Finding Gene Kelly

by Torie Jean

But men who read are a particular weakness of mine.

Most of the time, people are too uncomfortable with negativity and pain for honest answers. Wanting to fix it, fix me, they offer positivity and solutions, which become toxic in their frequency. I’m an optimistic person in my own way, but there’s a danger in forceful optimism and not recognizing reality. I exist in a state of perpetual pain, and I’ve had to accept that to survive—it’d be nice if others acknowledged and were okay with it. Otherwise, the guilt and anxiety of being “a downer” are put on me too.

“It is what it is,”

Yeah, endometriosis and my uterine fibroids put me at a higher risk for complications with my fertility. Sure, it meant it would probably be more challenging for me, the odds were lower, and I considered the possibility of infertility more than a person without these conditions would.

A sharp twinge tortures my left ovary—a quick stab and twist of a knife. I press in on that side and breathe, dropping my mask slightly. One. Two. It doesn’t go away, but I have a life to live, so I can only devote two seconds of my sanity to caring. There’s always a pain. Just some are more manageable than others.

I’ve had to learn to cope and surrender my energy reserves to ignoring them, since living life in the fetal position isn’t an option long-term.

None of this gets easier. I just have to get tougher.

the journey to diagnosis is degrading and doctors are typically assholes to you. And you have to keep on keeping on until you find the Unicorn Doctor, Magic Vagina Fairy, whatever name you prefer, who believes you and wants to help you get better and fights for you.

“Your little issue is still giving you problems, huh?” My incurable disease? Why yes, yes, it is.

After so many people in my life—doctors, family members, acquaintances, and alleged friends—told me my pain was mental, how could I not? Out of self-preservation, my body responded by blacking out whenever my blood pressure elevated to dangerous levels.