The Canary Cowards

by Jescie Hall

Behind closed doors, out of the view of the public eye, we've basically solidified this strange sort of secret relationship.

He always waits for me to break the barrier, to open the floodgates for him. And dammit if this rush of Lake doesn't break them all every time.

I met her castle. And now I've effectively sealed the gates myself.

I wish this was easier. That our histories didn't hold us back.

But the reality is we are two different people, and sometimes our pasts just don't align to build stable, structured futures.

can't love him until I know him. All of him.

“I brush off the hard shit because I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to deal with it because then it's real.

“As long as there's no spice. I don't want to fart in front of your mom. No farts in front of mom. No spice, Lake,”

“Believe it or not, I had nothing to do with this. Her dream. Her house.”

The strongest, most resilient person I've ever known is fading into nothing.

“He doesn't know how to react. I'm not normal people and he knows it. They always know.”

“It's better when you get to say goodbye.”

Such an amazing soul, trapped in this shell that society tells us to separate from the rest of us.

I realize I've slipped. Slipped and fallen so hard there's no getting up.

This pain he's holding? I want to take it on as my own. I want to be everything he needs, especially now, because I understand him. It's so complicated, yet so simple.

It makes me sad for all the wasted kisses out there that aren't this kind. So many wasted kisses.

“It's more than that. You love him fiercely. You protect him. You're as selfless as they come, Dylan, and that's not something anyone can teach you or something you can even learn on your own. It’s just who you are.”

“I had a hard time with it all, knowing he'd be alone. Feeling as if I’m leaving him. But after today, Dylan, after meeting you and Colin…”

“He'll fight you, you know. Find reasons to assume he's not good enough to fit into your world. Not worthy of another woman who sacrifices herself for others.

“You're different, Lake! You said you'd take me any way you could get me! You told me what you wouldn't do was let me go! You made promises!”

“My focus hasn't been where it should be. I need to keep my attention on getting back to what I do best, and you need to focus on your career and Colin. I think we can both agree, this just...got too messy.”

There's something you aren't telling me. I know what you're doing. You don't want to walk away. Tell me you don't want to walk away,”

“Don't make this mistake,” I cry out. “Don't push me away to protect me.”

My heart still wants him. The worry that it will never change is what haunts me.

keep hold of him, wishing I could put this broken man back together, but losing a parent doesn’t allow fixing.

And tonight, it’s just two shattered souls who’ve lost the fight to need someone.

“I’ll always be your home, Lake.”

“I-I’m not mad at him, Pickle. I’m not mad. Colin is not angry with him. H-he helped you. He helped you when Colin lost it. He helped you.”

“Just another flat. A flat. Trust the team.”

I began this journey back to the field for my love of one woman and have made it here because of the love of two.

“Tell me I can love you the way I need to in order to breathe,”

This line

“I’ll love you every lap, Lake. When we’re in the lead at the peak of our race, and when we crash into the fence, burning into nothing but shattered pieces and flames. I’ll love you through it all because you’ve always been part of my team. Our team.”

I thought Colin was the best big brother, but it turns out he’s an even better uncle.