The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist: Recognizing the Traits and Finding Healing After Hidden Emotional and Psychological Abuse (The Narcissism Series Book 1)

by Debbie Mirza

Does your mother appear amazing to everyone else, but growing up you felt alone, found it hard to have your own identity, and you felt like things were always your fault? Did you feel like you walked on eggshells growing up with your dad and still find it hard to connect with him, but people have always told you how lucky you are to have a dad like yours?

Sometimes you are the only one who sees it when your siblings still think their dad or mom is amazing and blame you for a plethora of issues. You feel like you must be missing something and you start minimizing the abuse, yourself. If no one else sees it, it must be you who is the problem.

“What about your birthdays?” the therapist asked. “What were those like with him?” “They were awful. But the thing is I can’t tell you exactly why.” Amy’s face scrunched up in confusion. “He wasn’t mean to me. He always bought me gifts. Sometimes took me out to dinner. For some reason, though, I ended up crying on my birthdays and apologizing to him for something. I don’t even remember why now. Maybe not being appreciative enough? He would buy me things, but many times they were things I didn’t want. Then he would tell me a long story about how he found this gift and all the thought and effort that went into it, and I would feel like I needed to have a big reaction even though it was something I never would have wanted.

Oh my goooood

With CNs, it is all about them, but they know how to appear like it isn’t. For example, they despise taking care of you when you are sick or recovering from surgery or an injury. They won’t tell you that, but you feel it. They let you know through passive-aggressive ways. To family and friends, they will tell stories of how much they feel for you and appear to be taking exceptional care of you. They will come across as humble and will be sure to paint a picture of being a great caretaker. People around you will think how lucky you are to have someone so tender and loving by your side. The CN might even do things that look like they are taking care of you, but you will feel their resentment and will find yourself feeling alone and unsupported even though they are doing things that appear to be helpful.

The devaluing stage comes on subtly. They don’t call when they said they would. They don’t show up for appointments they’d agreed they would be at. Little acts that always come with excuses and send the target the message that they don’t matter. The CN will do things like invite you to dinner, then when you arrive, it feels like they don’t really want you there. You feel confused. They use the silent treatment to make you wonder if you are doing something wrong. A CN will control you through their moods, through looks they give you, through statements they make that may not seem like putdowns on the surface but make you feel badly about yourself. They will say nothing is wrong when it feels to you like something is wrong. During the devaluing phase, the victims are programmed to not trust themselves.

During the discard phase, you feel low about yourself. The CN paints a picture of you that is not accurate, but they make you feel like it is. There are enough grains of truth mixed in with bizarre distortions of reality that make you wonder if they are right about you. The CN also becomes more aggressive with their words and actions than you’ve seen before, but once again, you are the only one who sees this side of them. It is an incredibly conflicting time.

CNs have a lot of rage inside them. They may not yell, or get violent, but you can feel their quiet rage. They mask it around others, but when you live with them, it can feel like being next to a dormant volcano that could erupt at any moment.

They will say things like, “I am taking responsibility for my part of this, but you aren’t taking any.” This makes you wonder if it is true. You question yourself. Maybe I’m not. Am I? They throw curveballs at you all the time in order to deflect the truth that they are lying. They do it in a way that gets you spinning and self-doubting, so you don’t notice the lie. They are kings and queens of saying things that aren’t true, but they say them with such surety and confidence, it’s hard to doubt them. No wonder you end up doubting yourself with all the smoke and mirrors to keep you confused and under their control.

“Flying monkeys” are people in the narcissist’s life who act on their behalf. These are the CN’s biggest fans. They have a solid belief the narcissist is the victim, and that you are to blame for a multitude of things.

CNs will tell you mind-boggling stories that have no basis in reality. They will create these tales and accuse you of things that are not even close to the truth.

Instead of talking to you about it, they will go to a third party, someone whom they know will agree with them. The CN will often confide in people who barely know you. Then he or she will make sure you know they have been confiding in someone else and that this person agrees that everything is your fault and they should leave you.

Your brain was literally conditioned by the CN to stay with them because of the powerful hope of “maybe.”

“You blame me for everything because you won’t take any personal responsibility.”

CNs despise helping you when you are sick or in need of care, so they will subtly punish you during these times. Rebecca’s dad would become even more distant, moody, and angry when Rebecca got sick. She felt as if her dad was mad at her for not feeling well. He would make a big deal if he did anything to help his daughter and gave the clear message she was a huge burden without saying that directly to her.

The parent who is absent or uninvolved will connect with their kids if the conversation centers on a topic of interest to the CN parent. In those moments, the child feels loved, but it doesn’t last. The CNs won’t engage in what the child needs. They do not know their children and are not aware of their needs. They may know them on a surface level, but don’t take the time to really get to know them on a deeper level.

The “golden child” is lavished on and treated with more kindness. This can seem like a nice thing for this child, but in fact it puts them in the position of trying to be perfect in order to keep that love and attention. They watch as their siblings are treated differently. They naturally want to keep that good feeling of being loved by their mom or dad, so they learn early on how they must behave to be treated with love. This sets them up for a life that is filled with the pressure of never being less than perfect in anything they do. It has been instilled in them that this is how they get people to love them and to keep their love and attention.

Mom CNs often act like martyrs. Allie’s mom would do normal mom things, such as make dinner, but would make a big deal of it, causing Allie to feel a lot of guilt. There is intense underlying manipulation that makes children feel so much guilt and shame. They blame themselves a lot and feel like they are responsible for how their CN parent feels.

Her mom still belittles her and tells her how “concerned” she is about choices Rhonda is making. “Have you thought about this, Rhonda? I’m just really concerned that you’re going to get hurt. I can tell you don’t know exactly what you’re doing. Can I fix your hair for you? It would look so much nicer if you grew it out.”

“The psychopath (psychopaths and narcissists have similar traits) will often use word salad in an attempt to keep your mind occupied. Basically, it’s a conversation from hell. They aren’t actually saying anything at all; they are just talking to you. Before you can even respond to one outrageous statement, they’re already on to the next. You’ll be left with your head spinning.”

Here is the conclusion I have personally formulated: we don’t really know for sure why they abuse, and it doesn’t really matter.

“I felt like I was too quiet, too loud, too opinionated, too strong, too lazy, too picky, and not easygoing enough.”

“I felt like I was too emotional, too sensitive, too much for her.”

“I feel like I am always bracing myself for the next angry phone call, email, or text from him. I have symptoms of PTSD like flashbacks, depression, anxiety, withdrawal, emotional numbing, reliving different events, and feelings of guilt and shame.”

I want you to know that no matter what you did or think you could have done, there is no way this relationship could have thrived.

CNs, whether they are parents, spouses, or coworkers, give out the same messages: “Something is wrong with you, and you will not be able to make it in this world without me.” The covert narcissist with whom you lived or worked wanted you weak. It was the only way they could control you.

Silent rage Lying Hoovering Constant criticism

They project their own issues onto you Their words don’t match their actions

They are emotionally di...

They withhold praise and recognition They sabotage birthdays, holidays, vacations, and meaningful dates

They are self-focused and emotionally immature There are always strings attached They use people They are dizzying conversationalists They create drama

They create stories in their head They have no desire to know you