Sincerely, Secretary of Doom (High Court of the Coffee Bean, #2)

by Jennifer Kropf

Even after all the years that had existed in the universe, men still failed to understand that the way to win a woman’s heart was to provide her with endless snacks. A hungry woman was the beginning of all life’s problems.

“I just told you; it was a simple scare tactic. I merely growled a little. Broke a few non-valuable things. Ripped a cookie from his mangey paws and flung it at the window and all that.”

In the grand scheme of things, one should always carry at least six pens for emergencies. One to write down a great article idea, a witness quote, or to keep track of the facts. Another as a spare in case the first one runs out of ink. And the third, fourth, fifth, and sixth… Well, these spares can be useful tools for stabbing in self-defence should one find themselves facing certain death.

“They’re giving me an extra-icy shoulder because I hid an enchanted cricket in their store a while back. It chirped for seventeen days without ceasing. It nearly drove them faeborn mad when they couldn’t find it.”

Instead, Mor left venom petals in the fox’s drinking goblet that sent Luc into unpredictable fits of stomach pain and fairy gas for three days.

Cress smooshed his hand over her face and pushed her backward. “Yuck,” he stated. Kate gasped. “Yuck?!” “Yes. Yuck. Your antics repulse me. If you think you can lure me into an enchantment to get me to go to bed against my will, you’re out of your human mind, Katherine Lewis.”

“No more ‘warm beast milk’ for any of you. Sleep on the street tonight for all I care! You’re not allowed in this café tonight!” “But—” “Humans only!”

Shayne sprang over to Violet and yanked her out of the crossfire, nudging her back into the café ahead of him. He shook crumbs out of his hair as he came in. Then he declared to the room, “I’m tapping out.” Dranian nodded from the counter. He removed his apron and walked by without a word, grabbing a tray of pudding cups on his way out to the street. Violet watched as Dranian started throwing them at the knit-covered women, splattering the bug-eyed glasses girl right in the mouth.

By the café door, Lily tugged on her police vest. She pushed the door open a crack and yelled, “Coming out!” All the fairies on both sides of the road paused, lowering their arms and their dessert ammunition. Lily walked down the sidewalk, nodding ‘good morning’ to one of the gaping neighbours as she passed. The second she was out of range, the macarons and pudding began flying again.

“Oh, this is nothing. You should have seen the snowball fight we started with them back in February when they first moved in across the road.”

Cress pointed with his fairsaber at a picture across the room depicting a human female with an elongated skull from a distant kingdom called Ancient Egypt. “Look at that, Mor. There are humans with weird heads.”

“What sort of crossbeast feces is this?!” she heard Shayne whisper to Mor. Mor’s low, quiet voice of warning sailed to Violet’s ears. “You are going to eat that, and you are going to pretend you love it, or I’ll slay you where you sit,” he articulated to the white-haired fairy.

“Kate and I will be living upstairs after the wedding. I’m invoking the human right of dibs,”

“You shameless hoes,”

He was sure someone was going to put an end to the long list of traditions King Shayne was forcing their High Court to adopt, especially since Shayne had designated himself eight birthdays a year, and the rest of the High Court only got one.

It was settled then. Shayne was going to lose his tongue.

Shayne jogged over and threw an arm around Violet’s shoulders, smooshing Mor’s arm beneath his. Mor shoved Shayne’s arm right back off. Shayne sighed. “Don’t be so territorial, Mor. I’m Violet’s master, so technically she’s my human—” Mor pushed Shayne over the rail and into the harbour.