A Royally Inconvenient Marriage

by Pippa Grant

If reincarnation is real, I hope I come back as a rhinoceros. Nobody fucks with a rhinoceros. You get to eat as much as you want and nobody calls you fat because if they do, you’ll sit on them and squash the fuck out of them. Plus, if you get lucky and live in a zoo, it’s all swimming and sunning all day long, and if you have delinquent relatives, well, you also have a horn to shove up their asses.

Character is formed in childhood. I was born at an advantage in a world that forgives little and remembers wrongs long after it has forgotten rights, merely because of the chance of to whom I was born.

Or try to dry-hump him again, which my baser instincts beg for as soon as I get a whiff of that royal bodyguard cologne he always wears. It’s a mix of the scent of muscles, wool, and bad ideas.

“Don’t make his life difficult,” he says shortly. No threats. No promises. No smile either, though, which makes his words every bit a threat and a promise. If I make Viktor’s life difficult, someone will make sure mine is as well.

there’s that way he has of watching a person that never fails to make you wonder if he’s imagining you naked, chained up, or locked behind bars in an orange jumpsuit.

Dimples are dangerous. I can pass on the six-packs and the tattoos, but the dimples—fuck me, I think I just ovulated.

I don’t sleep with men more powerful than me anymore. Someone has hurt her. Someone has hurt her badly. ‘Tis in my nature to need to know who, and to right the wrong. Even if my task is for a woman who will never appreciate it.

Tis always best to be underestimated by one’s enemies,

“Oh, god, I need to have the safe sex talk with her.” “Honey, just do what I did.” “You told me a banana could get me pregnant, and that a sausage could make my cooter fall off.” “Psh. You understood what I meant. And I also told you a good eggplant was worth its weight in gold, so long as it was covered up and its farmer knew how to use it.

His straining cock reaches for me. I swear it does. It’s like the Go Go Gadget cock.

“Forget the king,” Papaya says as she looks around the island. “I’m marrying a freaking billionaire when I grow up.” “Fuck that,” Joey says. “Be the billionaire. Don’t wait for a man to buy an island for you.”

love is a lie men tell to get in your pants.” “Not all men,”

We haven’t been married long enough for you to have figured out all my faults.” “I was highly aware of your nature before our wedding.” “And you still married me, so what does that say about you?” “That I am madly, desperately in love with you despite yourself.”

the greatest indignity of love is that feeling it for another person does not obligate them to feel it back.

“Don’t diminish yourself to make excuses for being afraid to fall in love,”

“Finding your person isn’t about being perfect for them. It’s about doing the best you can and accepting that they’re doing the best they can too.”