Finding Gene Kelly

by Torie Jean

entirely too much confetti, the silent but deadly fart of the crafting and gift-wrapping world.

Just the one that opened a wormhole to an alternate reality where you’re a concerned gentleman.

The Martha Stewart rave aesthetic is strong today.

“The Imperial March” from Star Wars pricks my ears, and the screen on my phone illuminates, rattling my coffee table without warning.

Seriously, I’m as bad as a Victorian man seeing a woman’s ankles for the first time.

The Admiral Ackbar alarm sirens in my head. It’s a trap. He snorts.

“If anyone else saw this side of you, I’m sure they’d realize you’re tougher than they give you credit for.”

“You almost murdered me the other day because I ate a sandwich with a fork.” “If you don’t see the problem with that, I don’t know what to tell you.”

“Life sucks hard most of the time. Let me escape into a promised land where everything works out in the end.”

“Let yourself fall, Peaches. It’s okay. I’ll catch you,” he says with an unfamiliar softness.

And licking Monets is generally frowned upon.

I might as well be an elderly Rose Dawson Calvert on the ship going “It’s been eighty-four years.”

Nobody else looks at me as intensely as you do.” “I look at you how you should be looked at.”

“Because I’ve been in love with you since we were five, and you’re finally giving me a chance to get close to you.”

Shades of Jake and Melanie

Well, at least he’s self-aware.

“Because I’m easy on the eyes and a fucking delight.”

“I expect you to be very mature about this information in the future,”

He nods, his brows furrowing in concern at my face. I haven’t kept track of whatever it’s doing, but it’s probably not subtle

Must. Stop. Making. Cheese. Puns. After. Making. Out. With. A. Man.

“Being an adult is the worst.”

“Hi.” I blink at the crusty baguette gripped firmly in his hand.

“Someday, you’ll need that boy as much as he needs you now.”

and I resort to tossing sugar at him like it’s Holy Water. “No. Back, Hades.”

“I have the Nutella. I can do what I want.”

He just poured his heart out to you, asshat.

smirk. No. Bad. My Gene Kelly. Even if I don’t deserve him.

as great as a metaphor this is, Evie doesn’t share food.

Liam Kelly is terrible at receiving a compliment. He turns red, sputters, deflects, squirms, whatever he can to not acknowledge it. And because I am tired, and nettling Liam is my favorite pastime, especially when he’s tired and grumpy, I’m now showering him with them.

If Paris is the color of a café au lait, Portsmouth is a vintage pinot noir.

I just never imagined home would be a person.

I need something to keep me from breathing “I’m not pregnant. I just have a disease that makes it look like I am, and maybe as a society, we should stop commenting on stuff like that” fire on everyone who nears my dragon heart.

“Right, well, this has been the weirdest phone call from you. Congratulations on that.

Unfortunately, my filing system gets set on fire whenever Evie is around, so it’ll take two-to-never business days for me to process the information.

I’ve imagined our first kiss for way too long for it to be on a sweaty dance floor surrounded by people grinding on each other.

I could handle this information with maturity. But something about being next to this woman rarely inspires that feeling,

Which is why I’m a twenty-seven-year-old man pretending to date her when there’s no apparent advantage for me.

“People won’t buy you falling first, that’s all. So if you don’t want to get caught, we shouldn’t push it.” Sweetheart, I fell so long ago, you don’t even know. No, this isn’t okay. Why would anyone say this to her?

I consider murdering anyone who’s ever made Evie believe stuff like this, but I’m not sure about the French legal system, and I’d rather not become intimately acquainted with it.

Welp, French legal system, here comes me.

Since murder is frowned upon, I do the only thing I can in this position. Make Evie laugh and everyone else around me, confused.