A Royally Inconvenient Marriage

by Pippa Grant

“’Twould be my pleasure to provide my account of the events,” I tell the sheriff.

Pippa. Are you of the opinion that modern royalty speaks this way? I’ve never heard “t’would” from any of the royal family. wtf honestly. It just makes this so janky to read and frankly I’m pissed I bought a bunch of your books because of how nice Luca and Henry’s book was.

“Oh my dog, Peach.

People who say this unironically are annoying.

there’s a steady path of water disappearing into her cleavage. My bollocks stir. She does rather redefine the definition of wet dream.

I hate everything about what I just read.

It seems I’m acquiring a stress-induced erection.

Pretty sure that’s not biologically possible.

My berries tighten. My twig strains.

Bro, I am out. You can’t refer to the male organs in this manner. In fact, I’m really not loving the regency dialogue or the other nonsense I’ve read so far. This was such a mistake..

Peach squeezes my arm. It’s a subtle gesture, one that she would undoubtedly deny or blame on being overcome at the events of the past several days, but it warms my skin and causes an irregular bump in my chest, not to mention what it does to my knob.

God dammit. I don’t think I can rightfully read this book if he’s going to refer to his DICK as his KNOB.

Including paintings of bulls giving each other blow jobs.

Why would these paintings ever hang anywhere, much less in a royal castle?

My first spoonful of mashed potato is halfway to my mouth when he pulls off his dress shirt, exposing miles of rippling arm muscles and tight, round shoulders. The white, sleeveless undershirt accentuates the olive tone of his skin, and I belatedly realize I’m staring when I feel potatoes sliding off my cheek. I missed my mouth. Completely. And I don’t have a napkin.

Jesus 😂

Someone has knit rainbow legwarmers for it and strung a unicorn horn atop its head.

Pippa, your fucking obsession with adorning everything with a unicorn horn HAS TO STOP.

Her voice is missing its usual bravado, which is replaced with a breathy hum that makes my tallywacker ache so hard I can feel it in my tailbone.

God this shit is killing me. Tallywacker? Are you fucking joking?

I find the utter relief that Peach has returned has put that thick glow back in my chest, along with a tightness in my turnips.

WHY DO YOU KEEP DOING THIS???

My heart is once again pounding, but this time, I feel the beat surging below my belt.

Bro WHY

“I quite missed you as well,” I tell her honestly. “It doesn’t count if you have to wait to say it until someone else has already said it.” She’s such a lovely contradiction of strength and sass and sensitivity. “Perhaps not, but ‘twas I who kissed you first upon your return.” “You had to, or your family would’ve thought it was weird.” “And if I kiss you now?” “Then you’re just trying to prove a point.”

It’s like there is no winning with you Peach. I get damage, but this is beyond damage.

In any case, Viktor’s mum

Excuse me As a southerner I would never Ever Refer to someone’s mom as their “mum”

Viktor’s mum has a tight leash on Papaya,

You are writing for Peach, Pippa. Not Viktor. Stop making her say “mum.”