The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go So Their Children Can Succeed

by Jessica Lahey

the ability to attend to a task and stick to long-term goals is the greatest predictor of success, greater than academic achievement, extracurricular involvement, test scores, and IQ. She calls this grit, and first discovered its power in the classroom, while teaching seventh-grade math. She left teaching to pursue research on her hunch, and her findings have changed the way educators perceive student potential. Gritty students succeed, and failure strengthens grit like no other crucible.

Decades of studies and hundreds of pages of scientific evidence point to one conclusion that sounds crazy, but it absolutely works: If parents back off the pressure and anxiety over grades and achievement and focus on the bigger picture—a love of learning and independent inquiry—grades will improve and test scores will go up.

If you are into sports check out The Score Takes Care of Itself:https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/6342995-the-score-takes-care-of-itself. The same underlying premise: focus on the process and the results will come.

In order to help children make the most of their education, parents must begin to relinquish control and focus on three goals: embracing opportunities to fail, finding ways to learn from that failure, and creating positive home-school relationships.

My only real complaint about this book is that, while these are all good, there are few tips on how to do this with younger kids.

The fact that I turn to the late nineteenth century for advice says a lot about how complex and confusing parenting has become. Ma and Pa understood that the job of a parent is to raise self-sufficient, capable, and ethical adults. I envy their clarity, because sometimes, I’m not sure what my job is. One day it is to be my son’s friend so he will feel comfortable enough to confide in me, the next it is to stand firm as an authority figure and teach him to write thank-you notes whether he wants to or not.

The mental and emotional state of children was a novel concept, and the “psychologizing of childrearing” implied that parenting was not instinctual but a skill to be studied and learned. The consequences of improperly parenting a child included grave psychological damage and emotional distress, leading to psychological syndromes such as sibling rivalry, phobias, sleeping disorders, and teenage rebellion. Freud popularized the theory of psychosexual development and warned parents about the dangers of neuroses due to improper toilet training, heaping the burden of adult psychological illness on improper mothering.

Parenting for autonomy. Parenting for independence and a sense of self, born out of real competence, not misguided confidence. Parenting for resilience in the face of mistakes and failures. Parenting for what is right and good in the final tally, not for what feels right and good in the moment. Parenting for tomorrow, not just for today.

The less we push our kids toward educational success, the more they will learn. The less we use external, or extrinsic, rewards on our children, the more they will engage in their education for the sake and love of learning.

Rewards may get results in the short term, but when it comes to encouraging long-term drive and enthusiasm for learning, rewards are terrible motivators.

So what is a parent to do to if we can’t bribe, supervise, or impose goals or deadlines? Believe it or not, the answer, no matter how counterintuitive it might feel, is to back off. Allow kids to have the control and autonomy they crave even if it means struggling with the task or situation at hand.

A personal anecdote: No matter how many stickers, coins, or toys I offer my toddler will sometimes completely refuse to put clothes on in the morning. But if I give her free reign to pick out whatever she wants (and she will pick something that makes her mom upset) she will gladly change herself.

Autonomy and independence are similar beasts, but their roots reveal a key difference. Independence is the linguistic opposite of dependence, but autonomy is something more. It comes from the Greek auto, which means “self,” and nomos, which means “custom” or “law,” so to be autonomous, a child has to have internalized a system of rules for living independently. In order to help foster the formation of this self-rule, parents have to help kids come up with a system of guiding principles so they will be able to problem-solve and think creatively while remaining rooted in tried-and-true principles of behavior.

Rewards work for repetitive, uncomplicated, or boring tasks, but when it comes to creativity and nuanced learning, they are lousy motivators.

Self-imposed goals are about the safest place there is for a kid to fail.

Once children get a taste of success, particularly success born of their own efforts and persistence, it becomes addictive. This is the lovely thing about competence: it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Autonomy-supportive parents establish specific and clear expectations, make themselves physically and emotionally present, and offer guidance when kids get frustrated or need redirection.

Children are starved for responsibility and a role within the family, and all the jockeying for power, and the mischief that arises when their hands are idle, stems from our failure to give our kids a clear way to contribute to the family’s well-being. Kids thrive on our expectations and they flourish when given responsibilities of their own and the education they need to carry them out successfully.

CONTROLLING PARENTS GIVE LOTS OF UNSOLICITED ADVICE AND DIRECTION. That’s not the right way to load the dishwasher. Always wash the plates before putting them in and stack all the large plates on the left side. Don’t leave the dishes in the sink and come back later. Do it this way. Do it now. Do it later.

AUTONOMY-SUPPORTIVE PARENTS GUIDE CHILDREN TOWARD SOLUTIONS. I know you know what five times three is, so what happens when you add another five? Why do you think the cold glass broke when you poured hot water into it? Try holding the protractor so you can read the numbers right-side up. Parenting is teaching, and teachers look for the teachable moments in just about everything we do.

AUTONOMY-SUPPORTIVE PARENTS VALUE THE MISTAKES AS MUCH AS THE SUCCESSES. I’m so proud of you for sticking with that worksheet even though it was hard for you. What could you have said to your brother that might have helped him understand you rather than throw his toy at you?

AUTONOMY-SUPPORTIVE PARENTS ACKNOWLEDGE CHILDREN’S FEELINGS OF FRUSTRATION AND DISAPPOINTMENT. I get mad, too, when I can’t do something right the first time, but I keep trying until I figure it out. Remember yesterday, when I did not get that job I wanted? That was really disappointing, but I know I’ll figure something else out if I work at it. I can imagine how frustrating this math must be for you, but won’t it feel great when you know how to do it?

The ability to judge one’s own level of knowledge, skill, or thought process is called metacognition, and it’s what allows kids to gauge whether or not they are prepared or knowledgeable on a topic.

First, we must expunge the word chores from our household vocabulary. Amy McCready, parenting coach and founder of Positive Parenting Solutions, told me, “I’ve always encouraged parents to ditch the word chores and replace it with ‘family contributions.’ Calling them ‘family contributions’ doesn’t make kids enjoy them any more, but it sends an important message about significance, that when you help out, you make a big difference for this family. We all have a hardwired need for significance and this is a great way to foster that in all kids, from toddlers to teens.”

Here are some examples of the kinds of tasks toddlers are capable of learning: • Put their dirty clothes in a basket or hamper. • Dress themselves with clothing that’s not too complicated. • Fold simple items of clothing or linens such as pillowcases or washcloths. • Put their clothes away in drawers. • Follow two- or three-step directions in order to complete tasks (get your toothbrush, put toothpaste on it, brush your teeth). • Throw trash and recycling away in the proper place. • Put toys away in tubs and baskets when they are done playing with them. • Get out and put away their dishes as long as you arrange their cups and bowls on a low shelf. • Feed the dog or cat.

Kids between three and five are big fans of counting and sorting, so give them jobs around the house that encourage them to practice these skills while instilling responsibility. Ask them to put five books on that shelf, or ask them to count out five oranges and place them in a bag at the store. Kids this age are perfectly able to: • Make their bed. • Straighten their room. • Sort and categorize items, such as utensils in a drawer, or socks in the laundry. • Water plants. • Clear their place at the table. • Learn to not freak out and cry about spills, but get a towel or sponge and clean them up by themselves. • Prepare their own snacks.

kids are able to be responsible for all sorts of household tasks, such as: • Peeling and chopping vegetables (teach knife safety early, and always use a sharp knife, which is safer than a dull one). • Laundry—all of it, from sorting to putting it away. Post a list on the washing machine and dryer after you’ve conducted the requisite one-on-one lessons in order to provide reminders for all the steps. One mom pointed out that dry-erase markers write and erase well on the side of washers and dryers, so she simply writes instructions on the appliance itself. • Replacing the toilet paper when it’s gone. Leave the direction the roll spins to your child’s discretion! • Setting and clearing the table. • Outdoor work such as raking leaves, weeding, and hauling wood. • Vacuuming and mopping floors. • Helping to plan and prepare grocery lists and meals.

Kindergarten age

From twelve on up, I can’t think of many household duties beyond their abilities. The more competent teens I talked to for this book are responsible for: • Household repairs, such as painting, replacing lightbulbs, and simple car maintenance. • Grocery shopping (given some teens’ quirky dietary habits, some parents provide pretty specific lists). • Planning and preparing more complicated meals. • Caring for and teaching younger siblings about their role in the household responsibilities. • Taking the dog to the vet for his shots. • Cleaning out the refrigerator. • Chopping kindling and firewood. • Clearing leaves out of the gutters.

Encouraging your teen to be a competent and involved member of the household sets the stage for them to be successful in life. If an adolescent knows that he/she doesn’t have to “work” for things, this often translates into an inability to “work” in the real world. Having to be responsible for things at home (i.e., chores, laundry, walking the dog, etc.) helps to teach teens what it means to take care of the important things in their lives. Ultimately, this will cause teens to have better self-esteem, feel more effective, be more productive, and be more motivated to continue this into their adult lives.

Teach your child critical listening skills. Part of improving working memory is filtering out all of the stuff kids don’t need to remember. If you listen to the news on the radio on the way to school, ask your child, “What do you think were the two most important ideas in that story?” This skill will really pay off down the road as kids get older and the amount of information they are expected to assimilate increases.

During the Colonial era, students were taught in a combination of home, church, and schools. Education was a collaborative effort, and no one organization or person took ownership over it. When everyone was in the effort together, it was much easier to cooperate and work toward common goals. Around 1840, the federal government began to make rules and regulations concerning the American educational system that created an ideological divide between home, church, and school.

If tardy becomes a habit, do not blame it on the child. You are the parent; make being on time a priority. Back your morning schedule up by a half an hour if you have to. I have been in charge of marking down tardies for the past five years at my school, and I can attest to the fact that kids who are tardy are inevitably stressed-out, particularly if the tardiness is not their fault.

If homework seems excessive, try this exercise at home. Watch your child when he does his homework, and take note of when real work is getting done and when he is fiddling and fooling around with other stuff. Once you’ve taken an objective look at the accumulated time of “real work” your child is doing, and the amount still seems excessive, then, by all means, figure out which subjects are the biggest offenders and talk to those teachers about their homework load.

Praise your child for the effort he put into his assignments, particularly when he encountered those frustrating difficulties that pushed him to the limits of what he thought he could do. Make sure he knows that you value his persistence as much as, if not more than, you value the answers he wrote after each problem. Whenever possible, reiterate the concept that the harder we work, and the more we stretch our brains, the smarter we become.