Still Beating

by Jennifer Hartmann

Believe it or not, Cora, I do fucking care about you.

I dream about the ocean again. The water is lapping at my toes, pulling me in like a magnet. Beckoning me with its depth and mystery. Tempting me with its lifeforce. I jump in. And I swim away.

We have returned to our former positions. But as sticky warmth drips down my thighs and Dean’s tears mingle with the sweat on my skin, I know we are not the same. We will never be the same again.

He pushes his hand against the crown of my breast, but not in a sexual way. He sighs so deep it resonates right through me. “It’s still beating,” he whispers, his words a soft kiss against my lips. “As long as it’s beating, you’re okay.”

We stand there, hand-in-hand, watching as EMTs and police officers move towards us like a slow-motion movie. I hold onto him. He’s still my lifeline. He’s still all I have. We’re in this together.

The moment our relationship or friendship or whatever the fuck we were was stripped down to bare bones and raw truths and more questions than we’ll ever have answers to.

It was only three weeks, but it’s burned into every cell, every vein, every tainted pocket of my soul. Forever. And so is she. * * * I break down

“You can lie to yourself all you want, but I was there. I know you felt it. And I’m not saying I understand it, or can explain it, or know what the fuck to do about it, but it was something, Corabelle.”

There are no vices or excuses or things to blame except ourselves and the confusing feelings that have burrowed inside our hearts. And while there are still so many questions swimming around my brain, I finally feel like I have an answer to one of them. I know what I have to do.

“I’ve got you,” I whisper into her hair. “Always.” She can pretend to hate me. If it diminishes even a fraction of her pain, she can fucking pretend all she wants. But I know it’s love… it has to be, because if this isn’t love… Then I’m certain it does not exist.

But this is anything but soft. This is rough and raw and dirty, and we’re animals clawing at each other, biting, all primal growls and desperate thrusts. It’s fitting, I decide. After all, we were created in darkness. It’s in our blood.

Dean is like the ocean. Compelling, calling to me, within reach… So much magic. So much beauty. Something I want with every aching layer of my soul. But I’m that little girl again, frozen in the sand, afraid of the dark waters in front of me. There’s so much uncertainty. There’s so much I can’t see. I’m scared I’ll lose myself to the tumultuous waves and drift away, barely treading above water, hardly able to breathe.

My whole life I’ve been terrified of the ocean. I’ve been scared of being dragged down into a cold, dark sea, swallowed by waves, clutching my chest and gasping for air. But this sea is not made of water. And maybe drowning is the only way out.

You can’t tiptoe around your heart in fear of pissing people off or hurting their feelings. Sometimes we need to be a little selfish in order to avoid a life of complacency.”

“I wish you fought for me as hard as you fought to get out of that basement.”

Maybe love is singing her favorite song in the dark, just so she can sleep. Maybe love is giving away the shoes on your feet to help keep her warm. Maybe love is coming over in the middle of the night when the power goes out because you know she’s afraid of the dark. And maybe love is walking away because it’s the only way she’ll find the light again.

Love is so many things I never thought about, never expected, never knew… and one of those things is being the best version of yourself you can possibly be, no matter how many obstacles stand in your way. No matter how dark, how hard, or how painful the road to recovery may be. No matter how many blows or setbacks try to drag you back down into the mud. We can’t give our heart to another without loving our own first. And that’s exactly what I plan to do.

that was me fighting for you. That was me fighting for your healing, your joy, your smile, your laughter… your beautiful, broken spirit. I never stopped fighting for you and I never will.”