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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Debbie Mirza
The CN pits the others against each other without either of them noticing that the CN is the one creating the drama. Often, CNs will talk about how they hate drama and put others down for being “so dramatic.” The truth is that CNs create drama, but they do so in such a covert way the victims don’t notice.
If someone is talking badly about his wife, a healthy husband stands up for her and keeps it from her because he knows it will only cause her pain. That’s the last thing he wants her to feel because he loves her. I mention this to demonstrate what real love looks like compared to a CN triangulating.
Another tactic is where a CN will tell his new girlfriend stories of how terrible his ex was to him, how hurtful and difficult she was, how dramatic she was, how crazy she was.
The CN will often confide in people who barely know you. Then he or she will make sure you know they have been confiding in someone else and that this person agrees that everything is your fault and they should leave you.
Sometimes CNs will send you an email or phone message that is incredibly loving and kind. Then a few hours later, they will tell you what a horrible person you are. Relationships with CNs are filled with destructive mixed messages.
When you are with a CN, you can never win no matter what you do. They will never be fully satisfied with you. You will never be good enough in their eyes. They have to have something they can hold over you in order to control and manipulate you.
The “nice guy/gal” you were convinced you loved and who loved you back becomes someone you do not recognize and would never tolerate if you were to meet them today.
They will tell their new friend stories about you that will make this person feel so badly for them and encourage them to end the relationship with you. The new friends will support the CN and help them in any way they can. CNs will make sure and let you know their friend agrees with them.
CNs move on quickly to a new target, in many cases before the divorce. They will be with this person, but not tell their friends. It is important for them to look good and for their flying monkeys to still believe in them as the victim and feel sorry for them.
The CN will tell all kinds of stories about you, painting a picture to the new target of how awful you are. The new target feels sorry for the CN and becomes their new devotee.
Their flying monkeys will hear their distorted view of reality and see you as the horrible enemy who is causing all the pain.
What you did requires emotional fortitude, resiliency, and grit.
By filing the paperwork, you said no more. No more devaluing, no more demeaning, no more health issues, no more sexual confusion, no more psychological torment. No more lies, controlling, insults, and disrespect.
Most CNs are not interested in getting help. They are not interested in healing, and they do not think they have a problem. So for us to spend countless hours trying to figure out why they are the way they are isn’t helping them or us because there is no way of knowing for sure. We will just further exhaust ourselves, which after what we have been through, is the last thing we need.
“I felt depleted.” “I felt a lot of anxiety.”
“I felt lifeless, drained.”
“Low-level depression.” “I feel such deep grief like I’ve never felt before and I find myself crying uncontrollably at times.”
“I find it hard to date other people because I no longer trust ‘the nicest people.’ It’s also hard to trust myself to choose someone who is healthy. I doubt my own discernment because of everything I’ve been through.”
The truth is you were in love with an illusion, with the person they portrayed themselves to be.
