The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse (The Narcissism Series Book 1)

by Debbie Mirza

It’s terrifying when every part of your intuition is telling you something is really wrong, but the covert narcissist and everyone else are telling you that things are just fine, and implying that maybe you are the problem.

your loved one might be a narcissist? You’ve done some research, but are confused because the person you are wondering about doesn’t come across as a self-absorbed, arrogant, over-the-top person who fits the description of a narcissist?

One reason covert narcissists are so damaging is because of cognitive dissonance. This is when you have two competing thoughts in your mind. You love your mom, spouse, boyfriend, or girlfriend and thought they loved you the same. Yet when you look back, their behaviors make you question your beliefs about them. As you reflect, you begin to wonder, Could this person really have been controlling and manipulating me for years and I didn’t see it…or were things really my fault and I’m just overdramatizing my experience? You have a solid belief that has formed over years that this is a good person who cares about you, and at the same time, they are being incredibly cruel and controlling. The cognitive dissonance is dizzying and crazy-making. The overt types of narcissists are obvious, in-your-face people. They will let others know how great they are.

covert narcissists tend to be well-liked. They are charming and kind. They appear humble and empathetic. They can be good listeners and appear to really care. You can feel incredibly loved by them. They simultaneously make you feel terrible about yourself. They use cloaked tactics that you don’t see for years.

It is common for people to be in romantic relationships with covert narcissists for more than 10, 20, 30, or even 40 (plus) years and not recognize the abuse they have endured for decades.

He was continuously telling her all the things he believed were wrong with her and blaming her for making it impossible for their marriage to work.

Covert narcissists are likable to the outside world; they appear to be giving, humble, and kind. It is usually only the person who gets to know them intimately who sees the destructive traits. The rest of the world sees the façade, the “nice guy.”

Covert narcissists will do things that are unkind to you, but somehow you will end up apologizing. It’s not uncommon to feel like things are your fault. They aren’t doing anything wrong, you convince yourself. When you are with a CN, you learn to ignore your gut feelings, your instincts, and over time believe the narcissist more than yourself. You will come to realize that the CN has slowly programmed you to see things the way they want you to see them, and gave you messages about yourself they want you to believe so they could keep controlling and manipulating you into continuing to be their “supply.”

covert narcissists slowly break your spirit over time without you seeing it, and you end up feeling like you were the problem.

Love bombing happens at the very beginning. This is where the groundwork is laid for you to fully trust and believe in this person for years to come.

This idealization phase usually lasts between six months and a year.

He opened up to me about his abusive childhood. He was really honest and vulnerable. She was beautiful. Out of my league. I felt so lucky that she liked me.

They learn your vulnerabilities and insecurities. CNs make sure to build you up and compliment you in these areas. It can feel like they are part of your healing. They will later use what they learn about you to trigger you, manipulate you, control you, and wound you—it becomes the biggest betrayal you have ever felt.

When he would do things that weren’t kind or respectful, she would see him as a wounded man who never got the love he needed and would excuse his behavior over and over because of it. He used her sympathy to control and manipulate her for decades.

More in love with being married then being married to me

At the beginning of a relationship with a covert narcissist, you feel incredibly valued. Then you begin to experience little things, statements they make, looks they give that begin to demean and devalue you. It is all very subtle. Over a long period of time, you are given the message by someone you love and trust that you have no value, no matter what you do, no matter how kind you are, no matter how much you do for them, you will never ever be enough for them.

The confusing thing is that while you are being devalued, you are also experiencing kindness. You receive beautiful love letters, affection, and loving gestures. You continue to believe this is a good relationship, and your partner loves you.

The love-bombing phase is incredibly powerful to the psyche. The devaluing stage is mixed with many loving acts. That’s the incredibly confusing part.

You find yourself spending all your free time watching YouTube videos, reading books and articles, seeking answers, and trying to make sense of this dizzying treatment you are experiencing.

They are defensive and angry. Then they are calm and devoid of feelings.

The CN paints a picture of you that is not accurate, but they make you feel like it is. There are enough grains of truth mixed in with bizarre distortions of reality that make you wonder if they are right about you.

You don’t know what you are going to get from moment to moment.

The ironic thing is the CN usually initiates the end of the relationship, but it is often the survivor who actually files for divorce. The CN wants to be liked, to be seen as the victim, not the one who destroyed a family. They want people to feel sorry for them and see you as the one to blame. How they look to others is their top priority.

The thing you start noticing when you become aware of the issues with the CN is that most of what they say about you is actually a projection of what is true of them.

Covert narcissists will seek out a certain type of person for intimacy. They know what traits someone needs to have to be able to control and manipulate them. For instance, they wouldn’t be able to use their emotions and comments to manipulate if the person didn’t have empathy, compassion, and a nurturing heart. They wouldn’t be able to convince someone to take the blame for something that isn’t their fault if the person was not self-reflective.

CNs will blame them for things, and because survivors are people who look at themselves, they will be open to seeing if they are to blame. Often, the victim finds himself or herself thinking, There must be some truth to it. This person knows me. They live with me, so there might be something I need to change here. It’s difficult for targets to recognize how badly they are being treated and they often accept way more responsibility than is necessary or true.

CNs have a lot of rage inside them. They may not yell, or get violent, but you can feel their quiet rage. They mask it around others, but when you live with them, it can feel like being next to a dormant volcano that could erupt at any moment. Their rage controls the climate of the home and keeps people feeling like they are walking on eggshells. This is one way they maintain control of people close to them.

Narcissists are deeply unhappy people. They get jealous of you when you are experiencing life and happiness. They do not want you to be happy and strong, as those feelings threaten their ability to control you.

CNs don’t acknowledge their own issues. Instead, they project them onto you. This means you end up feeling guilt and shame for things that are not even your issues.

There is something else that happens, especially if you are empathic in a relationship with a CN. You find yourself feeling things that you later notice are gone after you don’t live with them anymore.

CNs are very passive. They put the responsibility on you to make sure they are happy and blame you when they’re not.

CNs will belittle you in ways that are indirect and sometimes not noticeable. There is an overall message from them that they know more than you and you are not doing it right.

Ironically, many CNs will talk about how they hate drama. They will put others down for being dramatic, even telling others how dramatic you are. Be aware that this is yet another projection.

The biggest indicator that someone is manipulating you is how you feel around that person. When you are with someone with pure intentions, you feel good about yourself. You feel strong. When you are being manipulated, you doubt yourself, you feel small, you see them as knowing more than you, and you feel mystified and out of sorts. These are red flags.

If you feel hopeless, joyless, bewildered, if you second-guess yourself a lot and question whether you are too sensitive, you might be a victim of gaslighting. If you can’t figure out why you are so unhappy when you have so much good in your life, you might be experiencing this type of manipulation. Maybe you find yourself making excuses for your parent or partner’s behavior to friends and family. These are all signs you might be experiencing gaslighting.

Often, CNs will talk about how they hate drama and put others down for being “so dramatic.” The truth is that CNs create drama, but they do so in such a covert way the victims don’t notice.

CNs do not respect you. They do not care about your feelings. They have a lot of rage and no empathy. They only care about themselves. This is the bottom line.

Intermittent reinforcement in the context of a relationship is when kindness and loving acts are not given consistently, but rather intermittently.

This conditions you to keep trying to please them in order to get the reward of love. It brings you to a place where you lower your standards so much that you become grateful for mediocre treatment that you never would have tolerated when you first met them. You end up believing you don’t deserve any better and that you are not worthy of love and affection. Or you think this is just what happens in marriages.

Many times victims think they are codependent because they act in ways that a codependent does, but the truth is that many victims I’ve met are not codependent. They have been manipulated in such a way that they behave in ways they normally wouldn’t. When they get out of these relationships and begin to see things clearly, they come back to themselves, and in fact become a much stronger version of their previous self.

CNs have a way of turning things around and making something your fault. They will emotionally wound you; then you will confront them about it. They will somehow end up making you feel badly about something, and you find yourself apologizing to them even though they were the one who hurt you. This is a common pattern victims experience.

CNs will throw strong statements at you that make no sense and have no basis in reality, but they speak in such a strong and convincing way it makes you consider things that are obviously false. Their accusations of you are almost as ludicrous as them saying you alone are responsible for the lack of affordable health care or the ice caps melting, and you take a moment to wonder if they are right. You do this because you have been manipulated for a very long time. You have been brainwashed, and that takes time to unravel. The accusations they will throw at you keep you spinning inside. You end up expending a lot of energy around these ridiculous statements because you have a hard time believing this person, whom you loved and trusted, is lying to you and manipulating you. It takes time to undo years of illusion and see the truth.

Radically contrasting messages are some of the most bizarre aspects of life with a CN.

Sometimes CNs will send you an email or phone message that is incredibly loving and kind. Then a few hours later, they will tell you what a horrible person you are. Relationships with CNs are filled with destructive mixed messages.

That is classic Patti

A CN will minimize your painful experience with them, which makes you doubt and question your own feelings and reality.

Many victims wonder if they are blowing things out of proportion, thinking their ex or parent or coworker is a CN. Women I talked to wonder if they are to blame and the CN was actually a great love who they will regret leaving. Many wonder if they, themselves, are narcissists. CNs will use your doubts against you, saying you are overly dramatic, too sensitive, you don’t take responsibility for yourself, you blame everyone instead, etc.

Most children of CN parents don’t realize one of their parents is a covert narcissist until they are in their thirties. I’ve noticed in my interviews that this age is a common time for awakening. It is a painful experience, but also validating.

Some CN parents are great with young kids until they reach an age where they think for themselves. That’s when the CN dad or mom begins to pull away. They will get more irritated and frustrated with their kids because they (the CNs) are no longer seen as amazing. The kids are no longer supplying their CN parent with adoration and attention like they did when they were younger and would run up to them excitedly yelling, “Daddy!” or “Mommy!”

All CNs are selfish at their core, so that is how they are as parents. They want their child’s attention and praise. Some CN parents will focus more time and love onto the “golden child” who gives them the most adoration. The CN parent will become frustrated and angry with the child who doesn’t want to “get into their world.” They will give them the silent treatment and punish them by withdrawing from them. The CN dad or mom will be kinder to the child who will listen to him or her, often the more sensitive, empathetic child who doesn’t want any conflict. The other child (or children) will be labeled as controlling, selfish, or manipulative by the parent.

The “golden child” is lavished on and treated with more kindness. This can seem like a nice thing for this child, but in fact it puts them in the position of trying to be perfect in order to keep that love and attention. They watch as their siblings are treated differently. They naturally want to keep that good feeling of being loved by their mom or dad, so they learn early on how they must behave to be treated with love. This sets them up for a life that is filled with the pressure of never being less than perfect in anything they do. It has been instilled in them that this is how they get people to love them and to keep their love and attention. They also don’t expect to be unconditionally loved, so often they choose partners who don’t treat them with consistent, pure love. They never feel good enough and can live with underlying despair and unhappiness for a long time.

Kelsey 😢