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To the little girl in me who found heroes boring and fell head over heels with villains.
big fucking mood
She might have jumped from a cliff to escape me, but that won’t be happening in this life. She’s my wife. My son’s mother. Fucking mine. And I’ll go through hell itself if it means keeping her there.
I hated what she had done. I hated her sometimes. And because of that, I apparently tortured her, smothered her, and drove her to the edge of a cliff where death was better than being with me.
Lia and I will write our own story, and for that to happen, she needs to stay by my side.
Deep down, I know I need to let her go. Even if only temporarily. Even if it means shredding a fucking piece of my chest.
Lia didn’t just challenge me, she also seeped under my skin and clashed into my bones.
Now, I have to let her go for her own good. Because even though I need her in my life and crave the softness she brings to my ragged edges, I have apparently cut her too deep that I didn’t only reach the flesh, but I also severed tendons and veins. I told her I would be there for her until her scars healed, but I ended up adding a few of my own.
She’s still the fragile rose I want to shield from the world, lure her into mine, and swallow her in my darkness.
I miss her. I miss my Lia, and the fact that she doesn’t remember me has been eating at my soul like the crashing waves that swallowed her that night.
I might lose my identity and become someone entirely different, but if it’s to protect my family, I’d do it again in a heartbeat. My family. My heart squeezes at that thought. Adrian and Jeremy are my family.
I want to fight. For him. For us. For the relationship we’ve never properly had.
For the first time since I’ve known Adrian, I get on my knees. Not so he can punish or fuck me from behind, but for him. Because I want to give him something.
His height is blocking the dim light coming through the entrance of the alleyway and he looks like a general, a warrior. Or maybe he’s just still the devil.
Mommy!” I open my arms and crouch as Jeremy runs at full speed toward me. Tears are shining in his huge eyes when he slams into my embrace. As I hug him to my chest and smell his marshmallow and apple scent, I feel like everything will be okay. As long as I have my baby boy, I’ll be fine.
He’s such a handsome man with a quiet beauty that creeps up on you out of nowhere and a physical perfection that gets better with time. I might have been a bit infatuated with him for years. Okay, a lot.
“I’m…I’m not protecting him.” “Is that why you refuse to tell me who he is?” “It’s because he’s dangerous …I…I don’t want you hurt.” He laughs, the sound harsh, humorless, and tugs on my heartstrings. “You’ve already done that plenty, Lenochka.” “You hurt me, too…”
“Adrian…take it as if I’m begging you. Don’t do this to us.” “Do what?” “Kill us again.”
“You said it yourself. I didn’t have a choice.” “And if you did have a choice?” A sob of relief leaves me. “I’d choose this, Adrian. I would choose you.” He closes his eyes for a brief second, grunting. When he opens them again, he rasps, “Fuck, Lenochka.”
I will always want more with Adrian, even more than he can give me. Like his heart. His soul. It’s only fair after he confiscated mine. He’s holding them in the palm of his hand, whether he’ll squash them or revive them, no one knows.
My head rests on his chest as I catch my breath, burrowing into the hard ridges of his muscles, using him as my nook, my anchor. My husband.
I love his face. I love how he’s more beautiful than a Greek god and just as lethal. But most of all, I love how his hard granite features only soften around me. As if no one in the world is worthy of his gentle side but me—and Jer.
I stare up at him, my heart squeezing behind my ribcage. I’ve known him for six years. Six whole years, but seeing him this close never gets dull. He never gets dull.
“Death is supposed to be the last possible resort, not the first.” “Not to me. I don’t believe in second chances, Lenochka.” “But you…gave me one. Right?” “You’re the exception.”
Why did I have to go and fall in love with him? It would’ve been easier if I didn’t have feelings for him. Or if, at least, all I felt toward him was fear.
As he stops beside me, I just want to throw myself in his arms and burrow my face in his chest.
“Do you enjoy driving me out of my element?” “Yes.” “Why?” “Because I’m the only one who does it.”
“You say that as if you weren’t fooled by Winter.” “I wasn’t. One look into her eyes and I figured out she wasn’t you.” “That simple?” “That simple.”
“No. You’re not just my wife, the mother of my son, and completely and utterly mine, but you’re also the only woman I’ve wanted since the first time you begged me to fuck you when you were drunk.” “Back then…I wanted you…” “Since when?” “Since the first time I saw you.” “I thought you were scared of me.” “I was, but it didn’t stop me from wanting you.”
Jeremy seems oblivious to all of it as he trots between us, one hand in his father’s and the other in mine. It’s strange how my little angel is lively and bright despite being born in such a dark world. And it’s that light that’s kept me going.
We get chocolate milkshakes and sit on a bench. Or more like, Jeremy and I do. Adrian just watches us with rare satisfaction as we slurp in unison.
“Stay there, Papa.” “I will.” “You don’t have to come inside. I’m a grown-up.” “You are, Malysh.”
“I can do it on my own.” “That’s a good boy.” “That’s right. I am. I’m gonna be big as you and protect Mommy when I grow up.” “And what am I going to do then?” “It’s okay. You can protect her too.”
She once labeled me her villain, and that’s the most accurate label she’s ever given me. As is true with any villain, right or wrong is never black or white. It’s always gray.
“A lot happened around six years ago, Lenochka. I met you, fucked you for the first time, put a baby in you, and married you. You’ll have to specify.”
It didn’t even matter when I thought I was a different person. I fell in love with him all the same and I’m starting to think there’s no way out for me after all.
Maybe I am as defective as he is, because I’m orgasming while he’s promising to kill for me in the future. That he’ll never stop killing for me. That he’s indeed a monster. My monster.
One day, she’ll realize that the world we live in doesn’t matter. We’re the only ones who do.
“You’re impossible, did you know that?” “Not impossible, no. I’m merely possessive and have no control when it comes to you. I don’t like it when you speak of any other man.”
Jeremy stares between us, eyes widening like whenever he figures out something. “If it’s easy, do it again and give me a baby sister.” “It’s not that easy,” I blurt. “But you just said it is, Mommy. Can’t you do it again? I want a baby sister.” He pulls on Adrian’s coat. “Papa, please?” “We’ll see, Malysh.”
Just when I pull back, he captures my lips in a slow, all-consuming kiss that steals my breath and apparently my logic, because for a brief second, I forget Jeremy is there. I place a hand on his chest and push him away. He releases my lips with a low growl. Jeremy stares at us with a grin, and even as my cheeks burn, I can’t help but grin back.
not them making out in front of jer
He provided me light, even when he himself was always used to the darkness.
I squeal as he sweeps me off the floor and into his arms, and then I break into a fit of laughter. Happiness. I’ve never dared to dream about it before, but this must be what it feels like to be happy, and now, I’m finally daring to experience it to its fullest.
“I love your hands. They’re so strong and masculine. You even have veins in them.”
Her words are the strongest aphrodisiac that’s ever hit me. The knowledge that she’s had me on her mind, probably as much as I’ve had her on mine, swells a dark corner of my heart with strange warmth.
She’s always felt like home, the one I think about going back to whenever I’m away from it.
My wife is the only woman who’s ever made me feel out of my mind with an animalistic sense of pleasure. One so carnal, I don’t ever want it to end. But it’s not only pleasure that beats under my skin whenever I’m inside her. It’s something deeper, darker, and would freak her out if I ever found the words to voice it.
“I love you,” she whispers against my mouth, her breath stuttering. “I love you so much, Adrian.”
Lia is the only person I’ve ever wanted to belong to me, no matter how illogical and impossible that is.
“Why didn’t you tell me?” “Because of the exact way you’re acting right now. I knew you wouldn’t believe me, that you’d think I’d betrayed you. I never have, Adrian, I swear. I couldn’t even if I wanted to.” “Why not?” “Because I love you,” my voice cracks with the wrecking force of my sobs. “I’m in love with you, and that means I would rather hurt myself and jump off a cliff instead of causing you any pain.”
My husband kisses me with a desperation that matches mine and passion that awakens my own. He robs me of thoughts until he’s the only thing present, as if I’m existing for him, for the way he kisses me like it’s his first and last.
