In the Game (Lakes Hockey, #3)

by Sloane St. James

I fuck men to get a watered-down version of these feelings, not the real thing. It’s not supposed to be like this. My heart is searching for something to attach to, but I won’t let it.

For a second, I wonder if he’s feeling the same way I am, but that would be impossible. He’s Barrett Conway, and I’m the last condom in his drawer.

Barrett Conway changed me. He killed this puck bunny, ripped her heart out, and ate it. I can’t do this anymore.

Tonight was incredible. But it’s better to leave with a happy memory than sad goodbye. And I’m no one’s bunny.

That kid’s mine. There’s no way he’s not. He’s got my same face shape, the same white-blonde hair I had when I was younger, same exact dimple. I’m going to be sick. “Jesus Christ, Raleigh. What the fuck were you thinking not telling me?” I mutter. “You really think I wouldn’t find out?”

“You called me a liar, you insulted me, called me a whore, and threatened me with a restraining order. And, just so you know, I never wanted money. All I wanted was for you to know he existed. This is your loss, not mine. You missed out—”

“A restraining order?!” Why the hell would I do that? Any Lakes player could back me up on this. They know I never got over her. She’s known as Runaway Raleigh by the team, they constantly give me shit about her being my one who got away.

I’ll never trust a word you say. A broken heart and a battered reputation are a small price to pay when you’re not the one footing the bill.”

“You can’t fix it! You can never make up for those years. You did this to yourself. You don’t get to try and swoop in when it’s convenient for you. That’s not how children work.”

“I’m going to call you every day. I want you to answer. If you block my number, I will come back here and find you.” She looks away from me with a trembling lip, and I tilt her chin up to look at me. “Never run from a bear.” Her lips part. “I never ran. You did.”

“We’re not done, love. This is just the beginning.”

It’s not his fault, and yes, a lot of my anger is misdirected, but after writing him off for so long, it’s hard to switch gears and welcome him into our lives with open arms.

I never want to relive that version of us, I fucking hated it. That wasn’t normal. We’re what’s missing from each other’s lives. When I came over for dinner? That’s our normal. Eating together, playing with our son, kissing, making you come night after night. We can have that, Ral, it’s ours if we want it. We just need to take it.

Oh God, what if he’s feeling obligated because of some deep moral compass bullshit? My stomach drops. I mean, it makes sense. That’s not what I’m looking for, we aren’t some pity project. We are fine on our own. I only want him to be involved in Arthur’s life because he wants to, not out of some familial duty.

“They say parenting is only hard for good parents.”

“Nobody will ever fuck you like I do. Nobody will ever feel this good,” I curse. My breaths are becoming uneven, but I focus. “I don’t say that to be arrogant. What we have is special. It's rare. Please, Ral. Tell me you feel it.” Her gaze studies mine, passing back and forth between my eyes. “We’re meant to be, aren’t we?”

I’ve got it bad. If I’m being honest, I think it happened while we were apart all those years. I knew we had something the first night we met. My attraction never stopped growing, even while she was absent from my life. She’s gone from the one that got away to just the one. I’ll do whatever I have to do to make her mine.

As soon as the words are out, his mouth crashes to mine and he sinks his hands into my hair. I kiss him back with the same intensity and know right then that Barrett Conway is the man I want to spend my forever with. We’re getting our happily ever after.