Sincerely, Secretary of Doom (High Court of the Coffee Bean, #2)

by Jennifer Kropf

“I know I fell fast and hard, and I turned to a complete fool for you, Katherine,” he said, and an unexpected patter rose in Kate’s chest, “but fairies fall in love fast. It’s how we are. And it certainly doesn’t mean my feelings for you aren’t real. I want you to be mine forever. I want to take care of you for Grandma Lewis—” “Wait… is this an actual proposal?!” Kate asked. “—and if you say no, I will hunt you to the ends of the human realm until I change your mind. I will appear in your dreams and nightmares, and I will put an enchantment on every instrument in this entire land so that each song you hear for the rest of your human life will make you think of me.” Cress stood and gazed into her eyes. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a wooden ring with tiny branches wrapping a dark blue gemstone. “Marry me, Human. Immediately.”

Even after all the years that had existed in the universe, men still failed to understand that the way to win a woman’s heart was to provide her with endless snacks. A hungry woman was the beginning of all life’s problems. Kate sighed. “Well, I guess I can’t argue with all those threats,” she said.

“We,” Cress whispered, moving in while staring at her lips, “shall have—” he tilted her chin up so their mouths were almost touching “—seventeen childlings.” Heat filled Kate’s stomach, and she tore back. “What?” “Fine. Sixteen,” he said. “But I won’t negotiate for less than that. My powerful bloodline must be carried on.” He smiled, but not quite in the way that assured her he was joking, more in the way like he was imagining seventeen pointy-eared children running through the café.

hahahahaha

“In this army, feelings don’t belong. Once you are a Shadow Warrior, there is no love. There is no care. There is no hope of finding a mate, ever. You will be marked to be eternally alone, but we will all be alone in war together.”

“I already told you I’m nothing of the sort. You’ve been reading too many fictional books written by humans. If you like those sorts of stories, I can recommend a few that’ll keep you awake for hours when you want to sleep,”

“Where in the world did you just take me?” Violet asked as Mor guided her down the sidewalk. “A knitting club of pompous, crabby females.

“They’re giving me an extra-icy shoulder because I hid an enchanted cricket in their store a while back. It chirped for seventeen days without ceasing. It nearly drove them faeborn mad when they couldn’t find it.” A shadow of a smile crossed his face, seeming to ease his mood.

Once upon some faeborn years ago,

meh this could have been presented better

“I wanted to read today,”

Don't we all lol

“If you’re going to call me Doom, then I’m going to call you Paint-Face,” he stated. “Paint-Face?” Violet released an odd chuckle. “Why?” “Because of the colourful paint you put on your face. The peach cream, the rosy lip stain, the black ink on your lashes,” he rattled off as he reached the bottom of the stairs and headed toward the kitchen.

“Remember that time you fired a flaming arrow right into that fool’s open mouth while he was shouting—” “Out!” Kate stood and began collecting the cards. She yanked Dranian’s right out of his hand. No one moved. “No more ‘warm beast milk’ for any of you. Sleep on the street tonight for all I care! You’re not allowed in this café tonight!” “But—” “Humans only!” Kate pointed at the door, and four disgruntled fairies slowly lifted from their seats.

“Tell her to mind her own human business. Tell her it’s brothers before lovers and all that.” Mor rolled his head to glance at Cress. “I don’t think that’s how the human expression goes.” “It is. Kate’s-brother-Greyson said it,” Cress said. It took Mor a moment of thinking before he spoke again. “I think it’s bros before hoes. I heard Greyson say it also.” Cress’s face scrunched. “Hoes? What are hoes?” Mor shrugged. “It must be how human males refer to their women.” Cress was quiet for a long while, nodding and thinking that over.

“Is he your boyfriend?!” Zorah asked. She hadn’t looked away from Mor yet. She batted her eyelashes, making the mood weird. Violet glanced back at the fairy to find a small, egotistical smile on his face. “Don’t be so flattered, you tattletale vampire,”

“How long has this food fight been going on?” Violet asked, eyeing the tea stains and spongy macaron splatters smearing the windows. “It’ll end soon. It’s going to rain any minute. They’ll give up and go inside to save their ugly knitted vests.”

“Queensbane, Mor is going to kill me,” he muttered. Seemingly out of nowhere, he leaned in and gave her a strong, swoon-worthy kiss. Violet gasped as he pulled himself off, leaving behind traces of warmth on her mouth. She blinked away all she’d felt for Luc a moment ago, and she stared at Shayne—at the pure diamond-white of his hair. At his crisp, blue eyes.

Violet was grabbed. She shrieked as her body was turned. She faced Luc again—was kissed by him, again.

“You want to stay together?” she asked in a small voice. “Yes. You belong to me now,” Mor promised. “You’re mine, Violet Miller.”

Mor shoved the whole thing into his mouth. He smiled around the pastry when Violet’s face lit up. He chewed a little. He stopped. His face warped, and he tried not to cough. Was that… salt he tasted? A cough slipped out, and he covered it up with his fist. Was that some sort of crushed grass flavour? He forced a wide smile over the glob of rot in his mouth. It was the human realm’s worst mud mixed with the taste of horror and misery. “Mmmm,” he said. Violet sat up straighter. “Do you really like it?” She grinned. Mor stared her dead in the eyes for a second. “Mhm.” He grunted the sound out, but he gagged a little, and Violet’s face changed.

She glanced at the plate of muffins. “Is there something wrong with them?” she asked, and Mor’s hand flashed out to the plate. He dragged the whole platter toward himself before she could take one, and he forced himself to swallow the fungus—he felt it slide all the way down his throat like a rock in sticky mud. “They’re so good, I want them all,” he declared, hugging the plate to himself. “And I’m faeborn starving.” “Mor, let me try one,” Violet demanded. She glanced to the female intern beside Mor. “Can you grab one for me?” But Mor shook his head and yanked the platter away when the young female tried to reach for one. The intern got a determined look on her face and tried again, and it was then that Mor jumped to his feet and exited the kitchen with a dozen garbage-worthy muffins pressed against his chest.

Shayne bit into his muffin. Violet walked away to the sound of Shayne choking. She heard a pronounced spitting sound. She smiled and took a sip of her mocha as she reached her seat, not looking back. “What sort of crossbeast feces is this?!” she heard Shayne whisper to Mor. Mor’s low, quiet voice of warning sailed to Violet’s ears. “You are going to eat that, and you are going to pretend you love it, or I’ll slay you where you sit,” he articulated to the white-haired fairy.

Cress released a loud sigh. “You shameless hoes,” he said, shaking his head—Violet nearly spat her mocha. Cress pointed between himself and Mor with his pen.

“What did you just call us?” Kate glared across the table. “Hoes,” Cress answered. He looked up and almost dropped his pen at the look on her face. Mor didn’t see it though. “Hoes. As in bros before hoes,” he added, articulating so that she might understand. Cress’s hand flashed out to Mor’s arm, stopping Mor from continuing to educate all the stupid humans in the room. Violet was astounded she wasn’t the first to squeak out a laugh. Shayne took the gold medal for not-keeping-it-together when he burst out laughing, tumbled from his seat, and turned into a basket case on the floor.

“Why does that human want to marry you?” “I’m strong, and powerful, and sometimes, I’m even adorable!” Cress called after him. “You’re spoiled, you think you’re the best at everything, and you’re completely blind to your own weaknesses. I’d have told you that years ago if I didn’t think you’d cut out my tongue for it,”

Cress sighed and shook his head. “Well, I did a rather exceptional cooking show yesterday, and I invited all my human subjects—” “Subscribers,” Mor corrected. “—to our café to try my latest cupcake recipe. Unfortunately, Dranian mucked up the enchantment, and all who ate my delicious cupcakes were hit with unstoppable, raging diarrhea,” Cress said. “It was an absolute mess, Mor. You can’t even imagine.” “That’s horrifying.” Mor hid a smile. “So, we shut down for the rest of the day. Shayne’s been having nightmares anyway and wanted to catch up on sleep,” Cress finished, and Mor raised a brow. “Nightmares?” Mor wanted to ask how he hadn’t heard about this until now.

Shayne sighed. “Don’t be so territorial, Mor. I’m Violet’s master, so technically she’s my human—” Mor pushed Shayne over the rail and into the harbour.