

The Pale Horse was not nearly as tough as I thought. I left him bleeding on the floor. Just a scared little kitten. Wait until you hear where I found him…

Sanjuro was the name adopted by the ronin—the masterless samurai—in Yojimbo. Kenji’s favorite Kurosawa film. Which is why he chose it as his username.

Your worst sin is that you have destroyed and betrayed yourself for nothing. —Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Crime and Punishment

I feel safe.

A man’s friendships are one of the best measures of his worth. —Charles Darwin

I was Special Operations Group. You know what that is?” Oh shit. “The covert paramilitary arm of the CIA.” “Yeah.”

Anger may in time change to gladness; vexation may be succeeded by content. But a kingdom that has once been destroyed can never come again into being; nor can the dead ever be brought back to life. —Sun Tzu, The Art of War

You hit bottom when you stop digging. —the Big Book

I don’t tend to deal much with the Russians, though I killed more than a few. They’re a different level of crazy.

Alexsei Zaitsev, a KGB directorate chief.

“Ulyana Semenova,”

“Viktor Kozlov,” she says. “He is known as the Beast.

“My son was born on August nineteenth,” I tell her. “His name is Bennett. I have no delusions that his mom will let me into their lives.”

The man who attacked me was a Russian named Viktor Kozlov. The Beast.

I’m not a man. I’m a tactical drone with a heartbeat and a dairy allergy.

I am the Pale Horse. It was silly to pretend otherwise.

“We need you, Mark. We need the Pale Horse. A lot of people are going to die without you.”