How to Become the Dark Lord and Die Trying (Dark Lord Davi #1)

by Django Wexler

The naked crazy girl is never defeated!

But mostly it’s down to that chaos stuff Jeff Goldblum was talking about. You know, a hurricane starts up in China and months later a swarm of rabid butterflies levels Amsterdam, that sort of thing. Everything starts the same, but it doesn’t stay the same. I move different, talk different, breathe different, even if I’m trying not to, and it ripples outward.

The universe may be a vicious pile of utter nonsense, but at least when you drink drinks, you get drunk.

It’s time to play a game! This game is called How Many Double Crosses Can We Fit into One Evening?

I grab the knife from my belt, leap up on Gevalkin’s back like a kid climbing up her dad, and stab him like a kid who has gotten hold of a carving knife and is done with bedtime.

But, Davi, you’re saying. Why would Droff vote for you? You kept calling him a rock-monster! First of all, that was only in my mind, you don’t get to cancel me for that. And second, that’s because I haven’t told you the whole story, because of a little thing called dramatic tension, jeez. You’re welcome.

And, let’s be candid, fucking the average man into blissful unconsciousness is not exactly the Labors of Hercules.

“I’m not sure what that means.” “Neither is anybody else, so I get to make things up as I go along.”

I go from company to company, letting each one take the lead for a few verses as I teach them the songs of my people. If I’m being honest, they probably do the best job on “Stairway to Heaven,” but “Achy Breaky Heart” is a solid effort, and you haven’t lived until you’ve heard six hundred orcs belting out If you wanna be my lover at the quickstep.

No wonder wilders fight so hard for thaumite, it’s the fucking tits.

2 Pnk for n = 100, k = 5: 100 * 99 * 98 * 97 * 96 = nine billion thirty four million five hundred and two thousand four hundred possibilities. If I can crank out one try per second and never sleep, I should be able to get through them all in only 286.482 years. Of course, on average I’d hit the correct combination halfway through, so that’s a mere 143.241 years. Totally doable!

Not for the first time, I wonder if I did something to deserve this. Has Almighty God, in His endless mercy, condemned me to some kind of ironic Hell? Was I literally Hitler? MegaHitler? ExaHitler? How many Hitlers does it take before they build an entire fantasy universe just to torment you for all eternity? You can’t tell me everyone gets this treatment. I don’t feel like Hitler. But maybe Hitlarity sneaks up on you.