The Days I Loved You Most

by Amy Neff

“If I had a flower for every time I thought of you... I could walk through my garden forever.” —Alfred, Lord Tennyson

She has never belonged to anyone but herself, and I have never belonged to anyone but her.

A world without her, frankly, isn’t one I want to wake up in.

But losing Evelyn, outliving the person who is the source of my heartbeat, or watching her wither into a rag doll version of herself, a pianist who could no longer use her hands to create the music she loves, or to wait until she doesn’t recognize me, until she ceases to be Evelyn at all, to walk through the halls of our home alone...that would be impossible to endure.

“Sometimes it’s easy to focus on what’s missing, instead of all of the things that are right.”

Real commitment requires cultivation. It’s not about the tingle in your belly and a rush of adrenaline. It’s not magic, or fairy dust, that sustains a spark. Steadiness over time is what makes it beautiful.

Maybe wanting it, believing in love, waiting until we find our way, isn’t enough. You shouldn’t have to work tirelessly, to talk the other into staying.

“The choice to leave is not one you can take back. You need to be sure there isn’t a more important reason to stay.”

“The best way I can think to say goodbye is to revisit it all...falling in love, having our children, the grandchildren, all of it...even the days we were lost. It’s not only the happiest days, though they’re a part of it.” Her lower lip begins to tremble. “But it was also the hardest days. The days I was lost, the days I thought I’d lose you. When everything fell apart but you were all I needed.” A tear falls down her cheek, her hand clasped in mine, a hold so tender I never want to let go. “Those are the days I loved you most.”

“I don’t want to just take a vacation. That’s not it.” “What is it, then?” “I want to have lived.”

Food has always been my favorite part of any celebration, the only piece that isn’t ruined by loss. When the room is quiet because everyone is eating, it’s harder to tell there are voices missing.

“Thomas was right about this place, we are lucky to have grown up here, but more than that, we were lucky to have you both, waiting here with open arms.”