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Life is slowly leaving Lia, and soon, it’ll be all gone. Everything about her will be only a part of my memories. Not if I have a say in it. She might have jumped from a cliff to escape me, but that won’t be happening in this life. She’s my wife. My son’s mother. Fucking mine. And I’ll go through hell itself if it means keeping her there.
She made me lose control more than once when I thought myself incapable of such blasphemy. Lia didn’t just challenge me, she also seeped under my skin and clashed into my bones. Now, I have to let her go for her own good. Because even though I need her in my life and crave the softness she brings to my ragged edges, I have apparently cut her too deep that I didn’t only reach the flesh, but I also severed tendons and veins. I told her I would be there for her until her scars healed, but I ended up adding a few of my own.
Richard stands by his chair, dabbing a piece of cotton against his cheek that has fingernail scratches. My lips twitch as that feeling of pride hits me again. That’s my Lenochka.
I probably shouldn’t be talking to her, in case she has a panic attack like in the hospital, but I couldn’t resist. I miss her. I miss my Lia, and the fact that she doesn’t remember me has been eating at my soul like the crashing waves that swallowed her that night. Lia finally looks at me and she pauses, her aqua eyes widening and her breath audibly hitching. She observes me intently as if she knows me. Maybe not on the surface, but deep in her heart. Hope blossoms in my chest because I know, I just know that I can have my wife back.
“I’m choosing me over you, Luca. I don’t want anything to do with you anymore. Leave me and my life in peace and go away. If you ever hurt Yan or anyone else I care about again, I won’t hesitate to shoot you like I shot your man.” It might make me crazy once and for all. I might lose my identity and become someone entirely different, but if it’s to protect my family, I’d do it again in a heartbeat. My family.
That’s what happens when your mind becomes your worst enemy. When its sole purpose is to destroy you from the inside out. It’s impossible to think past the demons’ whispers and the need to end it all. Past the thought that by ending it, I could make everything fine.
Even when I chose to be Winter, my husband got me back and treated me as Lia. He also refused to call me Winter, even when I begged him to. Even when I threw tantrums and demanded it. Even when he could’ve easily made me into Winter. And that touches a deep, dark corner of my soul. One that had no light, no hope, and no way out. One that considered the cliff my last resort.
Turns out I haven’t. Even as Winter, he came back to me. He treated me like I mattered. He kissed me. He sat down and smiled at me. I want that Adrian, not the closed off monster he becomes when he’s enraged. Or worse, when he thinks I’ve cheated on him. He saw Luca kissing me, so my case isn’t looking so good, but I want to fight. For him. For us. For the relationship we’ve never properly had.
I wanted this life. I wanted Jeremy and Adrian to be all mine. It’s ironic, considering I spent a great deal of effort trying to escape from being me. I never knew how much I was attached to my life until I nearly lost it.
My husband said he’d protect me and he did. Even when I completely erased him.
“If by a date, you mean you’ll either answer my questions or I will get your ass red, then fine, Lia. Let’s have a date.” “And they say romance is dead.” “Drop the sarcasm. It doesn’t suit you.” “I think it suits me just fine.”
“No…no! No!” I dig my fingers into his skin. “Don’t torture me like this.” “You mean, like the way you’ve been torturing me for months?” “I didn’t cheat on you and I’d never be able to. Not when you own every part of me.” “I own every part of you?” His eyes darken to a frightening hue.
“What crowd?” “I don’t know. I kept away from his life because it’s dangerous.” “But you ended up in mine.” There’s a softer edge in his tone and I nearly cry with gratefulness. “You said it yourself. I didn’t have a choice.” “And if you did have a choice?” A sob of relief leaves me. “I’d choose this, Adrian. I would choose you.”
I will always want more with Adrian, even more than he can give me. Like his heart. His soul. It’s only fair after he confiscated mine. He’s holding them in the palm of his hand, whether he’ll squash them or revive them, no one knows. But I continue holding onto the hope that the six years we’ve spent together mean something. They have to.
“Having a crazy sex drive doesn’t mean I’d stick it anywhere, Lenochka.” My head snaps up until I’m once again trapped in his stormy eyes. “No?” “No. You’re not just my wife, the mother of my son, and completely and utterly mine, but you’re also the only woman I’ve wanted since the first time you begged me to fuck you when you were drunk.” “Back then…I wanted you…” “Since when?” “Since the first time I saw you.” “I thought you were scared of me.” “I was, but it didn’t stop me from wanting you.”
It’s unbelievable how much of a hold he has on my body, how he can levitate me to a state of complete abandon in a matter of minutes. But I guess it’s not only my body that he’s able to possess in this exhilarating yet frightening way. It’s also my heart and my soul. It didn’t even matter when I thought I was a different person. I fell in love with him all the same and I’m starting to think there’s no way out for me after all.
Maybe I am as defective as he is, because I’m orgasming while he’s promising to kill for me in the future. That he’ll never stop killing for me. That he’s indeed a monster. My monster.
and in a way, I prefer less crowded areas, too. I never liked the outside world too much, even before I married him.
“Careful, Lenochka,” he grinds out. “You’re tempting me to get rid of them.” “You’re impossible, did you know that?” “Not impossible, no. I’m merely possessive and have no control when it comes to you. I don’t like it when you speak of any other man.”
“We’d never leave you, Adrian.” He stares down at me with molten gray eyes. “Really?” “I promise,” I murmur, then brush a quick kiss on his cheek.
However, I’m strong and mature enough to ignore that fear and focus on what he is. Who he is. The man who showed me a different world, one where I’m cared for and I come before anything else. The man who fought for me when I didn’t have the will to fight for myself. The man who saved me, even when he tortured me. Who took my hand when I thought there was no hope left for me. The man who gave me the most precious gift in the form of Jeremy and nurtured him with me. He provided me light, even when he himself was always used to the darkness. And to have him all to myself these last couple of days
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“I didn’t know you were a cheater.” “I’m not, usually,” he whispers back against my cheek. “You just did.” “Only for you, Lenochka.”
The part that believes this is all a sham and that, sooner or later, she’ll go back to trying to escape. That if given the choice, she won’t look twice before she leaves. I thought I’d gotten used to people leaving when I was a child. First Aunt Annika, then Mom, then my father. But the idea of Lia joining them strikes a completely different chord. One that keeps me awake at night, racking my brain to find a solution.
She’s always felt like home, the one I think about going back to whenever I’m away from it.
My wife is the only woman who’s ever made me feel out of my mind with an animalistic sense of pleasure. One so carnal, I don’t ever want it to end. But it’s not only pleasure that beats under my skin whenever I’m inside her. It’s something deeper, darker, and would freak her out if I ever found the words to voice it.
Lia is the only person I’ve ever wanted to belong to me, no matter how illogical and impossible that is.
It might not have started in the most conventional way and we’re not perfect by any means, but it’s still our family. Mine and Adrian’s.
“Who asked you to walk toward death for me? Since when are you a hero? You’re a villain, so act like one and take responsibility for your actions.” “My actions?” “You made me addicted to you and unable to function unless I get my fix, so don’t you dare think you can leave and expect me to let you go without a fight.”
“You think I would ever want you with another man? That’s like gutting myself with my own hands. You’re mine and I only ever want you to stay mine, not someone else’s.” “Then don’t say you’ll leave me again. You’re my last stop and I plan to stay, not move on.” “You’re my last stop, too.”
What my husband doesn’t know is that he isn’t the only one bent on protecting me. I’d do the same. With my life, if I have to.
“Why are you doing all of this?” “This?” “Helping me.” “Because I know how it feels like to be alone, and how your head can torture itself and you.”
“He seems disinterested, but I’m starting to think it was all a façade. No one would’ve thought he would go against Granduncle for you, but he refused to divorce you, even if it meant saving his life.” My lips part. “He did?” “Yeah. Everyone called him stupid, including Kirill, who’s his ally. Me, however? I was impressed. Even Sergei is.” “Sergei?” “Yes.” “The same Sergei who seems to want my head?” “It’s all an act. If there’s anything my granduncle appreciates more than the brotherhood, it’s loyalty. Adrian showed loyalty to you and was ready to pay for his actions with his life and Sergei
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“I didn’t know you danced, Adrian.” “I don’t.” “You are right now.” “Because you look beautiful.” “You’re dancing because I look beautiful?” “It’s a perfectly good reason.” “Is that really all?” “No. I need to stake my claim so that no fucker looks at you.” “You haven’t done that before.” “I thought I was protecting you before, but fuck that. If you’re going to be in the limelight anyway, I’ll be by your side every step of the way.”
“What are you doing?” she murmurs, flattening her small frame to my side. The scent of roses fills my nostrils and I breathe her in, engraving her to memory. She’ll always be my lone rose—the resilient rose that I’d pluck from the side of the road over and over again, even if her thorns caused me to bleed. She’s my rose. Her thorns as well as her exotic scent are mine and mine alone.
“He appreciates my loyalty, not yours, Lenochka. I don’t want you there when he learns who you are.” She pouts. “Because I’m a woman and my existence doesn’t matter?” “Because you’re my wife and I’d rather die a thousand times over than put you in danger.”
I’m well aware of the onlookers, just like earlier when we danced. They’re all shocked by how close I am to Lia tonight compared to all of the other gatherings. Damien and Kirill even asked me about the sudden change. It’s simple. I’m done treating my wife like a stranger when she’s always been the only person who mattered in a room full of people. The only person I see.
“I’m sorry for making you feel bad when I should’ve done the opposite. I lost the ability to feel love when I was a boy, but you’ve slowly but surely yanked those feelings out of me. You didn’t only yank them out, you also held tight to a part of me I thought was long gone. For you, I want to go back in time and keep that part alive for the moment I met you. In the past, I thought people were destined to leave, so being attached to anyone was useless. And I thought that at some point, you would leave, too. I fought the pull to you. I fought the lure of your rose scent and your breakable
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All my life, I’ve known I was expected to have children and heirs, but I never thought it would be such an experience. The fact that I get to live it with my Lenochka is the reason why I not only endure it, but I also enjoy it. Because this is our family. My family, the one I would protect with my life.
