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Kindle Notes & Highlights
by
Maren Moore
Read between
September 20 - September 21, 2023
The girl who considers black and purple the only primary colors on the color wheel.
same girl
I’m just kind of… me. And I already know that I’m not everyone’s cup of tea. Honestly, I’m probably more like kombucha if I had to categorize myself. Bitter at first taste but then slowly starts to grow on you after you hold your nose and force it down.
It just seems much easier to talk about than it actually is to do it. Putting yourself out there, forgetting the things that hold you back. Pretending you’re not scared that the world will reject you for being yourself.
He has that effect about him, walking into a room and stealing everyone’s attention and the ability to breathe.
for as long as I can remember, I’ve been harboring a small… innocent little crush on my best friend’s older brother, and it’s a secret that I’ll likely take to my grave. Because Lane Collins would never look my way.
It’s impossible not to notice how perfectly defined his chest is and how the muscles in his arms flex and ripple every time he moves.
I want to be more than a wallflower. I want to spread my wings and fly. Grow into the person I’m meant to be. Find out who I really am. You know, all the important things.”
“Anyone who is lucky enough to be a part of your universe will know exactly what they have from the moment you walk in.” And just like that, it hits me why it is that Eli Collins has always been the rock in my life. Because he makes me feel like I’m the best version of myself.
Reminder to self: next time Vivienne suggests we go big or go home… I go home. Literally. Leave and go back to the safety of my house.
I’m tired. Not just from staying out far later than any reasonable woman still in her teens, but tired of… this. This inexperienced, completely incompetent around the opposite sex feeling. I’m tired of the awkward fumbling and stuttering when a guy so much as looks my way. I’m tired of it hanging over my head and feeling like a weight that I have to carry. I’m tired of fading into the background, like I’m not really here at all. Never really being seen. I just… want to feel empowered. I want to feel sexy. To feel wanted. And I don’t want to have to question myself a million different ways or
...more
do you know how hard it is to get a man of the opposite sex to look past my quirkiness, to actually want to sleep with me? And I just… I just feel like it’s hanging over my head, you know? Like, I’m an eighteen-year-old virgin who’s never even been kissed.
My little brother’s best friend is the one thing in the world that I can’t have, no matter how badly I want her. No matter how badly I’ve wanted her for years. She’s beautiful, and kind, and one hundred percent off-limits.
I feel like I’m trying to figure out who I am without being Lane Collins, number 22. All-star pitcher. Campus god.
I didn’t need him to tell me that because I already knew every single word of it. Why do you think I’m so hesitant to pursue her? Even though I’ve had feelings for her since we were young. Because she’s good, and I’m scared I’ll dirty her up. I’m scared that I’ll fuck shit up and it will come between our families. Even if it’s just the arrangement she proposed.
She may have meant to ask Eli to fulfill her proposal, but too fucking bad because she asked me, and I haven’t been able to sleep since.
She’s the most awkward person I’ve ever met, and yet I’ve never felt drawn to a girl the way that I am her. Her big, blue doe eyes. The baggy T-shirts even do it for me, and as fucked as that sounds, I want to strip them off her and see all of her that she hides away.
As much as I like being the bad brother, I don’t want to be when it comes to this. I’m always going to be the gentleman when it comes to her.
even though there’s distinctly a time before and now after the proposal, my thoughts about Hallie have always been the same. I’ve wanted her since we were in high school. I just never acted on it. Not until now.
If you didn’t know who Hallie Edwards was when you walked into this room, you’d know precisely the girl she was when leaving. Smart, and interesting with the best taste in music. Fucking beautiful. So beautiful that the moment she walks into a room, she commands attention. All eyes on her.
I grab a pillow from the bed and toss it onto the floor, then lie down on the cold hardwood. Not how I expected to spend my Friday night, but if it means looking after Hallie, then there’s nowhere else I want to be.
God, why is he so handsome the moment he opens his stupid, perfect eyeballs? Who looks that hot the moment they wake up?
“I know your proposal wasn’t meant for me, Hal, but here’s the thing… it went to the wrong brother, and I’m sure as fuck not letting it go. You asked me, and I’m taking you up on your offer.”
Because the truth is, sure, she thought her damn proposal went to the wrong Collins brother, but little did she know it went to the right brother. There’s no one else in this damn house putting their hands on Hallie Edwards unless it’s me. I’ll make sure of it. I’ve spent years wishing that I was the brother she wanted, and now that I know her true feelings, that she has no inclination to actually want Eli, it’s game over.
“All of it. Don’t compare yourself to anyone, Hallie. You’re fucking perfect, and I don’t want to hear you say shit like that ever again.”
You can come up with as many excuses as you want in your head, like this went to me instead of Eli like it was intended or that I’m ‘me,’ whatever the hell that means, but you can’t take it back. Not when all I’ve been able to think about for the last week is what it would be like to have you.”
“You have no idea how good it can be, how powerful sex can make you feel, how good I could make you feel.”
I want to do this because I’m attracted to you, and why not?” I bring my thumb to her lower lip and drag it over the soft flesh. The barest of touches. “You got your signature, and now you’ve got me.”
“Your first kiss isn’t going to be this, Hallie. It’s going to be when you come to me, when you know without a shadow of a doubt that this is what you want. When you give yourself to me. When I can give you a first kiss that you’ll never forget, the one that ruins you for everyone else after me. You know where to find me if you decide that’s what you want.”
His eyes darken and zero in on me as if I’m the singular object in the room. They trace down my body, and I can practically feel the movement. It takes hold of me and causes my entire body to feel on fire. With just a singular stare.
His words are low and have a gravelly timbre that I feel in the pit of my stomach, tugging, pulling, catapulting me into his orbit even more than I ever was before this moment. It feels strange for someone to have so much control over another person without even touching them.
“I want you to take my virginity. I want you to teach me.” The words are barely a whisper, but they register, and the look on his face morphs into something entirely different. Something that has my chest rising and falling faster and my heart pounding even harder.
You’re not ready, Hallie. And make no mistake, there’s nothing I would rather do than strip you bare beneath me. Not a single fucking thing,” he says as he slides his hand into my hair, his thumb brushing along my cheekbone, “But my rule? We don’t rush anything. When I think you’re ready, then we’ll move forward. Sex should be natural. It’s not us scheduling it and making it happen mechanically. It’s much more than that, Hallie. It’s about truly knowing another person and you feeling comfortable doing it. So, we’re going to hang out, get to know each other better.”
“Thank you for trusting me with something as special as this, Hallie. I promise I’ll take care of you.”
As I walk back to my room, ambling down the hallway with the feel of his hands still burning on my body, I realize that I don’t think I made a mistake giving that proposal to the wrong brother. I think it was the right thing all along.
I have plans for Hallie’s first kiss, and it’s not right here. Not when my brother or Viv could walk in and ruin the moment. She deserves more than that, and I’m going to give it to her.
I know that I want all of Hallie’s firsts, and I’m not stopping until I’ve got every single one of them.
I allow myself only a few moments to drink her in, everything about her. The frizzy, untamable curls that she’s constantly pushing out of her face. The freckles scattered along the bridge of her nose to her cheeks and the pink, rosy color of her full lips. Lips that I can’t fucking wait to taste. Things that I’ve always noticed but never given myself the freedom to think of as mine.
“Hallie?” She drags her gaze back to mine, her thick dark lashes framing her wide eyes. “When it comes to you? I want to know all of it.” “O-okay then.” She doesn’t realize what I mean by that yet. But she will.
In the middle of his baseball field, soaked from head to toe, I get my first kiss from the only boy I ever wished it would be. Lane Collins is kissing me.
it’s at that moment that I realize my first kiss is nothing like I imagined it would be. There’s no awkwardness. No fumbling, clashing of teeth, bumping noses, or anything you’d expect with your very first kiss. It’s out of this universe better. A whole different galaxy. The kind of kiss that you read about in romance novels and watch in a quintessential nineties rom-com. Except it’s my life, and the jock that’s holding my face in his hands like I’m precious is Lane.
How anyone could ever beat this kiss, this moment, I don’t know. All I do know is that if this is what I’ve been missing out on? Then I’ll spend forever kissing Lane Collins.
Viv pleads, shooting Reese a look that could quite actually kill. He sends her a wink back. “Baby, you’d look good in anything. Especially orange.” With another smirk, followed by a lovesick sigh, he bats his eyelashes dramatically. “I just keep falling more in love every time she denies me.”
We’re standing in a room full of people, and yet, somehow, he makes me feel like it’s just the two of us. Everything else is drowned out, and the only thing that exists is us and how we feel as we move together. It’s unnerving—the feeling of being disarmed by someone so easily, so effortlessly. I’m not sure he even realizes it.
With only the feel of his hands on my body and his lips against mine, he makes me feel cherished, wanted in a way I never thought I’d ever experience.
“How do you do that? Ugh, like… read me so easily?” His fingers come to my chin, tipping my gaze back to him when I try to avert it. “You wear every single emotion on your face. If you’re thinking something you don’t want anyone else to know, your cheeks are tinted pink, and it makes me wonder if that flush is just there or other places too.” I swallow, my throat thick. He has this ability to see right through me, more than anyone I know besides maybe Eli. It’s unnerving.
“Trust me when I say there is nothing in this world sexier than you are, Hallie Edwards, and there is nothing more that I want right now than to watch you come.
I need to clear my head. I need to breathe without it feeling like the world is sitting on top of my chest. Hallie: Currently? In the production room on campus… why? Because I can’t fucking breathe, and the only way I can is with you. My fingers hover over the screen, and I respond: Me: I need you.
her. I fucking needed this. To just… touch her. To be close to her. To breathe her in. The pressure in my chest lessens when she’s
Why did you need me? Of all people.” Part of me is even more afraid to admit out loud that the one place I wanted to run… the one person I wanted to run to… Is her. “Because Hallie… you’re the only person that I feel like me around.”
“When I was sitting in that restaurant with my family, it felt like the walls were actually closing in on me. Like each second that passed, they got closer and closer, and it got harder and harder to breathe. My chest felt tight. I just… I had to get out of there, and the only thing I wanted was… you.”
