The Canary Cowards

by Jescie Hall

“The Canary Cowards.”

“The Canary Cowards,” he repeats.

“I brush off the hard shit because I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to deal with it because then it's real. It's not right. It's not healthy what I'm doing. I just…” He stalls looking around the room, trying to find the words to convey his torture. “I just don't know how to deal with it yet. I can’t process it because I’m not ready to, alright?”

We need someone to share our struggles, our pains, and our stories with before they swallow us whole. We’re all cowards, as Colin so elegantly put it.

“He's just never met anyone like me,” Colin says in his monotone voice. “He doesn't know how to react. I'm not normal people and he knows it. They always know.”

He has no idea how much this moment will change me. Shit, I have yet to understand it. I swallow down my fears that seem a little easier to handle now. A few simple words from a man who's anything but simple.

Is there something I don't know? Is he withholding the truth from me?

glance up at Lake as I pass him and am met with an emotionless man staring off into the distance.

“It's more than that. You love him fiercely. You protect him. You're as selfless as they come, Dylan, and that's not something anyone can teach you or something you can even learn on your own. It’s just who you are.”

“He'll need time, but he'll find his way back. Back to what really matters,” she whispers knowingly. “We always do, you know?”

“I can't work with you anymore, Dylan,” he interrupts.

“So I get fired, and you get a new therapist. That's that, huh?”

“I have to step away, Dylan.”

“My focus hasn't been where it should be. I need to keep my attention on getting back to what I do best, and you need to focus on your career and Colin. I think we can both agree, this just...got too messy.”

“You didn’t let her choose, did you? You let her go before she could leave you. Because, God forbid, another amazing, selfless woman slips away from you.” I can’t breathe. His sentence is filled with so much honesty and truth that it hurts. It hurts in places I didn’t know I could hurt. Places that have never felt such a void.

“I mean, what would Ross do?” he says. “Ross?” I contort my face. “Yeah, man. Ross. You know, he was obsessed with Rachel, always feeling as if he wasn’t good enough for a girl like her. But they were endgame, my dude. Endgame.”

“Why do you think, Dylan?” He smirks at me. “He’ll do whatever he can to stay close to you while you’re still here. Even if it means using me.”

But what he doesn’t understand is that he’s what makes me better.

“I’m insanely proud of you, Dyl. You accomplished so much, and with everything you do for Colin, I’m just blown away. Truly. Be proud of yourself and believe that you deserve this,” Ashton continues.

“Tell me I can love you the way I need to in order to breathe,” he whispers his demands like he does. “Tell me you’ll let me back in.”

“I love you, Dylan,” he says with a heavy sigh, his pained eyes trained on mine. “Tell me I’m lucky enough for you to love me back.”