Sucker

by Natalie Ashee

Sadly, in the bucket of chicken that was dating, I was under no such delusions that I wasn’t the sad little wing at the bottom.

I half considered calling my best friend, Zajre, but the slut was married now, and people in relationships cooked dinner at this time.

There was a lot to be learned from females. They were the single most diabolical creatures on the planet.

That was how lazy I could be sometimes. Because laziness, as it turned out, was a fuck you to anyone who thought that your time wasn’t exactly that—yours.

There were certified idiots in the world. I’d even met a few. But no idiot had ever idioted the way I had just now.

“Never say that sentence in my presence again if you love me.”

“Even if you can find one that washes his hands on a regular basis, doesn’t drive his girlfriend’s car, speaks in full sentences, isn’t a danger to you or society, and has some kind of legal income, you then have to contend with the fact that you probably aren’t attracted to him, and he definitely can’t find the clitoris.”

“Let me break this down for you, big brother. One of every hundred men are good people. One in five hundred is available. One out of a thousand is a good lover. One in a million men is all three. Do with that information what you will.”

Remember, rejection is the epitome of consent.”

I wasn’t just out of my league. I couldn’t see the field.

When you’d been starved of air for so long, coming up for a sip of oxygen at a time only made the craving burn through you like fire burned through water. It was never enough.

“I wanted to touch your beauty. Lick it. Swallow it whole. Until it changed every ugly thing I’d seen and felt. I didn’t just want you. I wanted a reality where I could own you, and carrying that kind of want around for months wasn’t tragic. It was impossible.”

It had always been win or fail for me. I’d never had the safety net of supportive parents. The sharpening iron of siblings.

“I just know the reality of the situation. I fucked up.” He snorted. “Welcome to life. Nice to finally initiate you.”

I gave him a look that made him smile in that way that reminded me I had taken my time with him for granted. Mine were younger than most parents of people my age, but I couldn’t be sure how many years I had left with them. I could attend twenty more family reunions. Eat fifty more of my mother’s dinners and it would never feel like enough.

I needed love, yes. But I also needed my heart to be safe in the hands of the person who held it.

“I loved you before you entertained the idea of me.”

“J'aime la façon qu'ils me regardent quand je t'embrassé.”